28 April, 2009

Cowboy Takes New Middle Position in Calvinism-Arminianism Debate

TULSA, OK - Terry Newton has two loves in life. The first is roping cattle. The second is studying theology. According to Terry, "There's a lot of time to think and read my bible as I sit on my horse and watch the cattle graze."

Terry is a long-time member of the Evangelical Theological Society (ETS). He reportedly likes a good theological discussion almost as much as a T-Bone steak. Terry not only reads and discusses theology, but also writes a good deal. His latest article was recently published in the ETS Journal.

The title of this groundbreaking article is, "A New Middle Position - Finding Two Truths in the Bible."

According to Terry, "After much study of the Bible, I have come to the conclusion that some people at birth are spiritually dead, while others are just spiritually dying. God knew who would be dead, and chose some of those unconditionally for salvation. Of those who were dying, God didn't choose any, but rather left the choice up to them. As for the atonement, God limits the application of Christ's death to those He chose of the spiritually dead, but allows it to be applied to all of the spiritually dying who choose Him."

Terry continued, "When God calls to some of the spiritually dead, His call is effective. All who are called end up placing their faith in Christ. On the other hand, God does not effectively call any of the spiritually dying, but rather simply calls out to them, hoping that they will respond. He would be too much of a gentleman to force the dying to get saved. Finally, regarding perseverance, God keeps those that He chooses - none are lost. However, those who ultimately choose Him have the freedom to reject Him later - they are not firmly held by God to anything."

When asked how two seemingly opposing views can be reconciled like this, he responded, "There are just so many good people on both sides of this debate. For example, when we look at history, the Calvinism side has Luther, Calvin (of course), Zwingli, Owen, Edwards, Spurgeon, Carey, Judson, etc. The Arminian side has Arminius, Wesley, and a bunch of popes. Well, I guess it's not that even. As for today, the Calvinists have MacArthur, Piper, Sproul, Mahaney, Mohler, Begg, Ferguson, Carson, Baucham, White, and Grudem. The Arminians have Geisler, Patterson, and, well, I suppose that isn't even either."

TBNN inquired, "What is your real motivation here? Why this new theory?"

Terry finally admitted, "I just want everyone to get along. Can't we all get along?"

21 April, 2009

NBA Takes KJV-Only Position

NEW YORK, NY - The National Basketball Association (NBA) announced on Monday that from this point forward it is taking a King-James-Only position on the bible.

According to Commissioner David Stern, "In the past the NBA has promoted the use of various bibles amongst its players. Because we desire and expect the best of morals in our league, we have always wanted bibles to be present in our arenas, training facilities, locker rooms, hotels, and team planes and buses. Within just the last five years we have distributed thousands of copies of the NIV, NKJV, ESV, and NLT. We never could get any of the players to read The Message. Regardless, we have made the decision today to change to the KJV only. In light of all the best manuscript evidence, the KJV is clearly the only God-inspired version that is readily accessible today. And don't even get me started on the Hebrew and Greek originals. Those have been long lost."

The result of this announcement was much confusion among the players.

Kobe Bryant was heard to say, "The KJV is fine if you speak 1611 English. I prefer my ESV because I'm Reformed and therefore trust the editors."

Dwayne Wade explained, "I know it may not be a word-for-word translation, but I really like my NIV. It's what I've grown up with."

Dirk Nowitski said, "German is first language. Do I now have read in English? English not my heart language!"

According to Shaquille O'Neal, "Uhhh...."

After several hours of confusion, Commissioner Stern made another statement to the press, "LeBron James is the biggest star in our league. He is our King James. Therefore, we are going with the bible that is named after him. Thank you."

18 April, 2009

First "We're Not A Church" of Baton Rouge

Baton Rouge, LA -- "We're not a Church," explained senior non-pastor Alvin Winters. "We do not want to be mistaken for a church. We do not meet in a church. We do not have members like a church. We simply get together and express the possibility of a god, whomever he or she might or might not be."

Most of the time, the First We're Not A Church of Baton Rouge does not even meet on Sunday morning. "We sing or rap anytime," said non-minister of music Samuel Gladstone. "Common times for gathering are Monday through Thursday from 10 to midnight. Many people feel they are better able to get to the heart of expressing the god within themselves in the later evenings."

Wendy Peabody, the youth non-leader, thinks it's very important to explicitly denounce the word "church" to attract today's younger crowd. "Some places do not use the word 'church' on the marquee, using simple names such as 'The Gathering Place' or 'Winthrope's Village.' That can be misleading. Such places are actually churches attempting to disguise their true churchness. But at First We're Not A Church of Baton Rouge, everyone knows we are not a church. There is no misunderstanding."

Though our slogan is 'Let's Just Have a Conversation' there's no obligation to speak," added Alvin. "We commonly conversate without words by feeling each others touch non-physically. So...why don't you drop by some non-Sunday for some non-School?"

14 April, 2009

Extraordinary, Amazing, Outstanding, Fabulous Women and Their God Conference

CHICAGO, IL - Inspired by other women-focused get-togethers, a new conference will be heading our way in October of this year. The Extraordinary, Amazing, Outstanding, Fabulous Women and Their God Conference (EAOFWATGC) will be held in Chicago at the United Center from the 15th to the 17th. The purpose of this conference will be to look at how many ways God has made women to be the amazing creatures they are.

According to EAOFWATGC spokesperson Tammy Gelf, "We want to take some time out to focus on the extraordinary creatures that God has made us. We will have speakers and sessions that specifically discuss our being made in the image of God, our capacity for good, our ability to be holy, our capacity to give birth, our potential to be role models, and our gift to our husbands of being a Proverbs 31 wife."

We at TBNN inquired as to whether or not God would be the focus of this self-described Christian conference. Ms. Gelf responded, "Of course. We will begin with an opening prayer, thanking God for making us the absolutely incredible creatures we are. After that, our great line-up of speakers will begin. Although all the speakers have not yet been named, I'll tell you a few: Victoria Osteen, Paula White, Joyce Meyer, and author Karen Kingsbury. We thought about asking Ann Graham Lotz, but we were afraid she might mention sin or something like that. What we want is for the ladies who attend to leave this place excited about who they are. God has made us fabulous creatures. We should be excited about that!"

11 April, 2009

It's All About Ewe Service

Denture, TX -- "The real meaning of Easter is so exciting. I'm so excited, and we want the kids to be excited. We want the parents to be excited that their kids are excited," said Garland Christofsen, senior pastor of Big Toys Assembly, a large church-type group in Denture, Texas.

Christofsen says he wants all children to understand the real meaning of Easter, that's why his "church" is conducting an It's All About Ewe service this Easter Sunday morning in place of the regularly scheduled morning services.

In addition to placing 100,000 plastic eggs in the 15,000 seat sanctuary/auditorium, bonus prizes will include seven 52" Samsung flat panel LCD TVs with a contrast ratio of 35,000:1 and three European vacation packages for a family of 4 (including London, Paris, Berlin, and Rome) valued at $11,800. The grand prize is a Mercedes-Benz R-Class 7-passenger luxury sports utility vehicle.

The phrase of the day is "It's All About Ewe." Parents and children will receive a red ticket each time they find an egg together, look each other in the face, and scream "IT'S ALL ABOUT EWE." Each red ticket enters the child/parent pair into the drawing to receive one of the bonus prizes.

"The Bible says somewhere in the New Testament that Jesus is the Lamb of God," said Pastor Christofsen. "A ewe is a lamb. Get it? Easter is all about Jesus. So, when a kid finds a plastic egg filled with candy and also get a chance at one of our magnificent door prizes by screaming 'It's all about ewe' in his parent's face, they will really be screaming about Jesus, the real meaning of Easter."

Pastor Christofsen hopes that people will not confuse their It's All About Ewe service in Denture, Texas with the Easter Egg Hunt in Denton, Texas scheduled for today. "We would not feel right about having a service that did not focus on Jesus."

07 April, 2009

Professor Finally Disproves the Resurrection

DURHAM, NC - Dr. Edwin Barkley (pictured here), Distinguished Professor of New Testament Studies at Duke Divinity School, has reportedly succeeded in a life-long dream. According to a recent Duke press report, Dr. Barkley has finally disproved the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Barkley graciously granted us an interview on the momentous occasion.

TBNN: Dr. Barkley, could you please fill us in on your goal and findings?

Barkley: It would be a privilege. I must back up a bit. I was raised in a mainline United Methodist Church. We were told from early on that Jesus rose from the dead. I loved this story until I reached high school. At that point, with the help of my public high school biology teacher, I realized that people simply do not rise from the dead. Any faith I had soon crashed to the ground. Since that time, I have wanted other people to realize that although Jesus was a great teacher and example to all of us, he is still dead. Additionally, God does not exist.

TBNN: How have you disproved that Christ was resurrected?

Barkley: It simply cannot happen. I've looked at 10,000 deaths recorded in the United States over the past three years. None of those people came back to life. Therefore, Jesus couldn't come back either.

TBNN: But, sir, that is looking only at other people's lives, not the life of Jesus. Don't you see a problem with that?

Barkley: No.

TBNN: What do you have to say about the biblical record? All four gospel writers tell us that Jesus did rise from the dead.

Barkley: Those are simply fairy tales from a simpler time.

TBNN: What about the fact that we have a tremendous number of very old New Testament manuscripts that consistently speak of a resurrection?

Barkley: The manuscripts may be consistent, but the fact remains that no one rises from the dead.

TBNN: What about the over 500 witnesses that could have spoken out against the claim of a resurrection? Should they all be discounted?

Barkley: The ancients probably had good intentions, but they didn't understand modern science.

TBNN: What do you have to say about the terrible deaths that 11 of the 12 disciples endured for Christ? Why would they have been willing to die for someone who didn't come back to life?

Barkley: That is not evidence; it is just folktales.

TBNN: Some skeptics over the years have turned to Christ in faith. One great example is C.S. Lewis. What do you think happened there?

Barkley: Lewis was a fool. nothing more needs to be said.

TBNN: Soon after Jesus' life, a new phenomenon called the church came into being. This phenomenon spread rapidly across the Roman Empire. Do you think this could have happened if the resurrection is not true?

Barkley: This is all circumstantial and anecdotal evidence. It proves nothing.

TBNN: So you do not believe there is any solid evidence for the resurrection?

Barkley: No. In fact, I've proven it because it cannot happen. There, I've said it again. Since I've said the resurrection cannot happen, then it cannot happen. I'll keep saying it until others start believing it.

TBNN: Dr. Barkley, with all due respect, we don't see much evidence on your part.

Barkley: Listen closely to me. Here's my evidence: It can't happen. That settles it.

04 April, 2009

The Lucky Day Roulette Bible

Atlantic City, NJ -- The Lucky Day Roulette Bible is here!

Yes folks! There is now no need to worry about whether you are using enough randomness in choosing your Bible reading for the day (or week).

Instead of using the old "flip open the Bible" method or even the "let the Bible fall open" method, why not totally randomize your Bible reading experience and give some of those verses in Genesis and Revelation a better chance?

In searching for guidance for our day, we've all done it. We've thought, "Lord give me a verse," and then flipped open our Bible. Maybe some of us even closed our eyes and dropped our finger on the page in an attempt to receive specific guidance from the Lord for the moment.

But after a few times of doing this, we begin to realize that we can actually aim for certain parts of the New and Old Testament. It's no secret that Psalms is directly in the center of most Bibles. Half way between the center and the end, most can find Matthew. Equipped with this knowledge of the Bible, some individuals are really using their own minds and intellect to choose Bible passages rather than hearing directly from the Lord.

But the Lucky Day Roulette Bible will totally remove your mind from the verse selection process, which must mean the Lord is doing the guiding. By spinning the specially designed roulette wheel 3 times on the front of the Bible, and referring to the easy to follow chart just before Genesis, you are ensured of totally randomizing your choice of the Bible's 31,103 verses (we use the 15 verse version of 3 John).

You may not realize it, but if you do not randomize your Bible verse for the day, your physiology (in other words, your flesh) may be guiding you. "For first timers, the flip open the Bible method actually has a lot to do with the size of the thumb and the left- or right-handedness of the flipper," says Dr. Marla Wiggins, Distinguished Research Statistician at Rutgers University.

"Some have heard the old statistic that if a child is not saved by the time he or she is 12, there is only a 1% chance for salvation in the older years. This statistic is dominated by right-handed children whose thumbs fall directly into the four gospels during the flip open the Bible method. My studies find that left-handed men over 18 with large thumbs actually experience a very high salvation rate," explained Dr. Wiggins.

So why not take your mind and your flesh out of equation? Get your Lucky Day Roulette Bible today!