31 July, 2008
So I encourage you to hop over and give Fletch's blog, The Mango Times, a visit.
29 July, 2008
Lead archaeologist Dr. Wilson Davies, professor of Middle Eastern history at Southern Methodist University, told TBNN, "We are very excited about this find. We believe it will shed light on what Luke was really trying to tell us so many years ago. The chapter 15 passage in particular is very interesting."
In most bibles Luke 15:4-5 reads something like this, ""What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing."
According to the archaeological team, this new manuscript reads differently. In Greek, it says in Luke 15:4-5: "What sheep of you when you are lost does not leave the open country and go after the shepherd until you find him? And when you have found him, you jump on his shoulders, rejoicing."
Dr. Davies defended the find by stating that the manuscript does not appear to have any tampering and appears authentic. According to Davies, "This manuscript just lends further support to our Wesleyan-Methodist theology at SMU. Ever since John Wesley himself, we have believed that it is man who chooses God. This manuscript, which could be a copy of the original writing of Luke himself, supports our beliefs. It is now clear that the sheep searches for the shepherd instead of the shepherd searching for the sheep."
28 July, 2008
"There are so many out there who are criticizing my work here, which is the work of God of course," said Bentley. "They point to passages here and there, and they totally forget the fact that God talks to me directly, therefore I get extra stuff that's not in the regular Bible, and people should just accept that what I say is true and from God. So what I've done here is put together my own version of the Bible with my own writings, therefore we can say that what we're doing down here is 'Biblical' and no one can question it."
TBNN was able to obtain a copy of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB. One verse includes Bentley's own version of the "Great Commission."
"Behold, all authority is given to you in heaven and on earth, go therefore into all the world and beat the living snot out of people in my name, kicking old ladies in the face, tackling Filipinos until their teeth pop out, and kneeing people in the stomach, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Shaka-laka-bam!" - The Gospel According to Bentley 23:4
The TBSLBFFKYFLRSB is expected to go on sale by the end of the week during Bentley's "revival" meetings for $149.95. Each paperback copy will supposedly "heal any sickness or disease."
26 July, 2008
25 July, 2008
"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."
But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.
- Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
- The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
- The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
- The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.
The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.
24 July, 2008
Today I came across a video on Youtube that I thought would be a great way to get things going again. Let me give you a little background.
I'm a big "fan" of Dr. James White, director of Alpha and Omega Ministries. Dr. White has been blessed by God with a mind to figure out all kinds of wonderful things in order to be able to refute error. He's what I call "crazy smart" and has probably forgotten more than I'll ever know. Well, anyhoo, several months ago Dr. White posted a rebuttal to some outrageous claims by KJV-Only/conspiracy theorist/preacher Texe Marrs. Dr. White's rebuttals were clear, concise and, best of all, correct. Now along comes this guy on Youtube who goes by the name of "calciumboy" and posts a response to Dr. White's video. I don't have time here to explain all of the nuances of calciumboy's manners of apologetical expression, but suffice it to say that he's a bit...ahem...odd, comparing Dr. White to Hitler simply because he filmed his video in a library. Well, I couldn't resist. One evening I decided to make a short parody video of calciumboy. Lo, and behold I discovered today that Dr. White referenced that video in one of his own videos!
So knowing that Dr. White actually reads and knows about our blog encourages me to continue doing what we're doing here. Dr. White if you're reading this, thank you for the props. I hope to meet you someday.
21 July, 2008
Youth Pastor Chad Simms told TBNN, "In years past at VBS we used to ask the teens to listen to bible stories, sing boring songs, act out bible-based skits, and serve the Portland community in various ways. Almost nobody above age 11 came to our VBS. Because of that, this year we decided to shake things up a lot. Based on a fellowship-wide survey of our youth, we created a VBS specifically aimed at kids 13-18. We had great success."
Amanda Young, a 14-year-old at Free Grace, said, "At first I gave almost no thought of attending VBS. I thought it was for babies. Then when Pastor Chad told us what we'd be doing, I told him to count me in. My experience at VBS was a great one. It was so much like real life at my middle school. I'm already looking forward to VBS next year."
The Free Grace VBS youth schedule of activities looked like this:
5:30 - 6:00 Listening to iPod
6:00 - 6:30 Gossiping
6:30 - 7:00 Complaining
7:00 - 7:30 Texting
7:30 - 8:00 Eating junk food
8:00 - 8:30 Sitting bored
8:30 - 9:00 Dissing
Pastor Chad informed us that in comparison to last year's VBS, this year's drew several hundred to the fellowship. "We are so excited that this many young people attended. They might not have heard much about Jesus or the bible, but they at least got used to being here in our fellowship. Who knows? Maybe they will eventually turn to God and this VBS will be one of the reasons."
19 July, 2008
Confusion was obvious within the first hour of emailing the weekly newsletter last Monday, which included a link to the calendar. At least 5 people contacted Pastor Rokestern expressing concern about whether the church's internet was down or if the projector bulbs were on back order. Many volunteered their services to help, if needed, with any problems.
Throughout the week, more questions came in as members expressed an interest in the idea of bringing a Bible (even wishing to participate in the novel event) but were simply confused as to what qualified as a Bible. Was an electronic Bible acceptable? What about an Amazon Kindle?
Still others wondered if the email referred solely to a full length paper Bible in book form. One individual was curious if a book that is considered equivalent to the Bible is sufficient. What about the Prayer of Jabez or At Parbar Westward?
To reduce confusion, FBC Baxton released the following clarifying statement on Friday afternoon: “Whereas our ancestors sung Standing on the Promises, and whereas they believed God’s promises are contained in the Bible, and whereas we want to be High and Lifted Up: we therefore would like you to bring a Bible (or equivalent, e.g. Your Best Life Now) to church Sunday to stand upon during the worship service. Please bring as many Bibles as you can so you can reach a higher level of worship."
17 July, 2008
Timmy: What are you doing?
Timmy: Did you just double dip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You just double dipped?
George: Double dipped? What, what, what are you talking about?
Timmy: You were baptized a few years ago, weren’t you?
Timmy: And you were just baptized again today?
Timmy: Then you double dipped! You dipped in the baptismal. You back-slid… and you dipped again. Don’t you know you’re supposed to take one dip, and end it?
[George turns toward the baptismal and begins to descend into the water on his own yet again. Timmy grabs George’s arm.]
Timmy: Get out of that baptismal!
[An all-out brawl breaks out between George and Timmy.]
15 July, 2008
Expedition leader Dr. Kyle Richardson, who is a part-time professor at Pensacola Christian College, told TBNN, "We had been planning this climb for over a year, hoping to come across wooden remains of Noah's Ark. When we found several very old planks on the north face of the mountain, near the summit, we thought we had found what we were looking for. After a closer inspection, we knew we were right. For example, several of the planks had pictures carved into them of various forms of animals that are now extinct. Also, there were eight names carved in the wood, presumably those of Noah, his wife, his sons, and his sons' wives."
Fellow climber Wendy Richardson, wife of Kyle, explained their greatest discovery. According to Wendy, "As we were carefully looking under a few of the wooden planks, we came across something that we did not expect. Inside a small wooden compartment, we found a near-perfect copy of the King James Bible. Based on where we found it, we have concluded that this bible was actually the one used by Noah during the flood so many years ago. The more we think about it now, the more sense it makes."
Although several Old and New Testament experts have raised serious questions about how a KJV could have possibly been on the ark, others are thrilled about the discovery. For example, Dr. Henry Beeth, professor of New Testament at Bob Jones University, said, "The discovery of the KJV among the remains of Noah's ark confirms what we have always known to be true. God actually first revealed himself in the KJV, long before either the Hebrew or Greek. The writers of the Hebrew Old Testament and Greek New Testament actually translated into their languages from the KJV. In 1611, the translators of the KJV were just going back to the original. We know some folks can't figure out the KJV, but this discovery just proves that it still stands as the perfectly revealed Word of God."
12 July, 2008
As part of Initiative: Prayer of Acceptance Rightly Trains Youth, Level 1 and Level 2 inoculations will be provided free of charge at the FBC Pale City Clinic during the week of July 21st – 25th from 9:00am until noon. “It’s fun to refer to the programs using immunizations terminology,” said Sharon Worthford, Head Nurse of FBC Pale City. “It’s not as confrontational as some of those other summer programs that contain the word Bible. The wording also reminds parents that this is something really important that the kids really need to do while they’re young.”
Level 1 Inoculation Clinics are designed to get kids to walk the aisle, pray the prayer, and get baptized in a friendly group, pool party, fear-free setting. The entire scene plays out at the pool. “We form a line, sort of like an aisle, to the small diving board. Kids get on their knees at the end of the board and fold their hands. Finally, each kid holds a white cloth over his own nose and falls forward into the pool when the “Doctor” (a/k/a Pastor Robbins) gives the inoculation signal.” Nurses assist children out of the pool to a drying area where the pastor signs their Bible with a syringe-shaped pen and applies a timestamp of the instant they dove into the pool.
Level 2 Inoculation Clinics are designed to remove the doubt and fear from all those who are uncertain of their salvation. “We want to eradicate the chance that a child will listen to the Devil in the future and doubt their salvation," said Worthford. "No child should ever be allowed to doubt that they are on the road to Heaven." Children who are already saved should be inoculated against those unbiblical fears.” Those children who have already written a Prayer of Acceptance date in their Bible should bring this proof of Hell insurance, including any baptismal records, to prevent the staff from double dipping. The “Doctor” will stamp their Bibles with a specially designed “rededication” stamp.
Level 1 and Level 2 Clinics run concurrently. No appointment is needed during participating days and hours. There is no charge to the parent or guardian for the Prayer of Acceptance booklets. Clinics should reduce, and in some cases, eliminate many childhood fears of church rituals, hell, and low self-esteem that routinely destroy or harm a child’s personal image of himself during his youth years. No immunization program is 100% effective, so FBC Pale City nurses ask that you keep a close watch on your children in the future. At the first sign of fear, bring them back for another round of immunizations.
08 July, 2008
Judge Felix Evans, writing for the majority, said, "Although society gains much more benefit from homosexual than heterosexual marriage, it nonetheless remains the right of heterosexuals to marry if they decide to do so. This court is in no way promoting heterosexual marriage, but rather simply recognizing the reality of it. The California Constitution nowhere yet bans the right of heterosexuals to marry."
Dissenting judge Harriett Black wrote, "When we begin to say that just anyone can marry, what will come next? If heterosexuals are allowed this privilege, the next thing we'll see is a man marrying his dog, three people wanting to marry, or an orange and an apple getting engaged. As a court we have overstepped our own authority when we say that anyone other than homosexuals has the right to marry."
All sixteen heterosexuals still living in San Francisco secretly applauded the decision.
The entire faculty and student body at nearby University of California Berkeley protested the court's ruling by taking a pledge to only marry single-celled organisms.
06 July, 2008
05 July, 2008
After discovering last year that I was lost all along, I decided to become really saved the third Sunday in January of 2008 after a very moving sermon on abortion. A week or two later when I was striving to be good during a bachelor party at my friend’s house, it dawned on me just how many activities I had unnecessarily missed during the prime years of my life.
For two and a half decades, I could have had the pleasure and be forgiven now too… now that I’m really saved. For the last few months I continually get these sick feelings in the pit of my stomach. I can’t stop thinking of all the pain and suffering I went through during all those “goodie two shoes” years.
Now that I am truly saved, I’ve forever lost my opportunity to participate in many blatantly sinful acts. I know I don’t want to participate in those activities. But that’s not the point. The lawsuit just involves one issue… the previously lost earthly pleasure. It’s gone forever.
I was trying to live like a Christian, but I realize now that I wasn't one. I was deceived by Pastor MacPiper. I withheld from all sorts of evil unnecessarily. I missed out on alcohol fellowships, dancing, cursing, and lusting. I withheld all the time, had depression, weight loss, and acid reflux. Once my intestines became inflamed from not partaking in alcohol-based wine.
I will never be able to get those years back. Now that I’m really saved, those activities are lost forever. I know there is grace and all that, but I don’t really want to take advantage of that now. How would that look? It’s depressing.
I could have sowed my wild oats, but instead, I was reading all about my purpose driven life and trying to become a better me. I am nauseous now just thinking about it.
01 July, 2008
While preaching at Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, VA, Caner reportedly said, "We have been soft for too long on these Calvinist infidels. They are, after all, worse than Muslims. We must take the fight straight to their core - straight to the Doctrines of Grace themselves. Let us purify our convention of these usurpers."
Caner continued his "sermon" by outlining the process by which the SBC will be expunged of the Doctrines of Grace. "We will follow a simple five-step process:
First, those heroes who oppose the heretical doctrines will gain, by whatever measure is necessary, positions of power and authority in the convention.
Second, we will warn all SBC churches not to hire Calvinists.
Third, we will tell all Calvinists that they have a moral imperative to tell churches if they are, in fact, Calvinists.
Fourth, we will hold many conferences designed to annihilate the Doctrines of Grace.
Fifth, we will frequently toilet-paper Al Mohler's house."
At the conclusion of the sermon, Caner was reportedly shot out of a canon, bounced off a trampoline, and landed on the back of a waiting camel. After wrapping a turban on his head, he departed stage left singing We Shall Overcome.
Several hundred spectators immediately came forward to accept Jesus into their hearts.