ROME, ITALY - Pope Benedict XVI denounced the practices of the Episcopal Church (USA) this week by stating that they have strayed too far from scripture. In a move that shocked many because of its direct nature, the Pope said, "The Episcopal Church in the United States continues its practice of moving farther and farther away from what the bible teaches us. They act as if the holy scriptures have nothing to say about life and how we should live it. Now that they are openly ordaining gay bishops and ignoring the gospel message, what is left for them to ignore? The Episcopal Church is like a ship without a rudder. They have nowhere left to look for direction and guidance."
The Pope went on to say, "What Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori must do is lead the Episcopal church in a revival of studying the bible. They must ask themselves what the bible says, and then simply do it. They are in serious danger of straying so far from scripture that they will cease to be a church at all. They must be careful that their traditions do not get in the way of what the inspired word has to say even today."
In response, Bishop Schori said, "We understand the Pope's concerns. After all, we did make the mistake of breaking with Rome 500 years ago. However, what is done is done, and we are moving onward."
Schori continued, "Despite his good intentions, the Pope has made an assumption that is faulty. He assumes that a true church must follow scripture. What he must not yet understand is that the Episcopal Church has evolved to the point of no longer needing the bible. In fact, I don't even own one. We now gain our wisdom and understanding from higher forms such as our own minds, statues, crystals, stars and moons, and little blue men that inhabit the cellars of our church buildings. We have found this new, bible-free church life to be very liberating. I invite the Pope to try it sometime. He really needs to move past his fixation on the bible."