26 April, 2008

Your Golden Personal Jesus Ticket

If you have a few moments, please take the following 5-question quiz:

1. Do you believe you can earn your way into Heaven?

2. Do you believe you get to Heaven by your good works outweighing your bad works?

3. Do you believe church attendance is required for salvation?

4. Do you believe tithing is mandatory for salvation?

5. Do you believe St. Peter holds the keys to the pearly gates of Heaven, and is waiting for you to ask you some questions?

If you answered “No” to all of the questions above, skip down to question #6. Otherwise, discontinue the quiz and click here. Note: “discontinue” means stop taking the quiz.

6. Obviously you have at least some minimal understanding of truth. But, let’s see just how deep is your understanding. Do you believe there is only one way to Heaven?

7. Do you believe that Heaven is only obtained through the Lord Jesus?

If you answered “Yes” to the last two questions, then you are eligible for the ticket! We at www.jesusticket.info like to say, “You are eligible for Your Personal Jesus Ticket!” What do you need to do? What can you do for assurance? The answer resides in the Lord Jesus and only in the Lord Jesus. Jesus is your ticket to Heaven.

We at www.jesusticket.info can help you without the hassle of attending church, without any concern about how good you are, without worrying about what you are going to say to Peter (who won’t even be standing at the gate if you read the scriptures accurately). You can have assurance of your ticket based on real scripture and not man’s notions of goodie-two-shoed-ness.

Here’s what you need to do. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3:

1. Go to: www.jesusticket.info

2. Scroll through the Your Personal Jesus Ticket license agreement (a quick 12 page read).

3. Choose the appropriate button.

a. “I agree (I’m choosing Jesus)” button [This is the ticket!]

b. “I disagree (I'm rejecting Jesus)” button. [You cannot get a ticket]

That’s it! By choosing the “I agree (I’m choosing Jesus)” button, you have your ticket to Heaven.

Here is some great news! It does not what you do from this point on because the Bible is very clear that once you are saved, you are always saved. It is scriptural and you can bank on that! Know that, regardless of whether or not you golf on Sunday, watch tv on Wednesday night, forget to read your Bible, forget to pray, or even happen to murder a few annoying people, you already have Your Personal Jesus Ticket.

Probably the best thing about www.jesusticket.info is that you can sign up online to view Your Personal Jesus Ticket any time. There is unlimited access, and it is all for free (with registration).

Plus, if you would like to own your very own Golden Personal Jesus Ticket embossed with your name, simply click the “Buy Personal Golden Jesus Ticket Now” button. For only $49.95 we will mail your Golden Personal Jesus Ticket within 24 hours. Alternatively, for only $9.95 you can download your Regular Personal Jesus Ticket in pdf format and have unlimited printing privileges. All major credit cards accepted.

Do not waste another minute. You never know what may walk into your life today or tomorrow. Why take a chance at the bar, the movies, the mall, the buffet, or even your own living room? If you are concerned about any potentially compromising situations where you may be tempted to blatantly sin in the near future, do not enter that situation without Your Personal Jesus Ticket. Once you have the ticket, you never have to worry again about your sins counting against you.

When pharisaical do-gooders try to tell you to go to church, hold firmly to Your Personal Jesus Ticket (whether it is Golden or Regular does not matter), stress to them that church attendance is never mentioned as a requirement in the Bible. When they tell you that you need to tithe, waive your Golden Personal Jesus Ticket in the air and say, “I’m standing on the promises of Jesus and not your Old Testament rules.” When someone tells a joke about meeting Peter at the gate, make sure to point them to Jesus. Specifically, point them to www.jesusticket.info. Let's make sure we all have tickets to get in.


Chris said...

I don't know why this post is labeled "Arminianism" when it ought to be labeled "Free Grace-ism." I came out of a "Free Grace" church (which is a sad title because I believe grace is free, too.) It's almost as though anyone who makes a mental ascent to the facts of the gospel -- without true inward gutsy heart belief and without true inward turning from the promises of sin -- will receive the gift of salvation. And then it doesn't matter what you do, you will be in heaven. This is just another flavor of hyper-Calvinism, not Arminianism. But it also mixes antinomianism; they would say that unrepentant atheistic serial killers who made a profession of faith as a young child _will_ be gathered to the throne of grace and rejoice with Him one day. Blech.

Fast-forward my life to my current Reformed church which gets far closer to the Bible. You MUST have a genuine conviction of your sin. You MUST repent. You MUST have an inward leaning upon Christ's finished work for your sin, not just a mental ascent to facts. And your life MUST bear fruit (as a passive result, Ephesians 2:10) or it never was genuine heart faith. And you MUST persevere to the end. And you WILL persevere to the end. Both are true.

So I don't know why this was labeled Arminianism when it has more to do with hyper-Calvinism :-) Arminians hate theology like that, too. Of course they make other errors, but we both agree that this kind of theology is manure.

Your ministry of satire is good and helpful. Satire and parody can often explain a point better than a thousand words in a theology book. I suppose that's why satire and parody are used in the Bible :-)

Bless you guys,

Brother Slawson said...


You make some very good points, and they are well written and thought out. I cannot disagree.

I was perhaps too lazy to create a new "tag". Since I was picking on "choice" and "laziness", I went with Arminianism and Efficiency.

Thank you for the thoughts and the encouragment.

I pray all that we do glorifies God.
May we be led by the Spirit today.
In Christ,

Brother Slawson

Chris said...

I hope what I said wasn't received as criticism!!! Good post, good point, no matter what the label :-)

I think this error in all its subtle flavors is as common or moreso than Arminianism and must be fought with parody, satire, and of course Biblical exposition.

It nearly sent me to hell. I made a profession of faith as a child and believed myself to be saved when I was living in rebellion, bearing zero fruit of the spirit and doing such things as stealing food from co-workers' desks, stealing music, I even almost set up a porn website. Thank God I was also lazy!! :-) All along I "knew I was going to heaven" because I had my Golden Personal Jesus ticket. Then I was genuinely born again in 2000 with repentance, faith, and the fruit of repentance naturally came: good works.

Again, this doctrine is everywhere. Sometimes it's in bold flavor as at my previous church. Sometimes it's more subtle as in some Southern Baptist churches. It often heralds the banner "Once Saved, Always Saved" or "Eternal Security" (which I believe, I just have a different understanding how that works.)

Great post, I'm glad you're speaking with parody against this terrible error.


Brother Slawson said...


Yes, I understood. And I especially appreciated the discussion of hyper-Calvinism. Good point! I must admit that I struggled with what "tag" to apply. At about 6:30 this morning though, I yawned, took a sip of coffee, and went with Arminiamism.

I agree that this type of Believism is dangerous... more dangerous than blatant hedonism (not the Piper kind). Thanks again for your thoughtful comments.

Chris said...

You write better parody at 6:30 AM than I do any time of the day :-)

I use blogspot.com too; I think you can change the tag after the post is made, and I know that creating a new tag is just a matter of typing it in.


Approved said...

What if I have a beloved family member who has passed away. I know that they would agree with everything you asked. Can I join in their name and get them a ticket? I would even indulge and get the premium package. Let me know.

Stefan said...

Chris: Thanks for sharing your testimony! Thank God indeed for laziness! ;)

Brother Slawson, I think this is one of your best so far.

Brother Slawson said...

Approved: oh yeah! nice touch! Purchasing for the dead should have gotten it's own paragraph.

Stefan: This idea was sparked in part by Piper's T4G 2008 sermon (available online for free). I recommend the entire sermon. At one point about 30 mins into it, he was about to give an analogy of some sort about Jesus being our "ticket"... but then he didn't develop it. I think I understood what he was saying though, and built the satire around (what I thought to be) his point.

Malachi_Abaddon said...

What the point of the McDonald's app?

(I had thought you would have linked to a "how to be saved" sermon by Spurgeon or Edwards.)

Brother Slawson said...

Malachi: Well, since I've been introspective today, I guess I can continue.

You're correct. That would have been better. But here's how my mind was working at the time (proceed at your own risk):

The McDonald's application was one of those "Just plain silly" moments. I was thinking that if someone couldn't correctly answer those first 5 questions from a simple reading of the Bible, then they probably wouldn't understand the rest of my post. I followed that logic into thinking such a person probably needed a job. Following that line, I assumed their skills were limited... leading me to help them find the right kind of job for them... which lead me to think of McDonalds. I actually also pulled up the Home Depot application because their helpers usually have a hard time relating to me and my questions. But, in the end, I went with McD's... possibly because I frequent McD's quite a bit... but from now on, I'm a Lowe's man.

Darrin said...

Your comment on McDonald's is funnier than your whole post above which is also quite humorous. McDonald's is the correct way to steer these people as you don't want to send them to BK where you can have it "your way", or to KFC where "you've got a right to chicken done right". That cuts out a lot of bad theology right there.

You have to watch out for the whole "do you believe in magic" line that they try to indoctrinate people with though. Ronald McDonald does a good job as the chief minister of being humble, but I think a lot of people put their trust in him for their dietary needs.

Once we get a ticket, when does it get punched?

Have fun and stay busy - Luke 19:13

-The Orange Mailman

B Nettles said...

According to the song People Get Ready [you really ought to hear the Vanilla Fudge version, circa 1970] "all you need is faith ... you don't need no ticket, you just get on board." That seems to paint the other side of that same coin.