28 March, 2009

Man Explains How He "Dedicated His Hands" To The Lord

Memphis, TN -- He rises at 5:45 am each morning and begins a process that few could maintain. The routine begins by removing custom fitted lambskin gloves and ends with a light coating of Jurlique Rose Hand Cream. The 18-step process takes approximately two hours and includes a ten minute soak in buttermilk followed by a three minute rinse with apple cider vinegar to remove any remaining dead skin cells.

Why does he do it? Well, Jasper Willington is always quick to answer, "Three years ago, I dedicated my hands to the Lord. Just look at these palms!"

Since Jasper dedicated his hands to the Lord, he has had to give up many things. "It's unfortunate, but I can no longer perform any manual labor with my hands." Jasper has placed himself on a strict regimen that does not allow him to drive, cook, lift, type, mow, button, make the bed, or touch another living thing.

Some may wonder how a human could give up so much. "It's totally worth it knowing that my hands are dedicated to the Lord and the Lord alone. Every time I look at my hands, I think 'thank you, Lord for giving me such hands that I can give back to you.'"


Angela said...

Wow... just think of the implications of dedicating your whole self to God. You could live in a spa and never do anything useful again.

Greg said...

He looks just like the guy who named and claimed a double negative. They must have been separated at birth.

Jonathan said...

I was just sitting here thinking, "You know, I'm way too busy. I need a good religious excuse to get out of some work..."


UncleChicken said...

Hey, wasn't this the guy who married himself? In that case it's really not all that bad. I mean, really, how many wives wouldn't love this sort of treatment from their husbands? He's just setting a good example, really.

Sir Brass said...

-15000 man points for his astute knowledge of B&BW-like terms :).

Heh heh, thanks again, Dr. Br., this one made my groan and chuckle at the same time.

Brother Slawson said...

You guys crack me up. Your picture memories are amazing. Sir Brass... I had to look up what B&BW stands for... does that give me back some man points?