30 May, 2009

The Posse of San Diego Not Required to Pay for Permit

San Diego, California – The Posse of San Diego, a community of thinkers in the city of San Diego, is considered by many to be an emerging church. But with the recent inquisition into the definition of a religious assembly with respect to a nearby home Bible Study, some members of The Posse of San Diego questioned if a Religious Assembly Permit should be required for their own activities.

The Posse of San Diego, a cohort without hierarchy, allows membership to anyone who attests to the phrase: “Jesus is”. The statement may be made verbally, electronically, in writing, or in deep thought. The “deep thought” acknowledgement may be made through a raised hand, pointed finger, or gentle nodding of the head. At a gathering of the Posse on Thursday night, one member asked those present the same questions reportedly asked of the nearby Bible Study participants:

Do you regularly meet?
Do you say “amen”?
Do you pray?
Do you say “praise the Lord”?

“We agreed unanimously that the answers to these four questions were undeniably ‘No!’” said the unidentified member. “We appealed Friday morning to San Diego officials to continue to assemble without permit after our current Religious Assembly Permit expires in July. Local San Diego officials said they had no problem allowing us to meet without permit since we were able to answer ‘No!’ to the four questions. This is great news, saving The Posse an estimated $3,250 per year.”

23 May, 2009

You Don't Have to Turn There... OOOp-See!

Vicky Hertock is a student of the Bible. She knows all the books in order forward, as well as backward. She can even say them forward quickly, yet clearly, in 17.4 seconds.

With her physical leather-bound Bible, she can find any given verse in less than 2 seconds very naturally with little effort. That’s where the first part of the problem lies. The second part lies in her seemingly inability to restrain her lips in one particular situation.

Here is the typical scenario: A pastor, from the pulpit, will say something like: “We know from John 1:1 that the Lord Jesus was with God the Father at creation. .. but you don’t have to turn there.” That is the point where Vicky uncontrollably blurts out, “OOOp-See” because, for her, it is too late. She has already turned to the passage.

The problem occurs commonly with Romans 8, an often cited passage that is worked into most sermons. “We know from Romans 8 that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, but you don’t have to turn there.” “OOOp-See!” says Vicky, just loud enough for the congregation to hear.

“I really don’t think it’s a matter of her showing out or bragging in any way,” said Earl Hertock, Vicky’s husband. “It’s just her natural reaction when she does something that she wasn’t supposed to do. It’s her word… ‘OOOp-See’ that is. She says it all the time automatically at the house if she drops a sock while doing laundry or splashes some gravy while fixing her mash potatoes.”

Most of Vicky’s Sunday School teachers and pastors through the years have learned to simply not say, “You don’t have to turn there” when Vicky is in the audience. “I was trained very early on by Vicky’s unintentional conditioning techniques,” said long time friend and regular Bible Study partner, Florence Germain.

But during a recent women’s conference, Vicky’s presence was well known in the crowd. Every single speaker during that day used the phrase at least once. One speaker used it 4 times and each time was awarded with an “OOOp-See!” This particular lady, near the end, said “In Matthew 28, we know that the Lord Jesus asked us to make disciples as we are going, but you don’t have to…. um… you don’t… um… have to… um… be a rocket scientist to make disciples,” as the small crowd around Vicky held their breath and then finally exhaled.

It even happened at a Beth Moore live seminar. Moore was speaking, “…You can eat a whole meal off my floor! Amen? Now Martha is the kind that was never far from her Lysol or her Oust. She was just that kind. And you may say, how do I know that? Because—I’m going to show you how I know that because she is the most wonderful thing to study. I want you to hear this part in John chapter 11. You don’t have to turn there…”

“OOOp-See!” says Vicky, receiving a pause and briefly turned head from Moore.

Note: TBNN intern Sandy Kay researched the term “you don’t have to turn there” using the Google search engine. When searching for “you don’t have to turn there” (including the quotes), Google only generated results referring to discussions of Bible passages or the Manitoba Public Utilities Board.

19 May, 2009

Muslim Declares Jihad on Southern Baptist Potluck

ALEXANDRIA, VA - Omar-Khalid Akram moved from Iraq to the United States in October 2008. He told TBNN, "I love my homeland, but I needed to get away from the difficulty there. Although the violence has subsided, the country is still in shambles as far as infrastructure is concerned. I decided to move here and start a new life."

Akram, a widower, moved to the Washington, D.C. area because of the large Muslim population. However, he did not realize he was also moving into the northern reaches of where Southern Baptists live. This is where the trouble began.

After moving into a subdivision, Akram quickly found out that he had no Islamic neighbors. Also, the nearest mosque was a 35 minute trip away. He felt alone and isolated.

After about a month of loneliness, Akram heard a knock on his door. When he opened it, Terry Davis was standing on the other side. Neither man would ever be the same.

Terry, a Southern Baptist deacon and Sunday School teacher, also happens to be Akram's next door neighbor. Terry introduced himself and asked if he could help Akram in any way. Terry also invited Akram to attend his SBC church the next day. Akram was so lonely (and curious) that he accepted the invitation.

Little did Akram know that after the Sunday morning service, all the folks at the church were having a potluck dinner.

When Akram followed Terry through the food line, he faced a problem. He could not tell what any of the food actually was. He had never seen so many casseroles before. He had no idea what was under each mysterious covering. Also, Akram could not decipher what the different vegetables were.

The end came when Akram took his first few bites. Bystander Phil Vickers describes it this way, "Akram smiled at us and said that he enjoyed the service and fellowship. He then told us how much he was enjoying the food. After a few minutes, he asked what he was eating. When we told him his plate was full of Aunt Mildred's pork-barbecue special and Susy's green beans with a ham-hock, Akram turned red in the face and ran from the room."

Ever since, Akram has refused to even open the door to Terry or anyone else from the church.

Akram also contacted the press soon after his visit to the church. He told the local CNN affiliate, "I am a faithful Muslim. I love Allah and serve him in all I do. I was invited to a church, and out of curiosity I attended. That is where I was more insulted than I have ever been. Those Christians confused me by serving all sorts of disguised food. I tried to be polite and eat some of it. I later found out that I had eaten pork and ham, which Allah forbids."

Akram continued, "From this time forward, I declare jihad on Southern Baptist potluck meals. The government should require Baptist churches to label all their food so people like me do not eat something forbidden. If this does not happen, I will have to take things into my own hands."

Akram did not elaborate on what he meant.

16 May, 2009

Man "Debunks" His Own Birth

Earl Bartman, 37, was once convinced that his mother bore him and loved him. But recent discoveries have caused him to dismiss his old beliefs as mere myths.

“I began to study the events surrounding my so-called birth. There were many discrepancies that just did not make sense. My so-called mother had one account in her diary. My so-called father had another verbal account which I had transcribed. Many so-called facts simply did not match. There was also a birth announcement in the local paper that was well-preserved, but it was not in line with some of the statements of my so-called mother and my so-called father.

“My so-called mother didn’t even have a typewriter at the time of my birth. Therefore, the newspaper account must have been a forgery, typed by someone else.

“My so-called mother told the story of how, immediately after I was supposedly born, two nurses took me and cleaned me. While, my so-called father had a completely different memory of only one nurse who bathed me and measured me immediately after I was born. These inconsistencies cannot be reconciled.

“All of the so-called records of my birth have been completely destroyed. I performed research at the hospital and all that remains are copies of copies of copies of all the original paperwork. And these copies are not even on paper, but on microfilm that must be printed to get a paper copy. When I print out the copies, they are not always clear. So to believe I was really born to this woman and man at this hospital, I would have to believe that this information stored on this film was actually created from real documents from the time of my so-called birth and signed by my so-called mother and my so-called father over 37 years ago and somehow preserved through time. I can’t even find last month’s electric bill in my house, and I’m supposed to believe that some disinterested parties have taken the time to preserve my birth records from 37 years ago?
“When I interviewed my grandparents, they all seemed to have very close to the same story. But not one of them was in the room during my so-called birth. My so-called mother’s mother, who I used to call Grammy, said that I was born on March 5, 1972. I asked her how she knew for sure, and all she could do was say ‘because I remember’ and went to get the same newspaper clipping I had already dismissed as a forgery.

“My so-called father’s mother, who I used to call Me-maw, also claimed the same date, but also was not in the room of my so-called birth. She tried to explain that my so-called mother’s belly swelled slowly over 9 months or so. She tried to explain that it went down a little after that, and my so-called parents brought me home on March 9, 1972, but she again had no proof other than her memory. Her memory was not reliable because I asked her to show me her latest electric bill or just tell me the amount of it, and she failed that test.

“I discovered that all of these so-called witnesses to my birth were simply stating what my so-called mother and so-called father had relayed to them. The divergence of facts of my so-called mother’s and so-called father’s stories only compounded the questions.

“I went back to the hospital that stored the documents to let me speak to the doctor and nurses who delivered me. I only received blank stares for the first few moments. The lady at the information counter stumbled and stammered over quite a few words, tripping over herself continually, and then she went back to a state of blank stares. I refused to leave, and to my shame, even became a bit violent to the point that I was escorted out by two security guards. I could tell by the way they were staring at each other that they were part of a vast conspiracy. They did not want to say it, but I could tell on their faces by the way that they glanced at each other when I asked for proof of my birth. They knew they were caught. They would not admit it, but they knew that I knew that I had never been born.

14 May, 2009

Update: Evolutionist Finally Proves that God Does Not Exist

LOS ANGELES, CA - In response to this post, Dr. Francis Welland of UCLA pulled his head out of the sand yesterday and made an amazing assertion. According to Dr. Welland, "I have finally proven once and for all that God does not exist. I know this will make my supporters happy. We are all overjoyed and relieved to have arrived at this day."

Dr. Welland, speaking to an introductory level biology class, continued, "How can I make this claim? This is how: I have been everywhere there is to be. I have seen everything there is to see. I have heard everything there is to hear. I have done everything there is to do. In light of my experiences and research, I can faithfully say to you today that God does not exist. I have not seen nor heard him; therefore, there is no God."

At the conclusion of his announcement, Dr. Welland's students gave him a standing ovation.

UCLA is this morning considering giving Dr. Welland a promotion to full professor status, a paid writing leave of absence, and an honorary doctorate at the December 2009 commencement.

12 May, 2009

Evolutionist Ignores Evidence, Literally Buries Head in Sand

SAN DIEGO, CA - California is known to be a place where bizarre behavior is the norm, but something beyond that happened last week east of San Diego.

Last Thursday afternoon, the San Diego State University science foundation hosted a creation/evolution debate for the entire student body. At last count, it appears that between 600-700 students attended. As the debate began, it was clear that the student body favored Dr. Francis Welland, an evolutionary biology professor from UCLA. As he was introduced, the crowd applauded enthusiastically. A few even shouted, "Boo-yeah!"

After the audience calmed down, Dr. Ken Ham from Answers in Genesis was introduced. Dr. Ham received a smattering of applause, but was also simply booed by several of the students. More than a handful openly snickered.

After the initial introductions, the debate began. Each man was asked a question, and then the opponent was allowed time to respond. The questions were supplied during the previous week by students in the audience.

Based on initial behavior, it was clear that the professors and students in attendance expected and wanted Dr. Welland to annihilate Dr. Ham with the scientific evidence. Unfortunately for Dr. Welland, that is not what happened.

The audio transcript makes it clear that while Dr. Welland answered questions by generally calling names and talking condescendingly, Dr. Ham simply presented the actual scientific evidence in a polite manner. As the debate wore on, it became clear to all that Dr. Welland was losing. Students began to file out of the auditorium. Dr. Welland began to sweat and became a bit nauseated. Dr. Ham continued to state devastating fact after devastating fact.

Finally, after about 70 minutes of debate, Dr. Welland couldn't take it any more. Dr. Ham had just asked him to explain how life began in the first place. When Dr. Welland answered by saying that either aliens brought the first living creatures to earth or they formed on the backs of crystals, the students that remained either groaned or laughed. At that point, Dr. Welland decided to end the debate early. As he sprinted off the stage, he was heard shouting, "I don't want to hear any more facts! You can't confuse me with the evidence!"

Dr. Welland then drove about two hours eastward into the desert to Ocotillo Wells, CA. After arriving, Dr. Welland literally buried his head in the sand (see above photo).

09 May, 2009

Millerville Baptist Axes Mother's Day Recognitions

Van Cleave, AL --  Millerville Baptist Church will not hold its annual Mother's Day recognitions during this year's Mother's Day service, ending a 40 year old tradition.

Over the past four decades, Millerville has awarded "prizes" for (1) Newest Mother, (2) Oldest Mother, (3) Mother with the Most Children, and (4) Mother with the Most Children Present.  "It will be impossible for us to have a repeat of last year's incident this year because we are not carrying on the tradition this year," said pastor Will Scholls.

There have been occasional moments of awkwardness through the years, but the 2008 Mothers Day recognitions at Millerville were a total disaster.  

To begin, Meagan Freemont, 24, had dreamed all of her life of receiving the Newest Mother award and even planned the timing of her marriage and subsequent pregnancy to coincide with the event.  But the grand total of two weeks of life amassed by her daughter, May Elizabeth, caused Meagan to lose out to a 14 year old, out-of-wedlock mother who happened to be visiting from Mississippi with her 4 day old son.   Heads turned quickly as the young girl on the back row answered "four days" when song leader Lester Scott asked "Has anyone been a mother for less than 2 weeks?" assuming there would be none as he approached Meagan.  Lester was stunned for a moment before proceeding to the back to hand the young girl the corsage prize as Meagan began crying.  The scene became very ugly when Meagan's tears turned to furious outbursts, where she was heard  screaming "harlot" amidst many other angry words on more than one occasion during the rest of the service.

Lester wanted to quickly move on to Oldest Mother and immediately asked all mothers over 80 to raise a hand.  About a dozen hands went up in the small sanctuary, and went down 1-by-1 as Lester counted up to 88 when two hands remained.  As he counted "89, 90, 91, 92, 93," two hands remained.  When he said "94" both hands went down.  The crowd applauded that both mothers had reached 93 years old.  But here is where the mistake occurred. Lester then asked each lady "In which month were you born?"  Mrs. Arnder answered "February," and Mrs. Weathersby answered "November."  Lester mistakenly concluded, "February is before November, so the corsage goes to Mrs. Arnder."  Two quiet CPAs, a mechanical engineer, and young Bobby Wilson immediately began jerking their heads around in disbelief that this mathematical error was actually occurring.  But it had, and Mrs. Arnder was holding a corsage meant for Mrs. Weathersby.  When TBNN representatives interviewed young Bobby about the error, he said, "Mrs. Weathersby seemed to be doing fine without her flowers, so I didn't say nothing at the time."

Things visibly heated up again though when Lester was unsure whether to award the Mother With the Most Children corsage to Mrs. Thelma Gentry who bore eight children or Mrs. Yvone Henderson who bore five children, was a step mother to two children from her second marriage, had adopted two later in life, and even sponsored two children through Help Save the Children.  He made the decision to award the corsage to Yvone, but not without a few gasps and many whispers.

You would think Mother with the Most Children Present would have been easy, but a problem arose.  Melissa Williams had all four of her children present and was about to receive the corsage when Jennifer Lawson, who had three children visibly present, decided this was the right time to announce that she was pregnant with twins.  The ceremonies stalled for almost 10 full minutes as bitter discussions ensued and several physical altercations broke out.  Lester could not calm things down, and eventually handed the flowers to Jennifer Lawson, announced his resignation, left the church and has not been seen to this day.  Without a song leader, the services ended and everyone left.

05 May, 2009

Sermons on Wordle

(Click directly on the picture to enlarge the sermon text.)

Arminian Church Sermon
Wordle: Arminian Church Sermon

Catholic Church Sermon
Wordle: Catholic Sermon

Charismatic Church Sermon
Wordle: Charismatic Sermon

Health-Wealth Church Sermon
Wordle: Health-Wealth Church Sermon

KJV-Only Church Sermon
Wordle: Ultra-conservative sermon

Liberal Church Sermon
Wordle: Liberal Church Sermon Text

Mormon Church Sermon
Wordle: Mormon Sermon

Southern Baptist Church Sermon
Wordle: Southern Baptist Church Sermon

Youth Group Sermon
Wordle: Youth Sermon

In case you were wondering: Tom in the Box on Wordle
Wordle: TBNN

02 May, 2009

Smith Family Plans Funeral and BBQ Reunion

Van Cleave, AL -- In lieu of flowers, the family of William Smith is asking that friends and loved ones send donations to the Baby Back Rib Palace in Van Cleave, Alabama.

Mr. Smith was one week shy of his 100th birthday, when he died early Saturday morning at his home. A previously scheduled family reunion to celebrate his 100th birthday will still take place on Saturday, May 9th at the park within Pine Gardens Memorial Resting Field after the internment.

Gift certificates for the Baby Back Rib Palace can be purchased in $10, $25, $50, and $100 denominations. Order online at www.bbribspalacevancleave.com or call 555-0713. A list of donors will be provided to the family.