30 August, 2008

New Bible Body Spray



Women, the secret is out! New Bible is in! Want to cover up embarrassing odor without attracting the wrong kind of man? Why take a chance with unbiblical sprays? Smell like a new Bible with New Bible Body Spray for Women.


Attention men! Want to be a promise keeper, but still looking for a Proverbs 31 woman to help you keep your promise? You’ll never find one with an axe under your arm or old spices on your face. Have the confidence to smell like a new Bible all day, with New Bible Body Spray for Men.

Everyone rightly wants to guard against odor and sweat. But strong Christians should be extra careful to avoid inciting secular advances with those unscriptural body sprays.

Just purchase New Bible Body Spray and you'll never again be confined to the Bible section of bookstores on Friday and Saturday night. You'll know immediately when that soon-to-be special someone walks by, even if you are in the grocery store or Blockbuster. New Bible Body Spray is specially formulated to emit the scent of a fresh Bible straight off the Lifeway shelf.

Most Christians know that wonderful scent of a fresh, new Bible. If they don’t, they are probably not real Christians. Seeker sensitive Christians use New Bible Body Spray.

So, go ahead. Put your Bible away and relax in your favorite coffee shop with a Sports Illustrated or Homes & Gardens. Do not sit there for hours with your Bible open, waiting to be spotted by another Christian. The specially formulated New Bible scent will be with you wherever you go.

Remember: New Bible Body Spray “It’s For Strong Christians.”
Note: If you are more likely to experience a downpour of sweat than simply perspire, try the New Amplified Bible Body Spray.

29 August, 2008

TBNN Exclusive: Fred Phelps Not in Running for McCain VP

Topeka, Ks - In an exclusive interview with an anonymous member of the John McCain campaign, TBNN has learned that the Rev. Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church is not a potential vice presidential running mate for the Republican ticket. Some had speculated whether Phelps, the controversial and often inflammatory pastor, might be a possible choice. But when TBNN questioned the campaign worker it became clear that Phelps is "nowhere in the picture."

"No, Phelps will not be at today's rally," said the worker. "I don't think he was ever a consideration."

With Phelps out of the picture speculation is now turning to exactly who will be chosen with some experts suggesting names like John Hagee, Creflo Dollar and Hank Hanegraaff. Others have speculated that the Rev. Jesse Jackson will be named. McCain is expected to make his announcement today at 12PM EST.

25 August, 2008

Obama Expected to Take "NLT-Only" Position

DENVER, CO - Later this week, Senator Barack Obama is expected to be named the presidential nominee for the Democratic Party. Due to his popularity, Senator Obama will make his acceptance speech in front of an expected crowd of 70,000 at Invesco Field.

TBNN has been forwarded an advance-copy of the Senator's acceptance speech. While it is filled with the typical rhetoric of any acceptance speech, it did contain something that surprised even us. It appears that Obama will finally weigh-in on the much debated issue of which bible translation is best.

In the speech, Obama will say, "I've given much thought and prayer to this issue. Let me first say that I prefer the original Hebrew and Greek. However, I also realize that the common man cannot read those languages. Therefore, the issue is which of the English translations best renders the meaning of the originals."

Obama will continue, "Although I have preferred other translations in the past, my current favorite is the New Living Translation. In fact, from this day forward I will hold an NLT-only position!" At this point in the speech, the Senator will pause due to the expected loud applause.

"My reasoning, after much prayer and fasting, is that the NLT has come from a thought-for-thought or idea-for-idea philosophy of translation. This stands in opposition to the word-for-word translations such as the KJV, NKJV, NASB, ESV, HCSB, etc. Because the NLT uses a thought-for-thought approach, this translation cannot be as exact as some of the others. This allows me to claim to like the bible while still holding to blatantly unbiblical positions such as supporting partial-birth-abortions and same-sex unions." Again, long, loud applause is expected.

TBNN has discovered that Obama will conclude his speech by saying, "My faith is very important to me. I have faith in God, that's why I carry the NLT. I also have faith in acceptance, tolerance, and diversity. That's also why I carry the NLT. With this loose translation as my guide, along with several trans-gendered communists, I will lead this country to places it has never been!"

23 August, 2008

Thornhill Named Spokeman of Williamsburg Baptist Church



Rockdale, KY -- Lester Thornhill of Williamsburg Baptist Church in Rockdale, Kentucky confirmed to TBNN on Friday that he was named spokesman for Williamsburg in all matters pertaining to “what that church does” and “how that church feels.”

Thornhill, 48, will be the sole spokesman for the church comprising a small group of some 100 men, women, and children, including the pastor, deacons, administration, and committee heads.

“I want people to be informed,” Thornhill said. “I feel this is a call of God on my life.”

Thornhill, a native of Brussells, Kentucky and a former attender of the University of Southwestern Kentucky in 1970, became Williamsburg’s unofficial spokesman after his own self-appointment to this position on Wednesday.

“When I left Williamsburg in June, I decided I would begin sharing all the information God has revealed to me. I have found that I have an amazing knack for understanding what the pastor and deacons and committee heads do. Not only that, but I also have been given the gift of discerning any prideful and selfish motives behind their actions.”

Thornhill plans to be available for public statements at Starbucks each Sunday morning from 9am to noon. He hopes to help those who regularly attend Williamsburg by interpreting all the implications of the current leadership’s opinions free of charge. You can make appointments for private phone sessions at that time.

22 August, 2008

Anointed Blimp Ministry Takes Off

By Dr. Bill

Houston, TX As a natural extension of “anointed” music, it was inevitable that Charismatic icon Joel Osteen would turn to the sky for a new rain of spiritual blessings.

Sunday evening, Osteen excitedly shared with 1100 attendees in Atlanta, “Several miraculous thoughts converged on me this afternoon. I saw the crushing hunger of the world and so few dedicated servants of God to relieve that suffering. I saw the supernatural anointing that comes upon obedient believers when touched with oil from my fingers. I saw supernatural power flowing from our anointed praise band, washing over all of you. Suddenly all was clear. Suddenly I knew. I knew what I must do. And I invite you to join me in God’s next and greatest campaign to bless the world through our anointed efforts for Him. Are you with me? I said, ARE YOU WITH ME? I SAID, ARE…”

What Osteen has come up with is nothing less than inspired. Osteen Anointed Sky Song Ministries is all about music, crops, oil, and money. According to Osteen, “It is well known that if you sing to plants, they grow better, so it's not hard to see how music, crops and oil that I have personally blessed can come together to relieve world hunger.”

Osteen plans to begin his blimp ministry just outside of Houston dedicated to anointing farmer's fields (following a donation to his ministry) using drums of fertilizer saturated sunflower oil. As the anointing progresses, Hillsong praise choruses will blare down onto the growing crops. According to Osteen, “We have people clamoring to get in on donating funds to help us bring this blessing to the world.”

Drummer, Turk Lee said, “I hear there are openings for rotating praise bands on the blimp. That’s like, so cool. Gotta try it, ya know?”


Program director Curtis Swift speculated, “If this ministry takes off, there will be satellite projects birthed in foreign lands with evangelical blimps embarking in "prayer cruises" over Muslim towns doing the same thing.  You can contact me if you have friends wanting in on that.”

20 August, 2008

Episcopal Church Considers Ordaining Straight Male Clergy

Newark, NJ - Representatives of the Episcopal Church USA announced on Monday plans to begin allowing the ordination of straight males within the denomination. The news was received with mixed results within the denomination, but many reacted favorably to the news.

"I personally think it's wonderful," said Rev. Patricia Lauden-Phat-Wilkenson. "It's important that our denomination be seen as one that welcomes people from all walks of life, even straight males. They're no different from any of us really. They just want to serve God, and who are we to say they cannot fulfill that calling because of their gender or sexual orientation."

But while some celebrated the news, others were disappointed in the announcement and are already planning to voice protests.

"It's despicable," said Rev. Allison Porter-House-Nichols. "Our denomination is going to the dogs. If they start allowing the ordination of straight males, who knows what they'll allow next, like freaks who use the Bible."

Porter-House-Nichols went on to further state that she plans to stage a 1 hour "hunger strike" this Friday evening at 11:00PM at her parish in Newark to protest the decision.

"We plan to let those in charge know that we're not pleased with this decision," she stated. "If we need to we'll plan as many of these 1 hour hunger strikes that we need to in order to get our point across."

19 August, 2008

Text Without Ceasing

DAYTONA, FL - Youth Pastor Chad Talbot of Oceanside Baptist Church has discovered an inventive way to get his youth to communicate much more frequently with God: texting. In fact the youth group's new slogan is simply, "TEXT WITHOUT CEASING!" (Click here for their inspiration.)

According to Chad, "I could tell that most kids in the youth were not spending much of any time in prayer. The truth is that the quiet nature of traditional prayer is just too slow, too silent, and too un-technological to appeal to this generation. Instead of complaining about that, I figured that we should go with it. Since every kid these days likes to text, why not encourage them to do so?"

Amy Phillips, a sixth-grader at Oceanside, told TBNN, "I text my friends all the time. Ever since my mom got me unlimited texting, I probably text my friends more than I actually talk to them. When Pastor Chad suggested that we text God, at first it seemed a little weird. But then after I did it a few times, it was great. Now I'm texting God at least ten times per day, which is way more than I ever used to think about Him."

Pastor Chad has laid out a few guidelines in the "TEXT WITHOUT CEASING!" program. He has suggested the following: First, when you text God, don't do it while talking with friends. Second, when you text God, don't cut Him off to take a call. Third, when you text God, make sure you have a signal. Fourth, when you text God, remember to thank Him once in a while."

Chandler Harris, age 14, said, "I enjoy texting God, but I do have a problem. I'm always telling Him about things I need, but I never seem to hear back from Him. I have a Blackberry Bold, so I can get e-mail, too. He never seems to want to tell me anything."

Pastor Chad has one final warning to his kids, "Above all else, when you text avoid using OMG!"

16 August, 2008

Lift This Song Up As Your Prayer

Daleside Baptist Church
August 13, 2008, 7:00pm
Wednesday Evening Prayer Services

[Pastor Johnson walks forward to the Pulpit]

Pastor Johnson: “Folks, I want to welcome you tonight to our Wednesday Night prayer service. Tonight, we are dedicating the entire service to prayer. Afterwards, I want to invite you to the Fellowship Center for a meal. I’ll now turn this prayer service over to the Deacons. Deacon Williams.”

[Pastor Johnson returns to the front pew]
[Head Deacon Williams approaches the microphone]


Head Deacon Williams: [praying gently] “Let us pray. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee, O Lord. For Thou are high above all the earth. Thou art worthy to be prayed to over all gods. For Thou, O Lord, art deserving of our prayer. Thou art worthy to be prayed to over all gods. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. O Lord. I pray to Thee. I’d just like to pray to Thee. I’d just like to pray to Thee O Lord. Just pray to Thee. O Lord. Just pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee, O Lord. For Thou are high above all the earth. Thou art worthy to be prayed to over all gods. For Thou, O Lord, art deserving of our prayer. Thou art worthy to be prayed to over all gods. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. O Lord. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee. I pray to Thee O Lord…. Engiesname. Amen.”

[several audible “Amen” voices heard around the church]
[Head Deacon Williams takes his seat]
[Deacon Gephard approaches the microphone]


Deacon Gephard: [praying gently] “Let us pray. I will pray to you with all of my heart. I will pray to you with all of my mind. I will pray to you with all of my strength. For you are my Lord. You are my Lord. More love. More power. More of you in my life. I will pray to you with all of my heart. I will pray to you with all of my mind. I will pray to you with all of my strength. For you are my Lord. You are my Lord. More love. More power. More of you in my life. I will pray to you with all of my heart. I will pray to you with all of my mind. I will pray to you with all of my strength. For you are my Lord. You are my Lord. More love. More power. More of you in my life. I will pray to you with all of my heart. I will pray to you with all of my mind. I will pray to you with all of my strength. For you are my Lord. You are my Lord. More love. More power. More of you in my life. I will pray to you with all of my heart. I will pray to you with all of my mind. I will pray to you with all of my strength. For you are my Lord. You are my Lord. More love. More power. More of you in my life. I will pray to you with all of my heart. I will pray to you with all of my mind. I will pray to you with all of my strength. For you are my Lord. You are my Lord. More love. More power. More of you in my life…. Engiesname. Amen.”

[several audible “Amen” voices heard around the church]
[Deacon Gephard returns to his pew]
[Sister Owensby approaches the microphone]


Sister Owensby: [praying gently] “Let us pray. I’m trading my sorrow. I’m trading my shame. I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord. I'll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen...

[several audible "Amen" voices heard throughout the church]

...Um… as I was saying … I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen I’ll say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’m trading my sickness. I’m trading my pain. I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen. I’ll pray yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord. Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord…….Engiesname. Amen.”

[a few audible “Amen” voices heard around the church]
[Sister Owensby returns to her pew]
[Brother Steve approaches the microphone]


Brother Steve: “Now, before we go, will you please rise for a closing chorus of the first 5 words of ‘This Little Light of Mine.”

[Everyone singing] “This…. Little…. Light…. Of…. Mine”

Brother Steve: “Everyone is now invited to the Fellowship Center where we will be serving a meal that all stomachs can handle. Grab your favorite jar of food in the cabinet as you walk towards the Fellowship Center. We have strained peas and carrots as well as applesauce. Raise your hand after you have been seated and a Deacon will be there shortly to place on your bib, fill your sippy cup with milk, and hand you a rubberized safety spoon.”

12 August, 2008

Tyndale Switches to the “Two Lifetimes Bible”

In light of the recent failure of The One Week Bible, Tyndale House Publishers has decided to take on another project that it hopes will be much more successful. Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz told TBNN, “After thinking this over for a few days, we now realize that we set the bar far too high. We made the mistake of expecting American Christians to actually read. Sadly, we are now willing to admit that most followers of Christ simply don’t read – and that includes the bible. Since we are a publishing house, we have to put forth books, but we can also lower our expectations. This is what we have done in our planned Two Lifetimes Bible.”

Tyndale’s new plan is to challenge readers to take two lifetimes to read through the bible one time. This takes the pressure off. For example, if someone buys the bible but then forgets to read any of it for a few months or years, it doesn’t really matter. After all, they have another full lifetime to get through it.

Jeremy Sanders, a member of Campus Crusade for Christ at the University of Texas, said, “I have to be honest. I was scared-off by Tyndale’s One Week Bible. A few guys on campus were going to try it, but I thought, ‘No way.’ That was way more than I could deal with. But then when I heard about the Two Lifetimes Bible I figured I could handle that."

As part of Tyndale’s new format, the bible will be both large in size and font. The reason for this is that it makes the reader feel like he has read a lot even if he just glances over a few verses. Also, having a really big bible around the house helps reduce a person’s guilt for not actually reading it.

Brooke Reese, layout editor at Tyndale, told TBNN, “Part of the purpose of this bible is to take away guilt. God didn’t intend for us to feel guilty – He wants us to be happy. This bible will help with that. You can just read a verse or two per week and you’ll feel great. And even if you never make it through, it’s O.K. You’ve always got that second lifetime to make up for it.”

Tyndale expects to release this new bible just before spring break 2009. According to V.P. Schultz, “We figure that more than a few Christian college students will like to purchase this bible just before they travel to places like Daytona or Miami to act like pagans for a week. Just knowing that this bible is waiting for them back home will soothe their consciences. Once home, they can read a verse or two and feel all better again. I think we’re going to have some really big sales. We hope this will cover our losses from the One Week Bible.”

09 August, 2008

Osteen May Intercept Favre

Houston, TX -- In what would be an unprecedented move, Joel Osteen revealed Friday that his team at Lakewood Church has submitted serious offers to the New York Jets in an effort to acquire Brett Favre.

Having already been traded once this week, Favre is probably not anxious to move again, but Joel Osteen may have an irresistible offer for him and the Jets.

Earlier this week, rumors surfaced of a bidding war between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the New York Jets to obtain Brett Favre from the Green Bay Packers. Favre, the only three-time MVP of the National Football League, never discussed the Osteen camp as a possibility.

Joel Osteen Ministries spokesmen feel they had a legitimate shot to obtain Favre from Green Bay, but their bids were completely ignored by the Packers. They now hope to convince the Jets to part ways with Favre before he gets too comfortable in New York.

Favre’s agent, James “Bus” Cook, did confirm to TBNN correspondent Elder Eric that Lakewood Church was on the list of those desiring to acquire Favre. “But I never called Osteen,” Cook admitted.

In an email to the Associated Press late Friday night, Joel Osteen explained his interest in Favre. “Unlike those guys in the frozen tundra, we still see a lot of potential in Brett,” said Osteen. “I have committed my life to helping every person, regardless of background and economic status, to achieve their fullest potential.”

On her way out of court on Friday, Victoria Osteen provided hints of the Lakewood Church interest when she told reporters, “Favre sure has demonstrated amazing ability to excite crowds on Sundays. I’ve never seen anyone else like him… except Joey, of course,” she added as she held close to Joel.

In TBNN interviews during the wee early hours of Saturday morning, Joel Osteen explained that another appealing feature of Favre is his ability to work on days other than Sunday. “We feel Brett's weekday evening work experiences may be useful in planning Monday night services. Thanksgiving afternoon services would also be an option.”

Osteen added, “Brett has performed in front of 60,000 live souls a week for 16-20 weeks a year during the last 16 years. I think with a little conditioning, we could get him to fill our smaller 40,000 capacity stadium for a longer duration of 30 or 40 Sunday afternoons per annum.

Osteen was asked what exactly Osteen Ministries could offer the Jets in exchange for Favre. Osteen chuckled and said, “Why Victoria, of course! She is quite the offensive player, and she has an amazingly powerful right arm. She’s willing to go to New York to quarterback the Jets if Brett can be convinced to co-pastor Lakewood in her place. Besides, our private airline allows her to travel without fear of confrontation.”

In the end though, the bottom line for Osteen Ministries is their willingness to help. “We believe we can help Brett by sharing the Osteen secrets of filling stadiums on a more regular, year round basis, not just on occasional days during the fall and winter months. We want to turn Brett into the ultimate stadium-packer.”

08 August, 2008

"The One Week Bible" Not Catching On

Carol Stream, Il - Tyndale House Publishers reported on Thursday that since the release of The One Week Bible three months ago sales have been "significantly less than expected." Sales reports for the first quarter show that a mere 13 copies have sold since The One Week Bible hit the shelves in May.

Many are already familiar with the popular One Year Bible, available in a variety of translations and conveniently divided into 365 daily readings taking approximately 30-35 minutes each, allowing the reader to steadily read through the whole Bible in a period of one year. But The One Week Bible is designed to be much more "intense," dividing the Bible into seven readings of roughly 10 hours and 20 minutes thus allowing a person to read the whole Bible in one week.

The idea for The One Week Bible was developed over the last year at Tyndale House. Various audio Bibles that have been released have shown that the Bible can be read through from beginning to end in about 72 hours. With this in mind Tyndale set out to release a Bible for people who wanted a more "intense reading" of Scripture. Tyndale first designed and test marketed The Three Day Bible, in which the Bible was conveniently divided into three "daily" readings of about 24 hours each, but the product was received rather poorly. Tyndale then began working on The One Week Bible hoping to attract a larger audience.

But now the extremely poor sales have become a major concern for Tyndale House. Having printed over 40,000 copies and having only sold 13, marketing directors are beginning to question whether or not the release of The One Week Bible was the wisest course of action.

"We knew going in that this was going to be for a particular market, but we weren't expecting sales to be this low," said Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz. "We're going to try and restructure some of our approaches to marketing and see what develops. Perhaps we need to target more specific audiences with, say, The One Week Women's Bible or The One Week Teen Extreme Bible."

06 August, 2008

Judge Accused of Judging Others

By Dr. Tom

Memphis, Tn - When he took office almost three months ago the Honorable Judge William Firth soon discovered that people in his church were not happy at all. Firth, a member of Crossroads Baptist Church, started getting dirty looks and cold, short responses when he talked to people on Sundays. No one seemed interested in coming over to his house anymore and he was politely told "no thank you" each time he offered to help with various church activities. Confused by the sudden cold shoulder, Firth tried a number of times in vain to find out why people had suddenly begun treating him so coldly.

"I tried to talk to people," said Firth. "I would ask people 'Have I done something to offend you?' and they'd just say 'No, everything's fine.' and would walk away. But I knew something was awry."

Firth finally was able to get some insight into what was going on when he approached Crossroads' pastor, Paul Van Eisdale, and asked him if he knew anything about the situation. Van Eisdale's answer came as nothing less than a shock.

"Pastor Paul sat down with me one afternoon and we had a talk," said Firth. "I said to him 'Pastor Paul, do you know any reason why people are being so cold and unfriendly towards me lately? It seems like the whole church is treating me this way and I can't for the life of me figure out why.' Well, he said to me 'William, I can tell you what it is. They're bothered by how judgmental you are. Ever since you were elected to office your whole job has been nothing but to sit around all day and judge others, and that bothers people.' I was dumbfounded. I told him 'But it's my job, I'm supposed to uphold the law of the land. All I do is look at what the law says and say honestly if a person is breaking it or not.' But he didn't seem to accept that answer. He just looked me in the eye and said 'William, the Bible says you're not supposed to judge others, and that's all your job is all day long, to judge others! As long as you go around being judgmental the people in this church aren't going to be very receptive of you.'"

Firth left the meeting confused and discouraged. He has since begun to evaluate whether he needs to resign from the bench or not.

"I suppose I'm having sort of a crisis here," said Firth. "My pastor says that we're not supposed to judge others, but that's my very job, to judge others. How can I stay in this position and call myself a Christian?"

05 August, 2008

Vatican Criticizes Episcopal Church for Being "Unbiblical"

ROME, ITALY - Pope Benedict XVI denounced the practices of the Episcopal Church (USA) this week by stating that they have strayed too far from scripture. In a move that shocked many because of its direct nature, the Pope said, "The Episcopal Church in the United States continues its practice of moving farther and farther away from what the bible teaches us. They act as if the holy scriptures have nothing to say about life and how we should live it. Now that they are openly ordaining gay bishops and ignoring the gospel message, what is left for them to ignore? The Episcopal Church is like a ship without a rudder. They have nowhere left to look for direction and guidance."

The Pope went on to say, "What Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori must do is lead the Episcopal church in a revival of studying the bible. They must ask themselves what the bible says, and then simply do it. They are in serious danger of straying so far from scripture that they will cease to be a church at all. They must be careful that their traditions do not get in the way of what the inspired word has to say even today."

In response, Bishop Schori said, "We understand the Pope's concerns. After all, we did make the mistake of breaking with Rome 500 years ago. However, what is done is done, and we are moving onward."

Schori continued, "Despite his good intentions, the Pope has made an assumption that is faulty. He assumes that a true church must follow scripture. What he must not yet understand is that the Episcopal Church has evolved to the point of no longer needing the bible. In fact, I don't even own one. We now gain our wisdom and understanding from higher forms such as our own minds, statues, crystals, stars and moons, and little blue men that inhabit the cellars of our church buildings. We have found this new, bible-free church life to be very liberating. I invite the Pope to try it sometime. He really needs to move past his fixation on the bible."

02 August, 2008

The Treasure Shed


El Pano, GA -- In the Sermon on the Mount, the Lord Jesus said, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal…”

So maybe you’ve read this passage and wondered like millions of others, “Just where exactly can I lay up my treasures on earth?”

Could there actually be a moth-free and rust-free way of storing treasure while also having no worries about theft? Well, the scripture theologians at Creflo Dollar Ministries have partnered with the handyman experts of Lowe’s to make a mark that cannot be erased.

“We’ve built something fabulous together,” said Dr. Creflo Dollar,

“It’s a solution for change and understanding life,” said Mark Hamilton, Lowe’s manager in El Pano, Georgia.

The Treasure Shed is the only answer for your earthly treasures. It’s the only moth-proof, rust-proof, and thief-proof shed on the market today. Each Treasure Shed is assembled by Lowe’s craftsmen and anointed by Dr. Dollar.**

“If you’ve already helped God to realize His will in your life through abundant wealth, why not do what Jesus suggests and properly protect your wealth from the harsh elements of the earth?,” asks Dollar.

The smaller 3 x 3 ft. Treasure Shed is just perfect for hoards of cash, diamonds, and old gold teeth.

The mid-sized 6 x 8 Treasure Shed can hold normal sized items such as racks of polyester suits, shelves of oversized wigs, and/or any golden thrones you currently have laying around.

Each 15 x 30 Treasure Shed is perfect for an extra Royles Royce.

The giant custom-made-to-order Treasure Shed is useful for much larger items, such as private planes.

“The Bible says that wealth is stored up for the righteous (Prov 13:22),” explains Dr. Dollar. “You’ve seized the wealth and riches that have come your way, so take the practical steps to store them up as the Bible says. Protect your treasures from Satan's three biggest weapons against your righteous treasures. Protect yourself against the moth, the rust, and the thief. Buy your Treasure Shed today!"

**Sometimes Dr. Dollar proxies are used.