14 May, 2009

Update: Evolutionist Finally Proves that God Does Not Exist

LOS ANGELES, CA - In response to this post, Dr. Francis Welland of UCLA pulled his head out of the sand yesterday and made an amazing assertion. According to Dr. Welland, "I have finally proven once and for all that God does not exist. I know this will make my supporters happy. We are all overjoyed and relieved to have arrived at this day."

Dr. Welland, speaking to an introductory level biology class, continued, "How can I make this claim? This is how: I have been everywhere there is to be. I have seen everything there is to see. I have heard everything there is to hear. I have done everything there is to do. In light of my experiences and research, I can faithfully say to you today that God does not exist. I have not seen nor heard him; therefore, there is no God."

At the conclusion of his announcement, Dr. Welland's students gave him a standing ovation.

UCLA is this morning considering giving Dr. Welland a promotion to full professor status, a paid writing leave of absence, and an honorary doctorate at the December 2009 commencement.


Greg said...

So that's why atheists can cleverly dodge questions and assert that they are automatically right. Whew, glad that debate is settled. Thank God for Dr. Welland!

Mesa Mike said...

The "Friendly Atheist" doesn't appreciate Tominthebox humor?

What's this world coming to?

Chris B said...

This, I think, is better satire than your previous post, Elder Eric; any Gnostic Atheist (that is, someone who claims to know with certainty that God does not exist) is, indeed, implying that "I have been everywhere there is to be. I have seen everything there is to see. I have heard everything there is to hear. I have done everything there is to do." That is why I, like most atheists I know, consider myself an Agnostic Atheist (that is, I lack belief in any God or gods, but I do not claim certainty or infallibility in this disbelief, and I am open to changing my mind if new evidence is presented).

Elder Eric said...

Chris B.,

Well said (and thank you).

I will admit that there are both Christians and atheists who are not willing to even have an intelligent conversation, but would rather just insult each other.

In you have the time, please feel free to look at some of our other posts. We poke fun on an equal opportunity level. In fact, as a Southern Baptist myself, I probably make more fun of Baptists than anyone else.

Joshua D. Boyce said...

C.S. Lewis wrote:
Supposing there was no intelligence behind the universe, no creative mind. In that case, nobody designed my brain for the purpose of thinking. It is merely that when the atoms inside my skull happen, for physical or chemical reasons, to arrange themselves in a certain way, this gives me, as a by-product, the sensation I call thought. But, if so, how can I trust my own thinking to be true? It's like upsetting a milk jug and hoping that the way it splashes itself will give you a map of London. But if I can't trust my own thinking, of course I can't trust the arguments leading to Atheism, and therefore have no reason to be an Atheist, or anything else. Unless I believe in God, I cannot believe in thought: so I can never use thought to disbelieve in God.

This guy should get together with the one who disproved the Christ rising from the dead...