04 October, 2008

We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday

A Book Review-- Okay. So you missed church last Sunday? Now you’d like to return and worship the Lord, but you know you are going to have to explain to at least 3-9 folks why you were not in church last week. You pull into the parking lot. You park. You take a deep breath. You open the car door.

There she is… Mrs. Arnder. She approaches you and says “We missed you last Sunday.” Of course, you can tell by the inflection and questioning in her voice that she really is saying, “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod. What can you do?

Then he approaches… Mr. Davis. He asks, “Have you been okay?” Of course, you can tell by the timing and non-concern in his voice that he is really saying “I noticed you were not here last Sunday” and simultaneously asking, “Where were you?” Regardless, you nod again. What can you do?

If this happens to you often and you wish you had something to say in response, you need We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday. It gives you in depth details of how to answer those "Where were you?" questions that have been masked with stealth questions from hypocritical Christians. If you are a sincere Christian who wants to do the right thing, We Missed You: A Book For Those Who Skipped Church Last Sunday encourages you to always assume those asking the questions are Christians. The book encourages you to consider that the questioner maybe sincerely concerned.

Using Christianity as a premise, how could you have acted differently? We Missed You gives you a plan of action. For example, here is an excerpt from Chapter 1: “We missed you last Sunday”...

  • When asked this surface question, start out by looking the individual in the eye in a real sincere, heartfelt, understanding way. Consider that this individual is honestly telling you that you were missed. This should not cause you to begin spewing forth all sorts of excuses about why were you out. Instead, such a statement, if taken to heart, should cause you to feel great joy that someone has missed you. If someone missed you, your first thoughts should be “Awwwww, you missed me? You missed little ole me? Me? You truly missed me?” Well, if you are able to bring yourself to the point to think such questions, the next step is to go ahead and ask these questions out loud. Make sure to use an appreciative, humbled, and honored voice. But don’t stop there. Let the feeling of being missed overtake you. Meditate in the thought that you were missed. You were not there last Sunday. You are here now. Once you become overwhelmed in this emotional thought, add your physical self to the mix and wrap yourself around the questioner who missed you. Do not let the questioner go until she knows that you are really truly here right now. Take your arms and fasten them around this kind human who has expressed sorrow at the memory of not having been in your presence last week. It is your duty to give her the comfort and assurance that she will not have to suffer the coming week with the thought of having missed you this Sunday. Make sure she truly remembers that she was able to encounter you today. Do so by not stopping at a simple hug. Take the hug to a full 7 second squeeze. Add words. As you count in your mind toward seven (ever mindful that this very person missed you last week) around second #3, I suggest that you give a very loud, very sincere, very heartfelt, “I missed you too. How sweet of you to say!” Really let the emotion come out in your voice. Do not rush the statement. The person must remember every word. The hug, together with the words, will most likely resound in the questioner for at least the rest of the week. After the 7 second hug, just watch the reaction. You take it from there.
  • Note: try to remember if the person used the precise words “We missed you” and not the personal “I missed you.” If "we" was used, now is the appropriate time to ask who the others were that missed you so you can reassure them also.
Chapter 2: "Have You Been OK?" gives you "recollection pointers" to enable you to comfortably discuss the details of your entire week non-stop for 10 minutes. With the "recollection pointers" of We Missed You, you may be surprised how the the minutia of your life will continually flow off of your tongue effortlessly. By simultaneously thinking, speaking, as well as gesturing in symphonic cohesion, the concerned questioner will have an overwhelming sense that you are, indeed, okay. He may even have peace of mind about your okay-ness for weeks to come.

We Missed You contains 26 potential scenarios to enable you to skip every other Sunday with the confidence that, in no time, your skipping will never be brought into question (at least not to your face.)


Jeff said...

THIS is genious... no more creating excuses or being made to feel guilty or out of the loop...

The beauty of it is that even those with perfect attendance records could benefit from the "recollection pointers"... lengthy daitribes on their illnesses and hardships every week...

come to think of it I think I know an older couple who has read this book...


Jonathan said...


...sorry, I'm better now.

A masterpiece, truly beautiful.

Because everyone knows that when someone asks you 'How are you?', they really want to know.

Keep it up!


fresnel said...

Yes, okay. I see this book really answering some questions I've felt awkward about for some time but I'm going to try it because I love Tom in The Box and I really really believe, just as I should.

My only question is not in the book even though I've memorized everything now so I'm hoping you will be able to give me wise discernment. Okay, here goes. What if it's someone who's kind of far away, like recently someone called to me from across the parking lot. It was Elder Barns and he was walking, kind of striding really fast sideways to me and I could tell he was going somewhere. Anyway, Elder Barns gave me a hearty wave and called out, "Fresnel, we missed you last Sunday!"


I just had this enormous pleasureful excitement just well up from somewhere deep within, you know? And I remembered my book, which I was carrying with me. And I remembered what I was supposed to do. And I rushed to Elder Barns without another word. And boy was he starting to look surprised when I got close! And then I just engulfed him with the biggest,, heartiest, wonderfulest, longest hug of Christian brotherly fellowship for that full slow count to seven. But then something happened I had not anticipated.

At about the second or maybe it was the third one, Elder Barns began to well, he definitely wasn't hugging back. It was more like he was unhugging me, if that makes sense. And then at about the fifth second, he was like, distinctly trying to peel me off of him but it was hard because I really had him, you know? And then, since me feet were both off the ground, he started walking sort of as best he could in the direction he had been walking while still pushing on me in various places. So, my line, "I missed you, too, Elder Barns...!" came out kind of jostley. And I fell down when I let go at the end of my hug and he didn't really stop to help me up; he just sort of, vanished really fast and that made me feel bad because he was saying something important to me but he was facing away and moving quickly so I missed it. It's okay though because I'll ask him this coming Sunday.

Anyway, my question is, what about if someone seems to be in a hurry like Elder Barns was? Would it be okay to do everything like in the book but twice as fast and twice as hard? Or if they're realllllly in a hurry, maybe even four times quicker and harder? I'm pretty strong you know, but I'm thinking that since it's in the Lord and all, maybe that would be okay. What do you think?

Amy said...

Ha ha ha! Love this post!
Tom, I actually "heard" about your blogpage from Jim Lehmer.

Today (10/5/08), I actually just posted a blog entitled "When Someone Asks "How is your Walk?" and is a satirical view of that question.

Your post here is a great "answer" to mine.

I'm glad to have been referred to your blogpage and am looking forward to reading more here.

By the way, please feel free to "drop by" my blogpage, read some of my posts, leave comments, and if you could even add me to your RSS Feeds and Blogroll!!


~Amy :)

Mark Main said...

Hilarious! Love your sarcasm. Just stumbled across your blog, but it is bookmarked now.

Jim Pemberton said...

Love the comment, fresnel!

I would go the other way and propose a book for socially needy church members who desire the awkward 7-second or longer hugs to secretly distribute these among people at their church and make sure to ask them about when they don't show up - or even if everything is okay when they are just a few minutes late.

=j= said...

omigoodness, you are hilarious! i'm so glad you touched on this "relevant" issue that we all face as christians...love it!