Advertisement: Unsaved On Board Signs

Some of you may remember the old "Baby On Board" signs from the late 1980s and early 1990s. Those bright yellow "Baby on Board" signs used to alert other motorists to drive safely because a small child is on board.

Well, what can you do when all those babies are all grown up? They are no longer babies, so you can no longer use those old signs. That's obvious. What if you are not a baby, but you'd like others to be careful around you?

Regardless of who you are, have you ever thought about this from an eternal perspective? The threat of danger for an unsaved teenager, young adult, or even an older person is more serious now than it ever was when he or she was a baby. Don't you want other motorists to drive at least as safely for your unsaved loved one as they did for your baby?

The folks at Safety First have worked with Lifeway to develop an onboard sign to eliminate exactly those fears. It's the new Unsaved On Board warning sign for your car window.

When your teenager or adult child asks to borrow the car, don't cringe. Just say "Yes." But as you say "Yes," and hand them the keys also hand them the "Unsaved On Board" warning sign for protection.

Sandy Watson, Vice President of Public Relations for Safety First believes the Unsaved On Board signs can simultaneously be used as a safety precaution and a witnessing tool. "It's a constant reminder for those unsaved young drivers that they are lost. It can also be placed next to a young child once they reach the age of accountability." Note: see denominational leaders for the proper age of accountability for your denomination.

Krissy Wilkens, 14, was saved shortly after her mother, Jessica, began placing the sign on the window next to her seat in the minivan. "It was like I couldn't like think of anything else as she drove me to school or whatever that first week," said Krissy. Krissy was baptized exactly one month from the day her mother began using the sign.

Ms. Wilma Martingale, 72, bought two for herself. "I've been faithfully attending church for 40 years now and am hoping the Lord will save me one day. I can't count the number of times I thought I trusted the Lord, but then doubted the moment of my salvation on the ride home. So, until the Lord saves me for certain, I want other drivers on the road to be extra careful."

So get your Unsaved On Board sign today. Affixes to the inside of your car window with an easy on/off suction cup. Patented by Safety First. Measures 7" x 5". Sold in packs of two. $5.95 retail in most Lifeway stores.

Unfortunate Conference Name Leads to Confusion, Low Attendance

WILMORE, KY - In a turn of events that no one predicted, a simple lapse in judgment has led to a furor at Asbury Theological Seminary.

The reason for the problem: the first annual Pro-Choice Conference was held on campus in late January of this year. This title, which seemed pleasant enough to conference coordinators, led to both far lower than expected attendance and downright confusion on the part of some.

According to seminary spokesperson Jenny Wray, "Our seminary is deeply rooted in the Wesleyan-Methodist heritage. We sense that our distinctive beliefs are under attack from the new Calvinist-fundamentalists roaming the halls of many evangelical seminaries these days. In order to confront these new Calvinist beliefs, our theology department decided to hold a conference that focuses on man's choice for or against God. In light of the topic, the conference was simply named the Pro-Choice Conference. Once the conference began, however, we realized there was going to be trouble."

According to Dr. David Sims, professor of systematic theology at Asbury, "We were expecting at least several hundred pastors and students to attend our conference. After the astounding success of the recent John 3:16 Anti-Calvinistic Conference in Atlanta, we figured that we would have people flocking to hear our speakers. Unfortunately, as the conference approached only 32 people had registered. Of the 32, 19 were current Asbury students. After a disappointing conference full of empty seats, we asked why so few had attended. The sad reality is that the conference name really was a problem."

Several pastors in the Kentucky/Tennessee/Ohio region quietly told TBNN that they thought Asbury had shifted even farther to the left and was endorsing abortion rights. Although this turned out to be false, it was still enough to scare away many possible attendees.

Although not publicized by the seminary, TBNN has also learned that of the 32 people who did attend, 9 were confused and upset members of the National Organization for Women. These women showed up expecting an exciting conference about how Christianity and abortion can be reconciled. When they found out the conference's focus was upon man's choice of God, they were disgusted and angry. Sally Harries, a member of NOW, told TBNN, "We are happy that Asbury is in favor of ordaining women to be pastors. That is a step in the right direction. We thought they had made another progressive leap forward when we heard about this conference. Everyone knows that 'pro-choice' refers to abortion rights. Why did these theology professors trick us like this? I drove all the way from Cincinnati to be here. What a waste of time!"

Asbury reportedly is planning a similar conference for next year, but we have learned that the name will be changed to the The Sovereignty of Man Conference.

Church Passes Offertory Paper Plate to Avoid Lavish Appearance

Las Vegas, NV -- Self Control Baptist Church in Las Vegas, Nevada has announced that they will begin using offertory paper plates beginning Sunday, February 15, 2009.

"During these economic times, we need to be a bit more sensitive to appearances," said Pastor Jack Blossman. "It's a matter of perception. Do we want to appear extravagant? No. The offertory paper plate symbolizes this desire."

The church receives tithes and offerings from all walks of life-- the newly rich as well as the newly poor. "For the most part, those who attend 0ur church services are those who have recently acquired their new-found poorness," said church clerk Kate Wiengarter. "We do not want the more humble givers to feel uncomfortable tossing a quarter into a traditional offertory plate with a brass rim, soft green felt in the bowl, and a thin wooden layer underneath."

The traditional offertory plate has a price tag of $50, a non-issue for treasurer Glenn Carter. "It's completely normal to have a sturdy plate for our clients. The old plates were a non-issue. They were a legitimate expense-- a normal and appropriate part of our business," an upset Carter explains.

But the big question raised by some is, for a church whose members will eventually benefit from a big government bailout, pumping trillions of dollars into the economy, "were the $50 plates too lavish?"

"When our deacon board met, we were faced with this very question," said head deacon Marvin Willis. "Our decision in the end was to choose a offertory plate whose value would be less than the minimum offering we were likely to encounter."

Mars Lander Discovered AMD Phenom II

Washington, DC -- NASA released a report this week confirming that the Phoenix, known simply as The Mars Lander by most, discovered the equivalent of a AMD Phenom II processor (a computer chip found in many Dell laptops) during its visit to Mars last year.

Phoenix was able to take high resolution pictures of the chip, confirming the exact dimensions. With one of its robotic arms, the Phoenix was able to break open the AMD Phenom II processor, revealing all the intricate details normally found within.

Physicist Dr. Smithy Peters, principal investigator and leader of the entire mission, explained, "I believe the correct combination of elements came together in a cosmic storm about 14.7 billion years ago. After the puddle died down, a perfectly formed processor was left, identical to an AMD Phenom II chip."

Wouldn't such a finding prove that life exists on other planets? Dr. Ollie Jones, microbiologist and Associate Professor at South Carolina State believes so. "The finding is important in our quest for life outside of the earth." Although the finding of an AMD Phenom II is a very important discovery, it really is only a small step towards finding life on other planets, according to Dr. Jones. "We have a long way to go before we can prove that a single living cell formed on its own. You see, the computer chip is about 10,00o times less complex than the simplest of any single living microbe."

But with trillions of trillions of trillions of trillions of planets, he is hopeful that science will eventually prove that a living cell has formed somewhere else besides the earth. Finding this simple, basic AMD Phenom II processer on Mars does prove that the spontaneous appearance of a machine may be possible.

Part of the issues left to solve involve the irreducible complexity of the cell vs. the computer chip. A cell is irreducibly complex (meaning basically that none of its parts can survive outside the cell system) whereas a computer chip is made up of many individual usable parts.

"The complexity factor is definitely a concern. Finding an actual living cell would be more comparable to finding a manufacturing plant for the AMD Phenom II," says biochemistry professor Michael Behe. "So, it may take a little more searching before the Phoenix team will find evidence of a spontaneously generated living cell."

Of course, adding electricity to the chip, in addition to the remainder of the laptop, is quite the stretch. But again, finding a simple AMD Phenom II chip on Mars, which is so close to Earth, increases the believability that we'll find life on other planets. The believability factor would increase more if we could find a full laptop with battery power and an electrical recharging source out there somewhere. Such a find would lend more credibility to the notion that we could discover life on other planets, but it would take a leap of faith to make the jump from the existence of a simple laptop which can continuously recharge itself to the notion that a more complex single living microbe appeared by chance.

Slopology: Gail Riplinger, the Titanic and My Exploding Brain

slop-ol-o-gy (slŏp-ŏl'ə-jē)
noun, plural -gies
1. The study of slop

The absurd and far-out are no strangers to TBNN. But every now and then a little something comes along that defies any laws of stupidity. The laws of stupidity state that something can only be so ridiculous before people with an IQ of at least 12 will say "Okay, that just doesn't make any sense."

Take a look at this video posted by Alpha and Omega Ministries. It contains a radio clip by a KJV-Only extremist by the name of Gail Riplinger. For those of you who don't know about her, she's written several "books" on the subject, all filled with inaccuracies and stuff that I'm convinced she just plain made up. I've always thought Gail Riplinger to be a bit "out there", but now I'm convinced that there's something clinical going on. Just google her name and you'll see.

So here's the video.

WARNING! TBNN takes no responsibility if your IQ drops from watching this. What you're about to see is absolutely STUPID. Not just "stupid" but "stoooooopiiiiiiid!"