"OK, here's the table of contents... now where is Romans in this book?"
"In the beginning, the Church teaches...."
So that IS in the Bible after all!
Twilight was such a good movie I have to read the book.
This Bible presented to Joey Ratzinger from Vacation Bible School...
Wow, this ESV study Bible is huge!
After being given a large print Bible that he can actually read, the Pope is disturbed to find that Luther was right all along.
See Spot run. See Ted and Jan run. See Spot, Ted and Jan run!
WATCHTOWER??!?!?!!!?! Just where did they bring me today, I thought my calendar said Notre Dame Cathedral on April 1st.
"Today's reading from The Big Book of Anathemas brings us to section T: Tom in the Box...
"Blast it! Someone keeps switching my 'To-Do' list with this catalog of Mortal Sins....what to do...what to do..."
"Will Bella and Edward stay together? I have to finish this!"
Oh no... what are we going to do?That word... it's celebRate...
"I'll be darned, God really IS sovereign."
Good work TBNNers. I knew I could count on you for some good satire.Let's see if we can get to 30 comments.
if only this Bible had one more ribbon...
Man, now I know why protestants remove the apocrypha.
Well, seeing as how I'm Pope and all, I should probably crack this thing open at least once...
adrenocorticotropin, noun, same as adrenocorticotropic hormoneadrift, adjective & adverb, floating without being moored or steeredadroit, adjective, clever or skillful......
The MASS mass, for the serious Catholic who only has time to attend once per year.
what? huh? our number is 999?
...and to prove my point we'll go to Scripture. "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of wor"...er...um...and they all lived happily ever after. The end.
Can someone help me get this condom out the packet?
Latin is so hard to read, I sure wish I had an ESV
...and now, reading from the preface to the introduction of the New Vest Pocket Edition of the Book of Church Order...
"The size of the bible is indication of the size of the spiritual life. Right? I read that somewhere."
We have done it, a Greek and Hebrew Lexicon that says go back to Latin, and a parelle of three of our bible versions, and The Message to show how heretical all Protestants our.Gentlemen of the Cardinals Guild of the World, I give you the Bible to end all Bibles.....Plus at the back the three versions are appended in Lexicon format so we can get our errant brothers from Vatican II back.... we don't want them thinking we really like The Message after all....and if we used something like that ESV the world would know we are wrong....
Adom & Eave where the first not Adom & Steav
Whoa...I don't remember ever reading this before! Now how am I supposed to explain this without reversing 1700 years of church customs? I wonder if anyone else in my flock has seen this yet?
Thanks for helping us get to 30 comments.Here's my little addition:"Now where is the part in here where they make Peter the first Pope?"
"Thus says the church" silly Bible not "Thus says the Lord"
"Now everyone. Check with me... Ezra, Nehemiah, Tobit, Tombimbadil, Judith, Johnny, Jimmi, Frank, Esther, 1 Maccabees, 2 Maccabees, 2&1/2 Maccabees, Winnie the Pooh vol 1, Winnie the Tiger vol 2, Winnie the Discernment vol 0... So, does everyone have the only acceptable Catholic Bible?"
You're the 1,000,000th visitor to sign the Vatican's guestbook!
"Oh, man! How did I end up with this corrupt New Catholic Answer Bible? I hope Dave Armstrong doesn't get wind of this...."
"Oh look! It's a birthday present from John Piper - an ESV Study BIble!!! I've never had a Bible before."--------------------------------"Genesis 1, yada yada yada... Genesis 2, yada yada yada... Wait, I thought evolution was supposed to be in here somewhere!"
Where's the book of Dalmatians? I just know it's in here somewhere! I gotta find out if Pongo escapes from Cruella!
In 1st Opinions 4:13 we read, "Your fried chicken will wait for you at the restaurant on Sunday afternoon." Hmmmm, someone swapped my prayer book for a Southern Baptist Bible.
"You have heard it said in the Bible, 'There is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus,' but I say unto you..."
In the beginning God created the Magesterium...
He then reads from the Book .....Chapter 3 Verse 5 of He Who is Better..."Because I feel, no I believe, I am better than the Pope, Bishop of Rome, successor of St. Peter, the Prince of the Apostles, Vicar of Christ, Servants of the Servants of God, I will teach to my fellow Christians that personal interpretation is possible, is a must, and can be done! In this way we can now all be our own Popes and we will never need authority to pour down on us their own self-serving heretical and corrupt beliefs."and realizing he was reading from a Another Prayer Book... and not THE Bible.
Hmmm... I see here in Matthew 23:9 it says "And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven." Well, I guess I can explain that away. But wait, it says here in 1 Timothy 4:1-3 "Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth." Now that's a little tougher... I'm not sure that they'll buy it if I tell them that seducing spirits and devils are just another name for Pope, Bishop of Rome, successor of St. Peter, the Prince of the Apostles, Vicar of Christ, Servants of the Servants of God. Things were just so much simpler when nobody but me had access to this annoying book!
"Now...How do I install Net Finney?"
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