14 April, 2010

Scientists Confirm Black Holes Cause Cancer

Seattle, WA - At an international gathering of Astrophysicists today in Seattle, a group of researchers confirmed that "Black holes indeed cause cancer." The group based out of New Zealand's Leymen Institute, had been studying the effects of black holes on living flesh for the past 4 years at a cost of 8.15 billion dollars. Using a number of hi-tech devices to create micro singularities, the researchers were able to test their affects on living organisms.

"Our research proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that black holes can cause a number of cancers in human beings," stated Dr. John Locking of the Leymen Institute. "After several months of exposure to repeated micro singularities our 16 test primates began to develop cancerous and precancerous cells in various tissues throughout their bodies."

The research was received with great eagerness by all in attendance.

"This research will prove to be invaluable for the survival of our species," said Dr. Jack Shep, one of the scientists present at the conference. "As far as I know, no one until now has taken the time to research the effects of long term exposure to black holes. Current predictions are that in about 23 million years into the future, our solar system will be consumed by a black hole. Now we'll know more definitively what the dangers are."

"I'd have to agree with the enthusiasm of my colleagues," stated Dr. Richard Albert. "At some point in the future man will begin to explore deep space. We'll need to be prepared for the dangers of space for our future astronauts. If a ship were to ever be sucked into a black hole there needs to be some kind of treatment plan in effect to help those who are inevitably going to get cancer."

The Leymen Institute was founded in 1942 by Dr. Jacob Linus of Sydney, Australia.