12 July, 2008

Fear Immunization Clinics

Pale City, GA-- Walking the aisle, praying the prayer, and the ordinance of baptism are scary encounters for most young children. For older teens fears of Hell can arise if an inconsiderate adult causes them to doubt their childhood salvation actions. Well, a new initiative has been designed to take away these fears forever.

As part of Initiative: Prayer of Acceptance Rightly Trains Youth, Level 1 and Level 2 inoculations will be provided free of charge at the FBC Pale City Clinic during the week of July 21st – 25th from 9:00am until noon. “It’s fun to refer to the programs using immunizations terminology,” said Sharon Worthford, Head Nurse of FBC Pale City. “It’s not as confrontational as some of those other summer programs that contain the word Bible. The wording also reminds parents that this is something really important that the kids really need to do while they’re young.”

Level 1 Inoculation Clinics are designed to get kids to walk the aisle, pray the prayer, and get baptized in a friendly group, pool party, fear-free setting. The entire scene plays out at the pool. “We form a line, sort of like an aisle, to the small diving board. Kids get on their knees at the end of the board and fold their hands. Finally, each kid holds a white cloth over his own nose and falls forward into the pool when the “Doctor” (a/k/a Pastor Robbins) gives the inoculation signal.” Nurses assist children out of the pool to a drying area where the pastor signs their Bible with a syringe-shaped pen and applies a timestamp of the instant they dove into the pool.

Level 2 Inoculation Clinics are designed to remove the doubt and fear from all those who are uncertain of their salvation. “We want to eradicate the chance that a child will listen to the Devil in the future and doubt their salvation," said Worthford. "No child should ever be allowed to doubt that they are on the road to Heaven." Children who are already saved should be inoculated against those unbiblical fears.” Those children who have already written a Prayer of Acceptance date in their Bible should bring this proof of Hell insurance, including any baptismal records, to prevent the staff from double dipping. The “Doctor” will stamp their Bibles with a specially designed “rededication” stamp.

Level 1 and Level 2 Clinics run concurrently. No appointment is needed during participating days and hours. There is no charge to the parent or guardian for the Prayer of Acceptance booklets. Clinics should reduce, and in some cases, eliminate many childhood fears of church rituals, hell, and low self-esteem that routinely destroy or harm a child’s personal image of himself during his youth years. No immunization program is 100% effective, so FBC Pale City nurses ask that you keep a close watch on your children in the future. At the first sign of fear, bring them back for another round of immunizations.


iohannes fac totum said...

This is absolutely rich! It's not true, is it?

Chris said...

Good thing I got my fear shot, I'm headed out to get a prostitute!

"What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!" (Romans 6:1,2a ESV)

Ironically, those who quote Romans 6:14b "you are not under law but under grace" (ESV) to justify clear patterns of rebellion seem to forget the next verse that immediately follows: "Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!" (ESV)

Context, context, context!!!