12 April, 2008
TurboTithe: Not a Penny More Than You Have To
It's that time again. It is Saturday afternoon and you are beginning to prepare your heart and mind for the Lord's Day. The house is completely in order. You have already prepared enough food for tomorrow (it only needs heating in the microwave.) Everyone in your entire family has ironed his clothes and found matching socks. All Bibles have been found and placed on the foyer table. You have read your Sunday School lesson.
But you know there is one thing more that you must do. The clock is ticking. Will you have enough time? You try not to think about it, but you must... you must... you must... Yes, you must do your tithes.
If doing your tithes makes you cringe, why not let TurboTithe ease your fears? TurboTithe makes calculating tithe simple. Some may even call it fun. The whole process can be explained in 3 easy steps.
First, choose your tithe bracket.
1. Pocket Changer
2. Random Small Bill
3. Random Small Bills
4. Random Large Bill
5. Random Large Bills
6. Approximate Tithe on Net Pay, Large Bills
7. Approximate Tithe on Gross Pay, Large Bills
8. Exact Tithe on Net Pay, Checkbook
9. Exact Tithe on Gross Pay, Checkbook
10. Exact Tithe on Gross Pay plus Benefits, Checkbook
11. Exact Tithe on Gross Pay plus Benefits less retirement contributions not paid by your employer, Checkbook
12. Exact Tithe on Gross Pay plus Benefits less retirement contributions not paid by your employer, plus the net of all the net increases and net decreases in the value of all of your assets (including mutual funds, stocks, bonds, cars, home, furniture, computers, lawn equipment, major appliances, perishable food items, subprime mortgage derivative securities, mint and cummin) minus the net of all net benefits and costs in the value of services you have rendered to the Lord (including meals you have prepared for "Dinner on the Grounds" less the value of the helpings you have eaten or partially eaten, including estimates for various amounts of Honey Baked Hams, Up Yonder Rolls, and green bean casseroles).
13. Same as #12 above, but using "Married Tithing Separately" status to split the values of net increases (decreases).
Second, purchase the TurboTithe Edition that is correct for your needs.
*If your tithing status is 1-5, we suggest TurboTithe EZ Platerattler Edition. This edition comes with free advice on techniques for subtly making noise while dropping money in the plate.
*For categories 6-11, the TurboTithe Advanced Edition is probably best. This edition is only for those of you who have the time to actually obtain, and look at, your pay stub.
*For categories 12 & 13, you must have TurboTithe Beyond the Righteousness of the Scribes & Pharisees Edition. If you know the meaning of the word anise, this is the right edition for you.
Third, download your TurboTithe Edition and answer the step-by-step questions.
That's all there is to it! Make doing your tithes fun. Get TurboTithe today, and never pay a penny more than you have to.