22 February, 2010

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,
  • Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
  • Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
  • Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
  • All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
  • Sites must contain no more than two frames.
  • Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
  • Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
  • Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
  • Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
  • Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
  • Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
  • Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
  • Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.
"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.


14 comments:

Adam Parker said...

That is totally hilarious. That's exactly what it's like going to some website where they hate Calvinism and the "new age" Bible translations! Keep up the great stuff.

Kendall said...

Great stuff. I also hear they are considering upgrading their phone systems from rotary dials.

mike said...

What? No more background music? That's insane. If a website can't play Softly and Tenderly in the background when it loads (after 4 minutes), it can't possibly be considered an effective tool for soul winnin'.

Jim Pemberton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robin Harris (ICE Coordinator) said...

ha ha ha! You nailed it on this one. Oh my...

Brian Current said...

“Where KJV Scripture is used, it should be clearly footnoted that ONLY a combination of thin, lightweight (fiber-based) printing paper and ink can be considered to contain the infallible, inerrant and inspired Words of God”

Greg Wilson said...

Thanks for the laugh. Excellent work.

rbgroene said...

Plain text editors?

My impression is that they usually just make the websites on MS Word and then save them as web pages.

I mean, saying that most King James only sites are written by people who know HTML is a little bit doubtful.

On the other hand, Gail Riplinger's site doesn't look too bad...

pastoralmusings said...

Said sites should also contain a "souls won today" meter that ticks at the rate of no less than 1 soul per second. If you're not getting someone to repeat a prayer any quicker than that, you're backslidden and we're going to take down your server with a DOS attack....yep, we're going to hack into it and overwrite the servers hard disks with DOS 1.0!!!!

_nate said...

Epic...

jlosinski said...

HAA! I for one love the poly phonic hymns that they play in the background. Soul winning counter, excellent idea. Massive font, you betcha'

Presbyterian_keith said...

For a minute I thought you were talking about the Amish!

Derek Ashton said...

This is just too hee-hee-hee-larious! The irony didn't hit me until the last line.

Dan said...

Perhaps the most brilliant post in history...lol