06 December, 2008

Cleaning Out The Closet Before Christmas

I have a list of potential news stories that I store in my Possible News Stories Closet (okay, it's actually a Word file). If I think I have a good idea during the week, I open the file and toss in a headline or even a partial story. Then, on Friday night or Saturday morning, I open this Possible News Stories Closet, retrieve a headline or partially written story, and then attempt to complete it for publication.

As I stare into the Closet this morning, there is a bunch of junk in here that I really need to throw out. I don't think I'm ever going to use it. Many of these things seemed really funny at the time. All of the things I'm tossing out are things that I don't want to use anymore. I am not developing some of these simply because I don't feel that I'm capable of gimping an adequate photo.

I'm committed to tossing out 10 things. The ideas are not fully developed, that's why they were still in the closet. But you may be able to see where I was going. In any case, as I clean out the closet, maybe there is something in these partially developed thoughts and stories that you can use.

1. The Syncretism Hymn Book
Hindu, Muslim, Jews, and Christian join together for a book of songs in which all can freely sing without loss of conviction. Christian contributions include: In the Secret; Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord; You Are Worthy of My Praise

2. Missouri Pastor Asked to Take Sabbatical Over Texas Comments
This story had to do with BCS Bowl rankings when Missouri and Texas may have had a chance.

3. Robert's Rules of Order Now Contains "I Prayed About it Motion"
The "I Prayed About It" motion takes precedence over all other motions. It preempts any rule or bylaw of the church. It calls for an immediate vote regardless of other discussion. Note: I felt this may be too narrow for those who haven't been exposed to Robert. I went with the "I Prayed About It Cards" instead. Those of you who attend a lot of business meetings may appreciate this thought.

4. The Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar
In an effort to reverse recent drops in tithes and offerings, prosperity preachers have teamed up to raise funds with the Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar. "We are willing to expose ourselves for money."

5. Church Splits Over "3 Uh-Huhs"
The church youth group was so happy when 14 year old Marci Williams helped 4 year old Laci Johnson accept Jesus in her heart between the Ramblin Rocky Road Snack Shack and the Rickshaw Racetrack during the “Best of the Past” VBS this summer. All was going well. The Women’s Hand Dance Team joined together and baptized Laci the following Sunday.
On July XXX, however, at the regularly scheduled monthly business meeting, someone questioned whether Laci really understood what she was doing when she answered the ABC questions. As it turns out, Marci said Laci did answer every question on the ABC card as Marci read them. However, when Marci relayed the story, she said, “Laci answered ‘uh-huh’ to every question.” “Marci has stuck to this story,” said XXX. “If Marci said Laci said ‘uh-huh’ then she did just that.” Ms. XXX questioned what “uh-huh” meant. “Are we sure that Laci didn’t say ungh-uh?”

6. The Reservation
Peter at the Gate: Do you have a reservation?
Jerry: Yes, I walked the aisle and made a profession and was baptized.
Peter at the Gate: I’m sorry Jerry. But I don’t see that you were saved anywhere in the system.
Jerry: I don’t understand. Do you show where I had my Bible signed?
Peter at the Gate: Yes, we do, unfortunately, you’re not saved.
Jerry: But, I had a reservation. You’re supposed to have a spot for me.
Peter at the Gate: I know what a reservation is.
Jerry: I don’t think you do… because if you did… I’d have a spot. See, your representatives know how to take the reservation. They just don’t know how to HOLD the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

7. The Ummm Church
Church renames itself to the Ummm Church so as not to give glory to any particular thing. "We didn't want to unnecessarily glorify the town name or the lay of the land."

8. Correction: SBC Did Not Cannonize Robert's Rules of Order
The accusations are false. "We have not, and never will canonize Robert's Rules of Order. The next edition of the HCSB will only contain an abbreviated Robert's Rules of Order as an appendix after the book of Maps."

9. Student Fails Out of RTS, Graduates with High Honors from Liberty University

10. Conversationopoly: A Sunday School Game
Take over an entire conversation. Only those in power can speak. You can only speak if you have built up power within the game. The goal: to take over the entire conversation. You choose the direction people can go. You choose the topic. If you change the topic, those with less power have to stick to your topic. You control the game by grabbing the dice. No need to wait or be nice. There are no rules. Simply obtain the dice any way you can. Grab, wrestle, kick, bite, slap, punch, whatever. You have the dice? You choose the topic. Some people may get up and walk away, choosing not to participate in such random, rude rules. But that’s good for those remaining. The winner is the last one talking.

Ahhhh... it feels good to toss some things out.


AspiringTheologian said...

#1 could have been interesting, and #7 seems like classic Tom in the Box humor. I'm not sure about the rest.

Amanda said...

I also like the first one, or some variation of it (worship songs turned into love songs or vice versa).

stemcd said...

I'll have to check which version of Robert's Rules we're using, because I'm sure I've seen that motion before (#3)!

jj said...

#3 could also be the "I've got peace about it" motion. I've heard that one a LOT.

Andrew said...

#9 should be changed to "Graduates from Hyles Anderson with three doctorate degrees"