17 January, 2009

Southern Baptists Displace Black Bears As Arkansas' #1 Largest Mammal


Little Rock, AR -- Arkansas Baptist State Convention representatives have confirmed that the Arkansas Southern Baptist has surpassed the Arkansas Black Bear in the state's largest mammal category in a recent study. The study was performed by Dr. Joseph Mendleton of Mississippi State University's Fullbrite College of Arts and Sciences.

Dr. Mendleton provides evidence in his working paper, "Winter Consumption Patterns of Arkansas Large Mammals." Sampling girth measurements of available species during the month of December, Dr. Mendleton was surprised to discover that the sample of Black Bears in the study were consistently smaller in circumference than the sample of Southern Baptists.



Serious questions have been raised over the validity of the study. A rebuttal report by Walt Samson of the University of Arkansas' School of Veterinary Medicine contained two potential flaws. "First of all, it is not fair to compare the Southern Baptist at his peak grazing season with the Black Bear that is coming out of hibernation for short periods of time during December. Secondly, there are questions regarding the differences in measurement technique. Black bear sizes were determined by estimation using triangulation and photography while the bear was standing upright. The Southern Baptist in the study were typically measured in a slumped position, having been shot with tranquilizer darts while leaving Baptist church fellowship halls."

Dr. Mendleton is confident his findings will hold up, "Other researchers are welcome to check my results and take their own measurements. I am willing to share my data, as well as turn over the tracking data of the tagged participants."

10 comments:

James said...

Oh this is wonderful silliness :D. Thanks, Bro. Slawson :).

Stephen B. said...

As a Little Rock, AR Southern Baptist...ouch. Well, I'm off to the church potluck.

Pastor Jim said...

I would be rolling on the floor laughing--but then I wouldn't be able to get back up.

BTW--do you think the tranquelizer darts were really necessary? Everybody knows that it's a requirement to nap immediately after a fellowship meal. Otherwise, there might be a risk of actually burning off some of the calories that were consumed.

fresnel said...

I'm sorry, but I'm getting so-oo-oo stumbled by you showing your picture of a bare naked bear. I don't see that it's fair to put a dressed person next to a naked bear and start making comparisons. Of COURSE the man looks bigger.

If you're going to start making comparisons, I think you need to do it on equal terms--dress the bear like the man and then you'll be comparing pears with pears. Okay?

Jeff said...

Slow building applause begins...

UncleChicken said...

Great stuff!

Angus W. Duncan said...

Ha-ha-ha! Good one!

pilgrim mommy said...

Very funny!!!!

I now have a mental image of scientists tracking a group of deacons to the Golden Corral for their monthly breakfast meeting, all wearing radio collars and ear tags.

Was the research funded by government grant money?

Jim Pemberton said...

There seems to be an interesting juxtaposition of the bear coming out for short periods from hibernation and the Southern Baptist coming out of church.

Jonathan said...

I want to see a version of 'Crocodile Hunter' with a team of hunters tracking the 'wild' and 'immense' creatures through the city.

...one of the best ones yet! Keep it up!

Jonathan