31 May, 2008

You Might Be A Calvinist


Atlanta, Georgia -- Note: TBNN is pleased to have Jeff Foxworthy as Saturday Morning's guest writer.

Jeff: I'm happy to fill in to today for Brother Slawson.

You know, between Lakewood and Lynchburg, there's over 30 million people who I'd call "my people." Many of these folks are Calvinists, they just don't know it. I've designed for today a few little test questions to help you determine if there is a large likelihood that you are a Calvinist. So, if sitting in a tub full of scissors sounds more appealing to you than listening to a Sunday School class share their personal gut feelings about a Bible verse, you are a good candidate.

If you have a Martin Luther Jell-O mold, you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child’s first word was “Westminster”, you just might be a Calvinist.

Or, if you send your mother tulips on Mother’s Day,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If you still remember the 8 speakers in order from the recent T4G conference, or

If a free Bible has ever arrived in the mail to you from John McArthur, or

If you have ever purchased 100 or more copies of the same John Piper book to hand out to random people you meet,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons, or

If you were shocked to just discover that some people download MP3 files that are not sermons, or

If you have adjusted the default passage setting at www.biblegateway.org from “NIV” to “ESV”

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your preacher says to turn to Obadiah and you do not use the index, or

If you think a 50-minute sermon is too short, or

If you’ve ever heard a wave of groans sweep through Sunday School when you refer to Romans 9,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you find yourself talking to the Lord Jesus more than to your family, and

If you find yourself wanting to read your Bible instead of watching television, and

If quotes from Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Piper, and McArthur pop into your head at random times during the day

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you are confused when someone uses the term “my Bible” as if they only have one, and

If your Bibles must be replaced in less than a year due to pages separating from the spine, and

If you smile, nod and hold your tongue with your teeth after a lively church service when someone says, “God showed up today”

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever shouted “YES!” when the pastor says to turn to 1st Thessalonians, and

If you see 6:37 on a digital clock and think of the Lord Jesus’ words in John, and

If you’ve muted a Thanksgiving football game because it’s interfering with your family discussion of Ephesians 1

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you have bookmarked three or more preachers’ scripture index webpages, and

If you’ve ever been banned from a Sunday School class for quoting scripture, and

If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your kids own more Bibles than televisions, and

If your children never ask you “Where are we going?” on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, and

If you’ve ever read parts of “The Bondage of the Will” to children under ten and prayed that it would change their lives

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child received detention at his Christian school after shouting, “But I am a Hedonist Pyromaniac!” or

If your children argue and you require them to listen to a Piper Sermon as punishment, or

If you visit pyromaniacs, tominthebox, spurgeon.org, desiringgod.org, and gty.org, more than once a day, yes…

You just might…. I say you just might…. Yes… you just might be a Calvinist

27 comments:

Amanda said...

Well, that settles it: seeing as I've done most of the stuff on the list, I'm definitely a Calvinist!

PaPaMarc said...

If you have ever taught your 4 year old grandson what the word propitiation means...

MarieP said...

Whoa...that's so true it's scary! Especially the digital clock thing... :-o

And if you look at 3:16 on a digital clock and feel the same sense of gratitude, you might be a Calvinist no longer in the cage stage!

If you are in the doctor's waiting room and your friend says, "Hey, why don't we read your Checkbook?"

If you ever have found yourself thinking "My pastor's sermon was particularly Spurgeonesque this morning"

If eating pork reminds you of Acts 10 and then leads to contemplating the glories of the New Covenant in Christ

If you read your books' Table of Contents for edification and conviction

If you purposefully read a book to be convicted

If you wonder how many people will scratch their heads when you go out witnessing and tell them you are from the "REFORMED Baptist Church"

If you are trying to reserve the term "awesome" for God and His deeds alone, and you have accountability partners to help you with it

If the psalter selection "How Shall the Young Direct Thy Way" is precious to you

If you find yourself whistling "Wondrous King All Glorious" as you walk down the street

If you feel the urge to start whistling "A Mighty Fortress" as you walk past the local Catholic high-school

If you comment on a blog knowing that somehow that your pastor will run across it

If you are scratching your head wondering which one of the men you call "my pastor" will read it

...you might be a Calvinist.

MarieP said...

If a wedding is not truly beautiful to you unless the Gospel is preached

...you might be a Calvinist.

Colin said...

Oh, my....those are hilarious. :-D Classic!

Y'all might enjoy a bunch of similar lists here: http://jollyblogger.typepad.com/jollyblogger/2005/06/you_might_be_a_.html

Brian said...

Be sure to check Purgatorio's essential posts on you might be "Hyper" if, and the one you might be emergent if is great as well.

The ESV comment was great as well!

Anya said...

And if you understood this list and now can't quit smiling, you are probably a Calvinist.

TobyBo said...

and... if it warms the cockles of your heart to see your teen has added to this list... you are probably a Calvinist.

Colin said...

Well, seeing as I recently "reformed" my Bible Gateway preferences, I must be a Calvinist.

rhettsrants said...

If the theological (and satirical) articles on your blog has ever lead to you being berated by a deacon's board and to your subsequent resignation...

;)

rhettsrants said...

btw,

I could never punish my kids by making them listen to Piper. They might like that too much. I'd use an Ergun Caner sermon instead...

Anika Q said...

My dad started reading "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" to me at age 9.

Seriously. :-)

I think he might just be a Calvinist....

---

And about holding your tongue with your teeth....that is so true. :-)

radarparaphrase said...

If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

Love it!

I have had some of these discussions and read some of these books with my 9 year old.

Recently, she made me so proud. She stood toe to toe with three classmates and insisted that only God can create something from nothing. They said what about an artist - her reply was that God had created the canvas, the paint, and especially the artist!

GUNNY said...

Multiple infractions, but this I found particularly funny: "If you have adjusted the default passage setting at www.biblegateway.org from “NIV” to “ESV”"

Of course, I am certainly guilty of the Bondage of the Will with the young uns.

pilgrim said...

"If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

… you might be a Calvinist."

I've done that!
Although sometimes I'm actually changing the words back to what they used to be, before an Arminian changed them.

Peter Kirk said...

Hey, these aren't all Calvinist things! I've known plenty of Arminian charismatic Todd Bentley lovers who "think a 50-minute sermon is too short" and "talk[] to the Lord Jesus more than to [their] family". And they are certainly into the alarm clock verse thing, even if they have to sleep rather late (or early, but they don't do that!) to catch favourite verses like (Romans) 10:13.

Brother Slawson said...

I don't know Peter. The test is pretty accurate. Sometimes we label ourselves incorrectly. You just "might" be a Calvinist.

Chris Latch said...

If your library is worth more than your car - and none of your books are sold at LifeWay - you might be a Calvinist.

If you actually see all the members of your church every week, you might be a Calvinist.

If you've ever taught a Sunday School class on 'who really killed Jesus' you might be a Calvinist.

Highland Host said...

"If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons"

So true. The only MP3 files NOT sermons I have downloaded are: The Dividing line, the White Horse Inn, Iron Sharpens Iron, the Preterist Podcast and the Gary DeMar show. Oh, and Al Mohler, of course.

Andrew Randazzo said...

Sounds like an overall reformist to me. Count me in. :)

Billy Birch said...

If burning your toast makes you think about Servetus, you might be a Calvinist . . .

Oh! That one made my day! Hilarious.

Brother Slawson said...

If you liked this article, you may like a couple of minutes of the podcast for Monday, June 9th, during the second hour of Way of the Master Radio starting (starting at about 4 minutes into the podcast).

http://www.wayofthemasterradio.com/podcast/2008/06/09/june-09-2008-hour-2/

Penn Tomassetti said...

This made me laugh so hard: "If a free Bible has ever arrived in the mail to you from John McArthur, or

If you have ever purchased 100 or more copies of the same John Piper book to hand out to random people you meet,"

You must be a Charismatic Calvinist, because this is supernatural knowledge :-)

Joseph Louthan said...

Would this count:

If your response to your kid asking, "Am I a good boy?" was you teaching him the doctrine of the depravity of man and including Romans 3:10-12, you might be a Calvinist.

That is what happened to me. That is how my son came to know and trust in Christ as His Savior and Lord.

Charlie J. Ray said...

You might be a hyper-Calvinist if you think John Piper is a closet Arminian:)

discipleman1967 said...

If you go to your bookshelf to read one of your many John MacArthur books only to discover that your 14 year old son has 3 or 4 of them in his bedroom that he is reading... you might be a Calvinist!

Derek Beselt said...

This is excellent folks. I gotta tell you, that I'm very new to this and would have never called myself a calvinist a year ago. I've been considering it for some time and I just want to tell someone the real joy I find in this. I've heard stories about how Calvinism sucks the life out of Christianity, I've seldom felt more loved by God than what I'm learning.