31 July, 2008

TBNN On the Road

If any of you were wondering I failed to post yesterday because my family and I were flying. "To where were you flying Tom?" you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Right now we are in California. We flew into Oakland yesterday about noonish and we're finally getting to meet the good folks of Central Valley Presbyterian Church who have partnered with our family's ministry to Russia over this past year. The story of how we came into contact with CVP actually goes back to this very blog. Several months after I started TBNN I came into contact with a TBNN fan by the name of "Fletch." My first impression of Fletch was a picture of him standing in front of a big rock in Yosemite National Park with a Tominthebox t-shirt. Immediately I knew this guy was serious. Through Fletch we came to be associated with Central Valley Presbyterian Church, and here at last we we've been able to meet the people of the church.



So I encourage you to hop over and give Fletch's blog, The Mango Times, a visit.

29 July, 2008

Lost Sheep Looks for Shepherd

CAIRO, EGYPT - In a stunning discovery, archaeologists working near ancient Alexandria have come upon what appears to be a second century manuscript of Luke's gospel. This particular manuscript, which is in excellent condition, had been sitting in a clay jar in what appears to have been an old storage chamber under several levels of city streets.

Lead archaeologist Dr. Wilson Davies, professor of Middle Eastern history at Southern Methodist University, told TBNN, "We are very excited about this find. We believe it will shed light on what Luke was really trying to tell us so many years ago. The chapter 15 passage in particular is very interesting."

In most bibles Luke 15:4-5 reads something like this, ""What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing."

According to the archaeological team, this new manuscript reads differently. In Greek, it says in Luke 15:4-5: "What sheep of you when you are lost does not leave the open country and go after the shepherd until you find him? And when you have found him, you jump on his shoulders, rejoicing."

Dr. Davies defended the find by stating that the manuscript does not appear to have any tampering and appears authentic. According to Davies, "This manuscript just lends further support to our Wesleyan-Methodist theology at SMU. Ever since John Wesley himself, we have believed that it is man who chooses God. This manuscript, which could be a copy of the original writing of Luke himself, supports our beliefs. It is now clear that the sheep searches for the shepherd instead of the shepherd searching for the sheep."

28 July, 2008

Todd Bentley Study Bible Set for Release

Lakeland, Fl - Charismatic and controversial evangelist Todd Bentley announced on Sunday the up-and-coming release of the Todd Bentley Shaka-Laka-Bam Fresh Fire Kick You in the Face Lakeland Revival Study Bible. For months since the beginning of the so-called "revival" led by Bentley in Lakeland many have criticized his methods and message as being unbiblical. But with the release of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB, Bentley promises that everything will be made clear.

"There are so many out there who are criticizing my work here, which is the work of God of course," said Bentley. "They point to passages here and there, and they totally forget the fact that God talks to me directly, therefore I get extra stuff that's not in the regular Bible, and people should just accept that what I say is true and from God. So what I've done here is put together my own version of the Bible with my own writings, therefore we can say that what we're doing down here is 'Biblical' and no one can question it."

TBNN was able to obtain a copy of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB. One verse includes Bentley's own version of the "Great Commission."

"Behold, all authority is given to you in heaven and on earth, go therefore into all the world and beat the living snot out of people in my name, kicking old ladies in the face, tackling Filipinos until their teeth pop out, and kneeing people in the stomach, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Shaka-laka-bam!" - The Gospel According to Bentley 23:4

The TBSLBFFKYFLRSB is expected to go on sale by the end of the week during Bentley's "revival" meetings for $149.95. Each paperback copy will supposedly "heal any sickness or disease."

26 July, 2008

Man Lays All on the Altar, Woman Surrenders All

Hawthorn, MO -- The official greeting time was long past. The worship songs had been sung, and the projector bulb was cold by now. Handraising had ended about the time of the offertory. Offerings had already been counted and placed by the tellers in the safe during the sermon. The sermon went over, lasting almost a full 25 minutes.

When it was time for the Invitation, Brother Alfred Newson, the now retired music minister, came forward to lead in Just As I Am as he had every Sunday for the last 42 years. How many verses would he feel led to do today?

It was during the third verse that revival broke out. A woman came forward and said she wanted to surrender her all today. Her husband followed her and said he wanted to lay his all on the altar.

TBNN interviewed Pastor Carter over the phone. "I've never seen anything like it. No one has ever done this before. It didn't know it was even possible for someone to surrender their all or lay their all on the altar. But it really did happened. I'll admit that this may be the only possible way to do it."




25 July, 2008

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

  • Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
  • The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
  • The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
  • The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.
There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans. 

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.

24 July, 2008

Okay...I'm Back

Well folks, I can only stay gone so long. It's been nice having a break to just focus on some other work, but I'll be honest, I've really started to miss it.

Today I came across a video on Youtube that I thought would be a great way to get things going again. Let me give you a little background.

I'm a big "fan" of Dr. James White, director of Alpha and Omega Ministries. Dr. White has been blessed by God with a mind to figure out all kinds of wonderful things in order to be able to refute error. He's what I call "crazy smart" and has probably forgotten more than I'll ever know. Well, anyhoo, several months ago Dr. White posted a rebuttal to some outrageous claims by KJV-Only/conspiracy theorist/preacher Texe Marrs. Dr. White's rebuttals were clear, concise and, best of all, correct. Now along comes this guy on Youtube who goes by the name of "calciumboy" and posts a response to Dr. White's video. I don't have time here to explain all of the nuances of calciumboy's manners of apologetical expression, but suffice it to say that he's a bit...ahem...odd, comparing Dr. White to Hitler simply because he filmed his video in a library. Well, I couldn't resist. One evening I decided to make a short parody video of calciumboy. Lo, and behold I discovered today that Dr. White referenced that video in one of his own videos!

So knowing that Dr. White actually reads and knows about our blog encourages me to continue doing what we're doing here. Dr. White if you're reading this, thank you for the props. I hope to meet you someday.

21 July, 2008

Authentic Teen VBS Draws Hundreds

PORTLAND, ME - When it comes to Vacation Bible School (VBS), the members of Free Grace Community Fellowship know how to attract teens. They discovered this year that the one overarching key is to make the experience authentic.

Youth Pastor Chad Simms told TBNN, "In years past at VBS we used to ask the teens to listen to bible stories, sing boring songs, act out bible-based skits, and serve the Portland community in various ways. Almost nobody above age 11 came to our VBS. Because of that, this year we decided to shake things up a lot. Based on a fellowship-wide survey of our youth, we created a VBS specifically aimed at kids 13-18. We had great success."

Amanda Young, a 14-year-old at Free Grace, said, "At first I gave almost no thought of attending VBS. I thought it was for babies. Then when Pastor Chad told us what we'd be doing, I told him to count me in. My experience at VBS was a great one. It was so much like real life at my middle school. I'm already looking forward to VBS next year."

The Free Grace VBS youth schedule of activities looked like this:

5:30 - 6:00 Listening to iPod
6:00 - 6:30 Gossiping
6:30 - 7:00 Complaining
7:00 - 7:30 Texting
7:30 - 8:00 Eating junk food
8:00 - 8:30 Sitting bored
8:30 - 9:00 Dissing

Pastor Chad informed us that in comparison to last year's VBS, this year's drew several hundred to the fellowship. "We are so excited that this many young people attended. They might not have heard much about Jesus or the bible, but they at least got used to being here in our fellowship. Who knows? Maybe they will eventually turn to God and this VBS will be one of the reasons."

19 July, 2008

Bring A Bible To Church Day: A Clarification

Baxton, OH -- FBC Baxton would like to clarify the meaning of its recent online calendar entry, Bring A Bible To Church Day, set for this Sunday, July 20, 2008.

Confusion was obvious within the first hour of emailing the weekly newsletter last Monday, which included a link to the calendar. At least 5 people contacted Pastor Rokestern expressing concern about whether the church's internet was down or if the projector bulbs were on back order. Many volunteered their services to help, if needed, with any problems.

Throughout the week, more questions came in as members expressed an interest in the idea of bringing a Bible (even wishing to participate in the novel event) but were simply confused as to what qualified as a Bible. Was an electronic Bible acceptable? What about an Amazon Kindle?

Still others wondered if the email referred solely to a full length paper Bible in book form. One individual was curious if a book that is considered equivalent to the Bible is sufficient. What about the Prayer of Jabez or At Parbar Westward?

To reduce confusion, FBC Baxton released the following clarifying statement on Friday afternoon: “Whereas our ancestors sung Standing on the Promises, and whereas they believed God’s promises are contained in the Bible, and whereas we want to be High and Lifted Up: we therefore would like you to bring a Bible (or equivalent, e.g. Your Best Life Now) to church Sunday to stand upon during the worship service. Please bring as many Bibles as you can so you can reach a higher level of worship."

17 July, 2008

Double Dipping

New York, New York-- [Following George’s baptismal service, Timmy walks up to the platform and begins a conversation with George.]

Timmy: What are you doing?

George: What?

Timmy: Did you just double dip?

George: Excuse me?

Timmy: You just double dipped?

George: Double dipped? What, what, what are you talking about?

Timmy: You were baptized a few years ago, weren’t you?

George: Yeah

Timmy: And you were just baptized again today?

George: Yeah

Timmy: Then you double dipped! You dipped in the baptismal. You back-slid… and you dipped again. Don’t you know you’re supposed to take one dip, and end it?

[George turns toward the baptismal and begins to descend into the water on his own yet again. Timmy grabs George’s arm.]

Timmy: Get out of that baptismal!

[An all-out brawl breaks out between George and Timmy.]

15 July, 2008

Climbers Discover KJV on Mount Ararat

TURKEY - In a discovery that has long been expected by some, but is inconceivable to most, a group of climbers recently discovered a copy of the King James Bible within remains of Noah's Ark.

Expedition leader Dr. Kyle Richardson, who is a part-time professor at Pensacola Christian College, told TBNN, "We had been planning this climb for over a year, hoping to come across wooden remains of Noah's Ark. When we found several very old planks on the north face of the mountain, near the summit, we thought we had found what we were looking for. After a closer inspection, we knew we were right. For example, several of the planks had pictures carved into them of various forms of animals that are now extinct. Also, there were eight names carved in the wood, presumably those of Noah, his wife, his sons, and his sons' wives."

Fellow climber Wendy Richardson, wife of Kyle, explained their greatest discovery. According to Wendy, "As we were carefully looking under a few of the wooden planks, we came across something that we did not expect. Inside a small wooden compartment, we found a near-perfect copy of the King James Bible. Based on where we found it, we have concluded that this bible was actually the one used by Noah during the flood so many years ago. The more we think about it now, the more sense it makes."

Although several Old and New Testament experts have raised serious questions about how a KJV could have possibly been on the ark, others are thrilled about the discovery. For example, Dr. Henry Beeth, professor of New Testament at Bob Jones University, said, "The discovery of the KJV among the remains of Noah's ark confirms what we have always known to be true. God actually first revealed himself in the KJV, long before either the Hebrew or Greek. The writers of the Hebrew Old Testament and Greek New Testament actually translated into their languages from the KJV. In 1611, the translators of the KJV were just going back to the original. We know some folks can't figure out the KJV, but this discovery just proves that it still stands as the perfectly revealed Word of God."

12 July, 2008

Fear Immunization Clinics

Pale City, GA-- Walking the aisle, praying the prayer, and the ordinance of baptism are scary encounters for most young children. For older teens fears of Hell can arise if an inconsiderate adult causes them to doubt their childhood salvation actions. Well, a new initiative has been designed to take away these fears forever.

As part of Initiative: Prayer of Acceptance Rightly Trains Youth, Level 1 and Level 2 inoculations will be provided free of charge at the FBC Pale City Clinic during the week of July 21st – 25th from 9:00am until noon. “It’s fun to refer to the programs using immunizations terminology,” said Sharon Worthford, Head Nurse of FBC Pale City. “It’s not as confrontational as some of those other summer programs that contain the word Bible. The wording also reminds parents that this is something really important that the kids really need to do while they’re young.”

Level 1 Inoculation Clinics are designed to get kids to walk the aisle, pray the prayer, and get baptized in a friendly group, pool party, fear-free setting. The entire scene plays out at the pool. “We form a line, sort of like an aisle, to the small diving board. Kids get on their knees at the end of the board and fold their hands. Finally, each kid holds a white cloth over his own nose and falls forward into the pool when the “Doctor” (a/k/a Pastor Robbins) gives the inoculation signal.” Nurses assist children out of the pool to a drying area where the pastor signs their Bible with a syringe-shaped pen and applies a timestamp of the instant they dove into the pool.

Level 2 Inoculation Clinics are designed to remove the doubt and fear from all those who are uncertain of their salvation. “We want to eradicate the chance that a child will listen to the Devil in the future and doubt their salvation," said Worthford. "No child should ever be allowed to doubt that they are on the road to Heaven." Children who are already saved should be inoculated against those unbiblical fears.” Those children who have already written a Prayer of Acceptance date in their Bible should bring this proof of Hell insurance, including any baptismal records, to prevent the staff from double dipping. The “Doctor” will stamp their Bibles with a specially designed “rededication” stamp.

Level 1 and Level 2 Clinics run concurrently. No appointment is needed during participating days and hours. There is no charge to the parent or guardian for the Prayer of Acceptance booklets. Clinics should reduce, and in some cases, eliminate many childhood fears of church rituals, hell, and low self-esteem that routinely destroy or harm a child’s personal image of himself during his youth years. No immunization program is 100% effective, so FBC Pale City nurses ask that you keep a close watch on your children in the future. At the first sign of fear, bring them back for another round of immunizations.

08 July, 2008

California Court Recognizes Heterosexual Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning decision that will have ramifications throughout the nation, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco recognized both the existence and the right of heterosexual marriage.

Judge Felix Evans, writing for the majority, said, "Although society gains much more benefit from homosexual than heterosexual marriage, it nonetheless remains the right of heterosexuals to marry if they decide to do so. This court is in no way promoting heterosexual marriage, but rather simply recognizing the reality of it. The California Constitution nowhere yet bans the right of heterosexuals to marry."

Dissenting judge Harriett Black wrote, "When we begin to say that just anyone can marry, what will come next? If heterosexuals are allowed this privilege, the next thing we'll see is a man marrying his dog, three people wanting to marry, or an orange and an apple getting engaged. As a court we have overstepped our own authority when we say that anyone other than homosexuals has the right to marry."

All sixteen heterosexuals still living in San Francisco secretly applauded the decision.

The entire faculty and student body at nearby University of California Berkeley protested the court's ruling by taking a pledge to only marry single-celled organisms.

06 July, 2008

Hiatus

Ah, yes, it's the word every faithful reader of a blog loves to hear..."hiatus." I'm back in the States right now with my family until August 15th, and over the course of the next 5 weeks we're going to be all over the country. In addition, I'll have to admit, the creative juices of satire just haven't been flowing as well as I'd like them to lately, so it's time for an extended break. So until about early to mid-August I won't be "boxing" here on M, W,Th & F. As far as I know Elder Eric and Brother Slawson will continue to post on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and they may even choose to throw in some extra days there along the way. I'll still be reading their posts and even possibly making comments along the way.

Until then,
-Tom

05 July, 2008

Man Sues Pastor for Pain, Suffering, and Lost Time

Walter Stetson spent nearly 25 years in prison. Well not in an actual prison, but in a prison of sorts. Stetson was baptized by Pastor Jonathan MacPiper after walking the aisle in June of 1981 as a 15 year old. After dedicating his life to Jesus, He was told he could not willfully partake in earthly sins. "I worked hard at this. I was really good all through high school and all through my 20s and 30s."

Stetson stands to win just over $2,000,000, or about $10 per hour that he spent in prison-- if he prevails this week. The following statements are taken from Stetson vs. MacPiper:

After discovering last year that I was lost all along, I decided to become really saved the third Sunday in January of 2008 after a very moving sermon on abortion. A week or two later when I was striving to be good during a bachelor party at my friend’s house, it dawned on me just how many activities I had unnecessarily missed during the prime years of my life.

For two and a half decades, I could have had the pleasure and be forgiven now too… now that I’m really saved. For the last few months I continually get these sick feelings in the pit of my stomach. I can’t stop thinking of all the pain and suffering I went through during all those “goodie two shoes” years.

Now that I am truly saved, I’ve forever lost my opportunity to participate in many blatantly sinful acts. I know I don’t want to participate in those activities. But that’s not the point. The lawsuit just involves one issue… the previously lost earthly pleasure. It’s gone forever.

I was trying to live like a Christian, but I realize now that I wasn't one. I was deceived by Pastor MacPiper. I withheld from all sorts of evil unnecessarily. I missed out on alcohol fellowships, dancing, cursing, and lusting. I withheld all the time, had depression, weight loss, and acid reflux. Once my intestines became inflamed from not partaking in alcohol-based wine.

I will never be able to get those years back. Now that I’m really saved, those activities are lost forever. I know there is grace and all that, but I don’t really want to take advantage of that now. How would that look? It’s depressing.
All those years, I saw so many of my friends enjoying their nights out and their women with short hair, while I remained single. Now they are married and settled down with children. I followed Pastor MacPiper’s advice that “bodily exercise profiteth little.” I never met any women and now that I’m 45, bald, and husky, the only women available to me are the ones who look like me.

I could have sowed my wild oats, but instead, I was reading all about my purpose driven life and trying to become a better me. I am nauseous now just thinking about it.

01 July, 2008

Caner Declares Jihad on Doctrines of Grace

Ergun Caner, head of Liberty Theological Seminary, shocked even the fundamentalist wing of the Southern Baptist Convention last Sunday when he declared jihad against the Doctrines of Grace.

While preaching at Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, VA, Caner reportedly said, "We have been soft for too long on these Calvinist infidels. They are, after all, worse than Muslims. We must take the fight straight to their core - straight to the Doctrines of Grace themselves. Let us purify our convention of these usurpers."

Caner continued his "sermon" by outlining the process by which the SBC will be expunged of the Doctrines of Grace. "We will follow a simple five-step process:

First, those heroes who oppose the heretical doctrines will gain, by whatever measure is necessary, positions of power and authority in the convention.

Second, we will warn all SBC churches not to hire Calvinists.

Third, we will tell all Calvinists that they have a moral imperative to tell churches if they are, in fact, Calvinists.

Fourth, we will hold many conferences designed to annihilate the Doctrines of Grace.

Fifth, we will frequently toilet-paper Al Mohler's house."

At the conclusion of the sermon, Caner was reportedly shot out of a canon, bounced off a trampoline, and landed on the back of a waiting camel. After wrapping a turban on his head, he departed stage left singing We Shall Overcome.

Several hundred spectators immediately came forward to accept Jesus into their hearts.