07 April, 2009

Professor Finally Disproves the Resurrection

DURHAM, NC - Dr. Edwin Barkley (pictured here), Distinguished Professor of New Testament Studies at Duke Divinity School, has reportedly succeeded in a life-long dream. According to a recent Duke press report, Dr. Barkley has finally disproved the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Barkley graciously granted us an interview on the momentous occasion.

TBNN: Dr. Barkley, could you please fill us in on your goal and findings?

Barkley: It would be a privilege. I must back up a bit. I was raised in a mainline United Methodist Church. We were told from early on that Jesus rose from the dead. I loved this story until I reached high school. At that point, with the help of my public high school biology teacher, I realized that people simply do not rise from the dead. Any faith I had soon crashed to the ground. Since that time, I have wanted other people to realize that although Jesus was a great teacher and example to all of us, he is still dead. Additionally, God does not exist.

TBNN: How have you disproved that Christ was resurrected?

Barkley: It simply cannot happen. I've looked at 10,000 deaths recorded in the United States over the past three years. None of those people came back to life. Therefore, Jesus couldn't come back either.

TBNN: But, sir, that is looking only at other people's lives, not the life of Jesus. Don't you see a problem with that?

Barkley: No.

TBNN: What do you have to say about the biblical record? All four gospel writers tell us that Jesus did rise from the dead.

Barkley: Those are simply fairy tales from a simpler time.

TBNN: What about the fact that we have a tremendous number of very old New Testament manuscripts that consistently speak of a resurrection?

Barkley: The manuscripts may be consistent, but the fact remains that no one rises from the dead.

TBNN: What about the over 500 witnesses that could have spoken out against the claim of a resurrection? Should they all be discounted?

Barkley: The ancients probably had good intentions, but they didn't understand modern science.

TBNN: What do you have to say about the terrible deaths that 11 of the 12 disciples endured for Christ? Why would they have been willing to die for someone who didn't come back to life?

Barkley: That is not evidence; it is just folktales.

TBNN: Some skeptics over the years have turned to Christ in faith. One great example is C.S. Lewis. What do you think happened there?

Barkley: Lewis was a fool. nothing more needs to be said.

TBNN: Soon after Jesus' life, a new phenomenon called the church came into being. This phenomenon spread rapidly across the Roman Empire. Do you think this could have happened if the resurrection is not true?

Barkley: This is all circumstantial and anecdotal evidence. It proves nothing.

TBNN: So you do not believe there is any solid evidence for the resurrection?

Barkley: No. In fact, I've proven it because it cannot happen. There, I've said it again. Since I've said the resurrection cannot happen, then it cannot happen. I'll keep saying it until others start believing it.

TBNN: Dr. Barkley, with all due respect, we don't see much evidence on your part.

Barkley: Listen closely to me. Here's my evidence: It can't happen. That settles it.


Joe Blackmon said...

I'm sorry, what part of this is supposed to be satire?

Darrin said...

I think I saw this on the History Channel, or maybe I heard it on NPR. Really exposes how the Church has been fooling us with all this just to keep us in submission all these centuries.

Great work. Happy Resurrection Day.

Stephen said...

For me, it just shows the depth of evidence for proving Christ's resurrection. The satire is in the folly of mans arguement against the resurrection. As it says in the Bible - "He is risen!"
Praise the Lord for this fact.

Jeff said...

By the way this same guy did some amazing research on creation and the reality of Heaven and Hell... those results are still pending but expected to follow a similar scientific process...

Jim Pemberton said...

"I've looked at 10,000 deaths recorded in the United States over the past three years. None of those people came back to life."


Puritan Lad said...

The sad part is that this is pretty much how these conversations go. The problem with the skeptic isn't a lack of evidence, for he has the same evidence that the believer does. The problem with the skeptic is metaphysical. For "If they do not hear Moses and the Prophets, neither will they be convinced if someone should rise from the dead." (Luke 16:31)

Jonathan laidlaw student said...

wow, this conversation actually proves the resurection! Thank God, my faith is not in vain.!!