14 April, 2010

Scientists Confirm Black Holes Cause Cancer

Seattle, WA - At an international gathering of Astrophysicists today in Seattle, a group of researchers confirmed that "Black holes indeed cause cancer." The group based out of New Zealand's Leymen Institute, had been studying the effects of black holes on living flesh for the past 4 years at a cost of 8.15 billion dollars. Using a number of hi-tech devices to create micro singularities, the researchers were able to test their affects on living organisms.

"Our research proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that black holes can cause a number of cancers in human beings," stated Dr. John Locking of the Leymen Institute. "After several months of exposure to repeated micro singularities our 16 test primates began to develop cancerous and precancerous cells in various tissues throughout their bodies."

The research was received with great eagerness by all in attendance.

"This research will prove to be invaluable for the survival of our species," said Dr. Jack Shep, one of the scientists present at the conference. "As far as I know, no one until now has taken the time to research the effects of long term exposure to black holes. Current predictions are that in about 23 million years into the future, our solar system will be consumed by a black hole. Now we'll know more definitively what the dangers are."

"I'd have to agree with the enthusiasm of my colleagues," stated Dr. Richard Albert. "At some point in the future man will begin to explore deep space. We'll need to be prepared for the dangers of space for our future astronauts. If a ship were to ever be sucked into a black hole there needs to be some kind of treatment plan in effect to help those who are inevitably going to get cancer."

The Leymen Institute was founded in 1942 by Dr. Jacob Linus of Sydney, Australia.


Jim Crigler said...

Surely you could've worked in a few more references.

Derek Ashton said...

I wonder if black holes are a gateway to purgatory? I wonder if they can take you into alternate universes? I wonder if they are designed to confuse and frustrate people to no end by creating THOUSANDS of questions and offering NO ANSWERS - sort of like a certain TV show I've been watching?

Jim Pemberton said...

See, this is why science fiction programs like Star Trek aren't scientifically accurate. Whenever they go through a black hole and go back and forth through time they never get cancer. We just need to work on a cure for cancer so that when a black hole comes our way we can turn it into a recreation park or something.

Uncle Jennie said...

I was hoping against hope that you were indeed using references from a certain TV show I know of. Then I saw Dr. Jack Shep and laughed.
Thank you.

daninkorea said...

Moderator, just to let you know the comment in Chinese is talking about pornography, and I assume the link is also connected with that. You may want to delete it.
BlancaMcleroy seems to be spam as well.

Christian said...

No. Watching sci-fi causes cancer.