29 February, 2008

You Write the Satire!

Okay, spare me the "Hey, you're ripping off Purgatorio!" comments. I'm not asking for "captions" but a story for all of you creative thinkers out there. There might be a TSaB out there for the winner.  So take a gander at this lovely inspiring picture and give it your best.


HeavyDluxe said...

REUTERS -- John Calvin, having been brought to the present through advances in Reformed Science, passed away suddenly yesterday. He was 54, or 498, depending on how you look at it.

Researchers blame the catastrophe on an unfortunate cultural mix-up. In attempting to familiarize the famous theologian with Western culture, Calvin was allowed to (though some opponent's of the research would say, 'tortured by') watch many hours of television and movies.

"We wanted to bring his great theological mind into the 21st century. And we knew he'd need to contextualize, right?" said Dr. C.A. Mohancan, lead researcher. "So, TV and movies seemed the right way to get him up to speed."

The Balazing Center's official statement indicates that the original "Star Wars" trilogy was included as "mandatory viewing" since it "contains such varied themes/references that permeate pop culture". Sadly, it also appears to have been the nail in the Reformer's modern coffin.

While out one of his first 'field trips', Calvin was brought to a local statue of Robert Schuller. The researchers intended to later expose Calvin to some of Schuller's preaching.

"We knew the 'preaching' would drive him nuts," said another project researcher, "so we were trying to ease him into it."

The results were tragic, however. Upon walking up to the large, bronze statue and being told it was a modern preacher, Calvin was said to recoil in fear. He became increasingly agitated and combative with his handlers. Witnesses report that he was yelling repeatedly "No! No! Carbonite!" before collapsing to the floor.

Physicians at St. Mary's Catholic Hospital pronounced Calvin dead shortly after he arrived for treatment.

"When we told him where he was and that he was going to be ok, he just seemed to give up living" reported one nurse who treated Calvin.

The Center is conducting a full investigation and has halted all research until the findings are reported. Still, workers are optimistic that the retrieval of Martin Luther - scheduled for May 10th - will proceed as planned.

"We'll be more careful this time," said Mohancan. "Luther seemed to relish a fight, after all."

WHOA. That is the product of boredom, fer sher.

HeavyDluxe said...

Ick! Typos! Srry.

er, sorry.

Stefan said...

Better than I could have come up with. Flash of brilliance, actually, to interpret the ZZ Top character as John Calvin!

Richard Boyce said...

I thought it was Calvin the Cable Guy, myself.


Give the man his TSaB.

Darrin said...

Founder looks back on destruction of Crystal Cathedral, turns to stone.

After numerous angelic warnings and the inability to find 10 righteuous men in attendance, fire and brimstone finally rained down on said cathedral in lovely Garden Grove, CA. For some reason, pastor Robert Schuller was granted escape, likely due to God's need for more psychology and humanism based pastors in the state of California. However, once out of brimstone range, Schuller was so greatly distressed at the thought of losing such a precious monument to man's achievemnent, he turned back to see if negotiation was still possible, and was immediately turned into some sort of hard thing. He has been providentially left there and had now become a byword to all bikers and vegans passing by, often observed to shake the head or wag the tongue or hiss or something-or-other from the KJV. Most Cathedral members, who were not in attendance that day, have said that this just wasn't right, citing the proverb, "he who preaches in glass churches shouldn't turn stone".

Team Tominthebox News Network said...

Okay Darrin,

That's brilliant! I don' think anyone is going to top you today.


Jerry Boyce said...

There is a strang display in the main lobby of the famed Crystal Cathedral. It all began when one disruptive member of the church leaped to his feet and shouted, " I'll prove there is no God. If there is one, turn me into a potato right now!!"

Several witnesses contested to the fact that a long silence came from the pulpit, then the ever-smug smile broke out on the face of Dr. Shuller. " Friend," he spoke out " That just proves the mercy of God"
The disruptive member retorted back, "Well you try something then!!"

Dr. Shuller held out his hands and said, "Fine. Folks-lets prove the mercy of God, shall we. Lord, if what I learned at the reformed school concerning reformed theology is false, I 'll be a -" BAM
Apparently Dr. Shuller was instantly crystalized. Those that knew him best said he would hvae liked the way he went out, others are so sure. " I always thought the reformed theology he was taught was the truth, now I begining to doubt" states a life long member. " Now he has cause a few of us to wonder about his teaching."

Stranger still is the almost unseen character behind Schuller. When questioned about the state of this man, Shuller Jr. responded with a remarkable story. " One of our members thought he seen a bug crawl out of dad's ear. When he went for a closer look, he mumbled the words 'Well, if the KJV is not the closest we have in English to the words of God, I'll be a ..."

Joe Blackmon said...

Robert Shuller, pastor of one of the earliest American mega-churches, recently stepped down from his pulpit to begin a preaching ministry to the poor in the inner city.

"Well, I went to sleep on night and woke up the next morning feeling quite strange." said Dr. Shuller. "It seemed that during the night, somehow my skin had been transformed to bronze. I was like a living man of metal. I knew why God had allowed this to happen. I decided to take what most people would consider a negative and turn it into a positive."

Therefore, Dr. Shuller lives in south central LA where he continues to spread his message of positive thinking. He says "This way, being made of metal now, my skin is imperveious to harm as well as all the other diseases these people might accidentally pass on to me. I'll preach the positive message of Jesus to the homeless since I no longer have to worry about being infected or dirty. I mean, I'm made of living metal for crying out loud."

More on this story as it develops.

Jim Pemberton said...

Sept 15, 2030, Crystal Self-Discovery Place

Joby Cabe, recently called to facilitate the Crystal Self-Discovery Place (CSDP), has contemplated the old statue of the founder of what was then called the Crystal Cathedral.

"It's not that it's not a bad statue," said the leader of what was once called a church, "but since our emergent forbears emerged we have realized the error of pretending like anyone is seeking God."

Cabe believes that people don't need to be catered to in order to get them to come to church. "We just jettisoned all the old pretenses. All people need is a place they can come and figure out for themselves who God is. We give people free crystals and tech them how to look inside themselves to figure out where God is. This Schuller guy jest doesn't fit what people are finding out about who God is anymore."

The CSDP values good art, but claims that if an artist portrays any meaning that will make the one who views the art unable to make up whatever meaning they are "inspired" to have about the art, then the art is not good. Cabe says that "the statue says something undeniable about the guy that built this place. That's just unacceptable to us. What if we had someone who wanted to think that this piece of art should be a bouquet of flowers? As long as you can tell what it is, the art viewers are enslaved to the art. Rather, the art should be enslaved to the viewers." According to Cabe, another artist wants to smash the statue and glue the pieces into a large clump. This piece of art will stand where the old statue stood as a testimony to the creativity of men and women everywhere.