01 July, 2008

Caner Declares Jihad on Doctrines of Grace

Ergun Caner, head of Liberty Theological Seminary, shocked even the fundamentalist wing of the Southern Baptist Convention last Sunday when he declared jihad against the Doctrines of Grace.

While preaching at Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, VA, Caner reportedly said, "We have been soft for too long on these Calvinist infidels. They are, after all, worse than Muslims. We must take the fight straight to their core - straight to the Doctrines of Grace themselves. Let us purify our convention of these usurpers."

Caner continued his "sermon" by outlining the process by which the SBC will be expunged of the Doctrines of Grace. "We will follow a simple five-step process:

First, those heroes who oppose the heretical doctrines will gain, by whatever measure is necessary, positions of power and authority in the convention.

Second, we will warn all SBC churches not to hire Calvinists.

Third, we will tell all Calvinists that they have a moral imperative to tell churches if they are, in fact, Calvinists.

Fourth, we will hold many conferences designed to annihilate the Doctrines of Grace.

Fifth, we will frequently toilet-paper Al Mohler's house."

At the conclusion of the sermon, Caner was reportedly shot out of a canon, bounced off a trampoline, and landed on the back of a waiting camel. After wrapping a turban on his head, he departed stage left singing We Shall Overcome.

Several hundred spectators immediately came forward to accept Jesus into their hearts.

4 comments:

Darrin said...

Good, Eric, but is this old news? I think they've already covered steps 1-4. Not sure about the t.p.
If these don't work they'll have to move to other weapons of grace destruction. Thankfully no such weapons are really effectual.

Eric said...

Darrin,

You're right. They have already covered points 1-4. That's where the danger lies. Most of what they want to do in the convention has already happened.

Thank God for what He is doing at Southern Seminary.

I also thank Him that a faithful teaching of His word, verse by verse, always points to His amazing grace and complete sovereignty.

Richard said...

Dang.


Have I mentioned yet that I'm transferring from my current seminary to LBTS? I'm not gonna be able to look at Dr. Caner in the eye without laughing at him, haha.

Casey said...

WOW. Great post! I wasn't laughing until the last few paragraphs...but then, I erupted. This guy is a piece of work - hyperbole isn't even necessary (but sure is funny!).