21 April, 2009

NBA Takes KJV-Only Position

NEW YORK, NY - The National Basketball Association (NBA) announced on Monday that from this point forward it is taking a King-James-Only position on the bible.

According to Commissioner David Stern, "In the past the NBA has promoted the use of various bibles amongst its players. Because we desire and expect the best of morals in our league, we have always wanted bibles to be present in our arenas, training facilities, locker rooms, hotels, and team planes and buses. Within just the last five years we have distributed thousands of copies of the NIV, NKJV, ESV, and NLT. We never could get any of the players to read The Message. Regardless, we have made the decision today to change to the KJV only. In light of all the best manuscript evidence, the KJV is clearly the only God-inspired version that is readily accessible today. And don't even get me started on the Hebrew and Greek originals. Those have been long lost."

The result of this announcement was much confusion among the players.

Kobe Bryant was heard to say, "The KJV is fine if you speak 1611 English. I prefer my ESV because I'm Reformed and therefore trust the editors."

Dwayne Wade explained, "I know it may not be a word-for-word translation, but I really like my NIV. It's what I've grown up with."

Dirk Nowitski said, "German is first language. Do I now have read in English? English not my heart language!"

According to Shaquille O'Neal, "Uhhh...."

After several hours of confusion, Commissioner Stern made another statement to the press, "LeBron James is the biggest star in our league. He is our King James. Therefore, we are going with the bible that is named after him. Thank you."


Sir Brass said...

The very fact you said Kobe was reformed pegs this as pure satire.


Nice one.

Clay said...

It's all very nice to honor King James of Cleveland now, but what about St. Michael of Chicago, St. Larry of Boston, and the others ancient pillars of the Church of the Hardwood? Shouldn't they have a part in this decision, too?

Jason said...

what player from the 70's would have used the Amplified Version?
Pistol Pete, Wilt, Willis Reed?

A Pilgrim's Porridge said...

yeah, it's hard for me to imagine Kobe reading any bible regardless of it's legitimacy. Maybe that's because I hate the Lakers though. I need to get my heart right.