28 March, 2008

Sensational Choir Robes Unveiled

Moscow, Russia - Responding to repeated complaints of declining participation in choirs throughout the denomination, the Presbyterian Churches of America have turned to Russian fashion designer Natasha Glazkova for salvation. Ms. Glazkova unveiled this week at Moscow’s Fashion Week what she calls, “the perfect choir robe.” The PCA delegation attending MFW reportedly gaped in awe at her entry.

“Yes, of course they were all gasping,” Glazkova smiled complacently. “This wonderful robe is really the best of all your possible worlds—stunning, new, it’s everything.”

However, one MFW attendee, Marisha Stewart described it as reminiscent of “a giant pink guppy being reeled in,” adding, “There is just no way on God’s green Earth you’re ever going to get me into one of those things. Do you know how long the zipper is? And just how am I supposed to do our Sunday morning processional with my feet in flippers?”

“Such a boorish attitude” Glazkova responded. “The robe has ample room to walk around in and makes a pleasing swishing sound as you move. Just picture 70 women all swishing in together, shimmering in unison—a dream!”

Deaconess Sarah Sumpter of Fort Rhino Presbyterian Church, New Mexico voiced cautious support. “We’re desperate! Our choir is down to four ladies and one man. I don’t think it looks like a fish. Maybe a giant hummingbird, but if we don’t wear the pointy hat it may be okay.”

Each robe retails for under $700 including delicately transparent chiffon sleeves and boldly soaring head piece. PCA Pastor David Brake of Mount Zion Presbyterian Church is betting heavily on the new look to boost Sunday morning attendance. “I’m totally sold on this,” he enthused. “It’s costing us a bit, but I believe the choir is going to simply explode when the first 50 robes arrive.” I see us swelling to 200 singers in our choir loft before May Day. “And that’s just for the ladies. Ms. Glazkova has promised us something equally attractive for the men. She’s creating something to complement these robes that any real man will want to wear. My hopes couldn’t be higher.”

Elder Jefferson Wade of 1st Presbyterian Church of Colleta, Georgia isn’t so sure. “We’ll have to cut our missions budget in half to afford these robes. Still, I suppose if attendance really does go up and people get excited about giving, we could be money ahead fairly quickly. I just hope it’s worth it, but what else can we do?”


Jerry Boyce said...

She reminds me of a horrible nightmare when the Wicked Witch of the West, a unicorn, and the Little Mermaid were involved in a sinister plot that included a science lab.

Horizon said...

That robe invokes so many Freudian connotations I really don't know what to say. Well, just one big one, actually...

Jim Pemberton said...

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *runs from church screaming*

Ok - that was my first thought. My second was what do the tenors and basses wear? Ick.

My third when I got to the bottom was: Aha, it's all about the money. Scary. God's economy is not our own. When are people like this gonna realize it?