06 October, 2008

Government Asks Lakewood for Bailout Help

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week the federal government voted to bailout the credit mess in the United States. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. This week, however, things look different.

The reason for the problem is simple. Not only is the United States deep in debt, but the federal government itself has access to far less than the $700 billion it has promised. In fact, right now the feds only have $35.75 in the bank.

Because of that, the U.S. House of Representatives, led by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, has asked for help in bailing out the faltering economy. TBNN has learned that on Sunday Pelosi asked the wealthiest organization in America to help. Rather than call on Microsoft, which ranks second, Pelosi called Lakewood Church, the wealthiest non-governmental organization in the United States.

Pastor Joel Osteen admitted to being somewhat surprised by the phone call. "I always preach that if you believe in God, He will show you favor. That is what He has done for us. But I never thought we would have the opportunity to help our country like this. For many churches, $700 billion might seem like a lot of money, but for us it's not that big of a deal. In fact, that's about half of what my Christmas bonus will be this year."

According to tax records, Lakewood Church's net worth stands between 2.2 and 2.3 trillion dollars. Some of that money comes directly from tithes and offerings, but most of it is revenue from Pastor Osteen's popular books: Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You.

Osteen admitted to TBNN, "Ever since we stopped using the bible at Lakewood, our congregation has quadrupled in size. Instead of looking into the scriptures, which can be so easily misinterpreted, we simply use my books. Since everyone in our church is required to buy them, that brings in a lot of money. Also, because many churches want to get big like us, they are copying what we do - even purchasing my books."

Osteen added that Lakewood was happy to help out the government just as long as Speaker Pelosi held up her end of the bargain: the feds will repay the $700 billion at a 13% interest rate.

Said Osteen, "With all that interest money piling in, we'll be able to buy another big building - maybe the Astrodome. I hear it's vacant."

7 comments:

fresnel said...

The borrower is servant to the lender. What an exciting picture--the USA serving the Body of Christ (well, its dandruff anyway)...

AspiringTheologian said...

I hear Osteen is coming out with a book on dating, divorce, and relationships. It is called "Your Best Wife Now."

Chris said...

"Osteen admitted to TBNN, 'Ever since we stopped using the bible at Lakewood, our congregation has quadrupled in size.'"

CLASSIC!!

jamey w. said...

This has got to be one of my favorite TBNN pieces. :)

The "Best Teeth Now" and the 10/40 window bit were good, too. The trouble with the 10/40 window one is that it's spot on. Osteen's Americana sorta steals its thunder.

FrodoSaves said...

I hear the reason the Fed only has $35 right now is that they made the mistake of publishing Pastor Osteen's less successful first book, "How to Con Your Flock". Word is it failed because its contents were already considered common knowledge by ordained clergy across the country.

Darrin said...

Frodo, you've really got your finger on the pulse of evangelicalism. Good to see you're not duped by anyone.

wanderer said...

They actually have $35? They're doing better than I thought they were...