03 March, 2009

Methodist Funeral Home Owner Declares Bankruptcy

ERIE, PA - In a surprising turn of events, a once thriving funeral home has declared bankruptcy. Bob Robbins, the owner of Wellspring Funeral Home, told TBNN, "We used to have more business than we knew what to do with. However, lately we have been struggling a great deal. There just isn't enough money coming in to keep us afloat."

One former employee, who will now be waiting in unemployment lines, filled us in with more of the background information. Tim Emerson, a six year employee of Wellspring, said, "I think this is actually more of a theological issue than anything else. Mr. Robbins attends a Methodist church. Well, about six months ago his pastor was preaching through the book of Ephesians. When she reached Ephesians 2:1-3, his pastor told the congregation that when Paul wrote the word 'dead,' what the apostle really meant was 'dying.' She continued by saying that in order for a person to choose God, they couldn't really be dead spiritually.

Emerson went on, "Mr. Robbins got thinking about this. He told me that he began to wonder if any of the people that we had been burying were really dead, or if they just looked dead but were in fact only dying. Since then, we haven't been able to bury or cremate anyone. As you must understand, that puts a damper on your funeral home business. Since that sermon six months ago, our business has dropped 95%."

We later returned to Mr. Robbins and inquired whether or not he would be willing to bury anyone in the future. He responded, "I realize that I'll have to do that in order to re-open the business. I just don't think I can do it. I just couldn't live with the thought of anyone that I had buried waking up underground."

And yet another American business goes under.


Darrin said...

"thriving funeral home" - sadly sounds like some churches.

It does appear that the church's errors in soteriology (doctrine of salvation) may begin with poor anthropology - exactly what are we made up of, and what is our condition?

"He's just MOSTLY dead!" - Miracle Max in The Princess Bride,
and the perspective of the modern evangelical church on the doctrines of grace.

fresnel said...

Well of all the silliness. I never heard of such a thing as a funeral home not knowing dead when they see it. If you want to know if something's dead, just use the potato salad test. Problem solved.

Amanda said...

"I'm not dead yet!" (sorry - couldn't resist!)

ephesians619 said...

And then, to further confuse things, there's the whole problem of what to do with the those from the First Church at Sardis who, although they may have the reputation of being alive, are dead...

Mesa Mike said...

They're just pining for the fjords.

Sir Brass said...

"Pining for the fjiords?

I have never heard such silliness. It's not pining, it's passed on! Deceased, ceased to exist, pushing up the daises, gone to join the choir invisible! This is an EX-funeral home."

"I'm tellin' you 'e's pining."

Jim Pemberton said...

SCOM - I thought the post was good (it is). The comments are hilarious!