03 May, 2008

Adopt a Pew, KJV Control

The Adopt a Pew Volunteer Program is a national KJV awareness program where concerned citizens volunteer to pick up KJVs off of Pews and other church areas. Last year, more than 70 churches participated in removing the KJV litter in US Churches saving approximately 750 souls from exposure to KJVs.

The Adopt a Pew KJV Control Program started in 2006 with approximately 10 churches. In 2007, there was a 7 fold increase. We believe all churches in Rhode Island are now completely KJV free.

A wide variety of groups may participate, including children, youth, AWANA, Sunday Schools, the elderly, and even entire families.

Simply contact the district office in your area to become involved with the Adopt a Pew KJV Control Program. The office will provide you with a permit form to complete and submit to the appropriate district office. Be sure to retain a copy of the form for your records.

What We Provide for Volunteers
· Available pews and sections for volunteer groups based on safety considerations, including ladies with blue hair, the times “just” is used in a prayer on average, average speed of departure from church, length of pew, and number of communion cup holders.

· Fabricate and install brass plates on the end of the pews to identify the group responsible for KJV removal on the pew.

· Provide safety training for group coordinators, including APKJVC safety vests (which must returned).

What Volunteers Must Provide
· A one-year commitment to pick up any KJV in or along particular segments of the church, especially the sanctuary.

· A commitment to pick up the litter at least once a week or as designated by the district engineer.

· Complete a waiver form signed by each person participating in the KJV clean up event.

· Hold a safety briefing before each service.

· Maintain a working group of at least 1 person per 100 linear pew feet.

· Complete the Activity Report detailing the clean up activities. The report indicates the minutes worked, the number of participants, and the number of bags of trash removed.

Safety Procedures
Participants should assemble in the lobby of a church and use one garbage can or recycling container to reduce the number of cans at the liter pickup site.

Safety vests must be worn by all participants at all times during cleanup activities.
KJV pick up shall not be performed within arm’s length of any person who prays using old English words (such as “Thy” or “Thou”).

Litter pickup can be expanded to include the aisles and walkways, but only if the APKJVC permit specifically includes the aisles and walkways.

Remember, removing a very worn KJV can be dangerous. Pages may accidentally fall out and get into the hands of our precious children.


Richard Boyce said...

I don't mind a chuckle at the KJVO camp, but this seemed openly antagonistic towards anyone using it, KJV-only or not.

Stephen said...

I agree with Richard. I love you blog but, something about this post just feels like it went a little too far. I am definitely not KJVO but, it is still the word of God just like the other versions.

Devout Hypocrite said...

Maybe I'm not reading this entry right...but I thought it was kinda mocking the OPPOSITE of the KJV-only people, the militant "KJV is outdated and must be replaced with the relevance of The Message" types. They're out there!

Team Tominthebox News Network said...

Richard and Stephen,

Yeah, I think y'all missed the point. You have to remember this is satire, and sometimes satire demonstrates absurdity by being absurd. "Devout Hypocrite" got it right.

Brother Slawson said...

I do want to apologize to those I have offended. I was seeking a more pragmatic way of dealing with the KJV problem. I considered my modest proposal a rather swift method of dealing with the issue.

Robin said...

I agree with "Devout Hypocrite" that it seemed to be making fun of those who go overboard with being anti-KJV. It kind of showed what the "logical end" was; I took the point as being that it's a little crazy to start objecting to blue haired ladies who love their Bible, no matter what version it is. Edgy satire, I'll agree, but maybe it's because we're used to laughing at others, not ourselves. I thought it was funny!

Jim Pemberton said...

I just want to know what provisions are made for HAZTEXMAT containment after removal from the pew so as to keep from accruing fines from the Evangelical Protection Agency (EPA). Also, are these to be replaced by good versions of the Bible, or by something from the Purpose Driven series and will the replacement be done by the APKJVC or the worshipers themselves? After all, if we leave it up to the worshipers, they may go out and get another KJV.

satire and theology said...

We believe all churches in Rhode Island are now completely KJV free.

Obviously, Satan at work. Two reverends on Christian radio station KARI recently implied the NASB was evil and so it must be true.