08 July, 2008

California Court Recognizes Heterosexual Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning decision that will have ramifications throughout the nation, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco recognized both the existence and the right of heterosexual marriage.

Judge Felix Evans, writing for the majority, said, "Although society gains much more benefit from homosexual than heterosexual marriage, it nonetheless remains the right of heterosexuals to marry if they decide to do so. This court is in no way promoting heterosexual marriage, but rather simply recognizing the reality of it. The California Constitution nowhere yet bans the right of heterosexuals to marry."

Dissenting judge Harriett Black wrote, "When we begin to say that just anyone can marry, what will come next? If heterosexuals are allowed this privilege, the next thing we'll see is a man marrying his dog, three people wanting to marry, or an orange and an apple getting engaged. As a court we have overstepped our own authority when we say that anyone other than homosexuals has the right to marry."

All sixteen heterosexuals still living in San Francisco secretly applauded the decision.

The entire faculty and student body at nearby University of California Berkeley protested the court's ruling by taking a pledge to only marry single-celled organisms.

9 comments:

Meshaay said...

Haha!!

Quintin said...

Excellent!

Jeff said...

That would be funny if it wasn't so scary...

nate said...

As one of those 16:

*applauding said decision*

Us said...

funny. I went to Cal.It made me a stronger Christian. we arent all nuts. SOme us are slightly damaged, but nothing a good detox of John Piper and the Bible after graduation cant fix.

Jonathan said...

"...all sixteen heterosexuals still living in San Francisco secretly applauded the decision."

beautiful!

Stefan said...

You guys are back in true form!

"The California Constitution nowhere yet bans the right of heterosexuals to marry."

Key word there, "yet." It's only a matter of time before someone brings a complaint to a human rights commission, complaining that the act of heterosexual marriage is offensive.

That said, may God have mercy on us all for our sins.

Jim Pemberton said...

In other related news, the heads of Hc Moffitt, San Francisco General and Kaiser Permanente Hospitals met to discuss the possibility of opening a maternity ward in San Francisco since the last one closed ten years ago.

Sicarii said...

What a great decision! Now all we need to do is get them to allow these heterosexual couples to reproduce under strict environmentally-safe rules. We don't need children to speed up global warming, do we?