24 May, 2008

New Test Your Church Kits

New from the Discernment Experts is the patent-pending Test Your Church Kit.

Does your church care about you? No, not just with lip service. We do not mean with emails or newsletters; not in those superficial senses. We mean, does your church (including your pastor, your deacons, your church leaders, and the members of Sunday School) really truly care?

Do you get a peculiar feeling behind your right ear on occasion? You know, like a bad vibe when you try to greet your pastor? Does he get that certain look in his eyes as if he does not honestly want to see you right now? Do you sense coldness in his voice during phone conversations? Or worse, do you feel confident that the pastor is using his caller ID to avoid your calls?

Are you concerned that no one would visit if you were in the hospital? Would anyone care? Were the birthday cards from your deacon printed on high-quality paper or purchased in a pack? Did you enter the church with a sad look on your face last Sunday and end up leaving with no one having asked you what was wrong?

If these questions pop into your head often, it is probably no coincidence that you have been led to this ad today. Perhaps you have attempted to find honest answers to these questions. Perhaps you have even asked your pastor if anything is wrong only to hear him respond unemotionally with something like “everything’s fine.” Perhaps you know things are not fine, but you cannot prove it... well... not on your own that is. At least not until you order your very own Test Your Church Kit from Discernment Experts.

The folks at Discernment Experts have the discernment expertise that will enable you to answer these and many other questions. Why not let the folks at Discernment Experts help you find the answers?

We have the knowledge: All members of the Discernment Expert’s team have read the Bible through at least 6 times.

We have the expertise: All members of the Discernment Expert’s team have successfully removed at least one unbiblical pastor from their congregation.

We have the time: All members of the Discernment Expert’s team have a 1-900 number and are available to you 24/7.

The Test Your Church Kit includes:

· A DVD that explains everything in your Test Your Church Kit.

· A 30 page workbook for recording 1 month’s worth of raw test results.

· A pocket sized voice recorder so you can immediately record your thoughts on the way home after church.

· Scripted voice messages that you can leave on your Pastor’s or Deacon’s voicemail to test them.

· A stopwatch to see how quickly your Pastor or Deacon responds.

· Your personal logon and password for 24/7 access to the Discernment ExpertsTest Your Church website.

· Downloadable email messages for you to send to members of your Sunday School class directly from our website. We’ll track the response times for you.

· Step-by-Step instructions for how your relatives (visiting from out of town) can help with your testing by acting as if they are local visitors.

· A Quick-Start Guide of 10 things you can start doing today to get immediate answers, including (1) The Simulated Stranded Vehicle Test--let the air out of a tire on the interstate entrance ramp, and (2) The Simulated Emergency Room Visit—call your deacon and wait in the emergency room until you see someone from the church. Then act as if you were just leaving.

· For longer experiments, try the Skip Church for One Month and See Who Notices routine.

Look for Test Your Church Kits in Lifeway stores beginning in early June. Retail price $99.99.

If you enjoy the Test Your Church Kit, keep your eyes open for the Test Your Spouse Kite, Test Your Kids Kit, and the Test Your Parents Kit in time for Christmas. Look next summer for the early-detection Earnest Pastor Tests (EPT). Know the earliest possible moment if your pastor is lying.


Alice C. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alice C. said...

How smart of the Discernment guys to mass-produce and so cleverly market something that people have been using/doing for many years. Now all those churchgoers can order the handy kit! Having grown up as an MK, and then married a pastor, I have been on the receiving end of this lovely little game. It ain't no fun.

mhgood said...

"For longer experiments, try the Skip Church for One Month and See Who Notices routine."

Wow, my husband and I did that after we lost our first child. No one called. So we found a new church.

radarparaphrase said...

Spot on! Lovely kit for folks to buy. I think the pastors might like a mind reading kit marketed for pastoral use. When everyone puts on their church face, it can be hard telling who needs contact. Instead, we can hear later that we should have known somehow.

Jim Pemberton said...

This has been a serious spiritual issue for many churches and it doesn't take many with this attitude to kill a church.

We are either ministers or we expect to be ministered to. In the Body of Christ, we are to be ministers first. That means that if we do something like "Skip Church for One Month and See Who Notices" and no one notices, the church needs ministry. That's precisely when we need to throw ourselves into the ministry of the church and wake people up. Only after every effort to reform the church fails should we then decide to find a healthy congregation elsewhere and get about the business of taking the gospel out to people instead of only ministering inwardly.

BTW, I'd love to see the Test Your Spouse Kite.