20 February, 2008

Squirmeneutics

squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm'mə-nōō'tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

It's getting more and more difficult to write satire these days. The reason for this is that the world of Christendom at both ends is getting so extreme that I just can't seem to top reality anymore. A week rarely passes where I don't at least get several emails from you, the faithful Boxers, passing along a story, or a video that is beyond anything I could think up. When I write satire I take an absurdity and generally follow it out to its logical extreme. This in turn, hopefully, highlights the root absurdity thus causing the reader to see it more clearly.

And then there's stuff like this video that I've posted below. It needs no exaggeration because the absurd end has been logically reached already. Yes, this is a first for us at TBNN. Normally I just don't link to someone else's stuff, but this is too good (or too bad) to pass up. When I first saw this video I about lost it. I thought for sure this was a joke. Some seminary students, obviously opposed to extreme fundamentalism, post these little You Tube videos caricaturing super-hyper-indy-fundy preachers. But I checked it out, and it's no joke. This guy is for real.

Warning: This video is PG. It uses some old King James language that is generally considered crude today. I believe it's fine for adults, but you may not want your kiddos around when you watch this.

With that being said. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present...squirmeneutics.

30 comments:

Amanda said...

Once again I'm reminded of my fundy days, when I heard plenty of sermons on par with this one (and still do when I visit my family). Sad but true.

John Dekker said...

I hope this pastor doesn't use a urinal - God's word distinctly says "against the wall".

HeavyDluxe said...

It ain't misinterpretation if my KJV says it.

Alice C. said...

So....all those guys in India (where public urinal=any nearby wall) are actually a. REAL MEN and b. 1611 KJV followers. Who'd-a-thunk?

Richard Boyce said...

Hate to be crude, but I'll ask what I've asked other forums concerning this video...


Does he start with the #1 and transition to the #2?


If not, he's not a real man!



(by the way, my word verification today is "gpiso". Haha)

Darrin said...

Did he actually say the NKJV translators were not men?

So I guess the mark of a man is reading the KJV and boasting about what a man you are.

Pastor Erik DiVietro said...

This video makes me cry every time I watch it. It would be funny if I didn't know a lot of guys who would preach this sermon if they had thought of it first.

Kenji said...

ya know, he spends all this time pointing out the issue that we must be men that pisseth against the wall, rather than males that pisseth while sitting, I wonder what he does with what the verses say about those men. God is going to destroy the man who pisseth against the wall (I Sam 25:22, 34; I Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:21; II Kings 9:8). Did anyone else catch that. Every time the phrase comes up it is in the context of killing that person.

God is going to destroy him!

In that case, I think I'd rather sit down.

Brian said...

The truth is stranger than satire. I'll sign off, I guess I have to remodel the bathroom.

Pastor John said...

Somewhere in Germany right now there is a preacher preaching a sermon from that text called:

"death to ye if you don't squat to pee."

Mike D said...

Wait a minute...he was reading his Bible and THAT'S what jumped out at him?

I read my Bible yesterday too. What jumped out at me again, was how flawed I was and in need of a Savior.

May the grace of Jesus temper this man and have something much more meaningful "jump out" at him.

Team Tominthebox News Network said...

By the way, has anyone else noticed that this guy both looks like and sounds like the guy who plays Jack on "Lost"? Maybe there's some connection there, like this guy was on a crazy island for a long time and that's affected his interpretation of the Bible.

Just brainstorming here...

-Tom

Tim Ashcraft said...

I guess King Saul was a girlyman for obviously sitting down to "cover his feet" (1 Samuel 24:1-7 KJV).

Darrin said...

Tom,
He kind of reminds me of a couple of teachers the 7th Day'ers have had on TV lately: young, loud, animated, "intellectual", swaggering, attempting humor at times, and badly misusing scripture.

Timotheus said...

You seriously can't make this stuff up. I'm listening to this guy's sermon on Romans 9 and having a blast. This is how he refutes the five points of Calvinism.

Total depravity: It's just wrong, besides, the word "depraved" is not found in the Bible.

Unconditional election: "If you profess with your mouth the Lord Jesus..." -- isn't 'if' a condition?

Limited atonement: The Bible says that Jesus is the Saviour of all men. He can't remember where.

Irresistable grace: Jesus told the Pharisees that they would not come to him. This is very clever of the Calvinists, because 'will not' really means 'will not want to'.

Perseverance of the saints: This doctrine does not mean eternal security, contrary to common belief. Rather, the Calvinists believe in works salvation.

rpavich said...

timotheus...
can you post the link to the romans 9 sermon? I can't find it....

thanks

Timotheus said...

http://faithfulwordbaptist.org/080807p.mp3

He has a lot of sermons: http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/page5.html

What's Up Today? said...

Tom - He DOES sound like JACK! btw, LOVE your blog...

Richard Boyce said...

Anderson (that preacher) is on record as saying that he will worship his KJB until he dies.


Nuff' said about that.

Pastor John said...

More stories of the weird. It seems like every SBC church in Missouri has been sent a book called the "Geocentric Primer." In it it argues that the earth is in fact flat - just as the KJV teaches. It also include a second book "The Geocentric Bible 5." This book says that the KJV Bible is in fact God. At first I thought this book was a prank, but then I realized it was just creepy.

For those interested, it's also online.

http://www.geocentricbible.com/

Darrel Davis said...

For his next sermon, he plans to use two passages, "Judas hinged himself" and "go and do likewise."

Darrel Davis said...

Ooops - that should be hanged, nor hinged himself - my fault for having a NKJV keyboard.

Michael & Erika Barone said...

ROFL!

OK now that I am done laughing...God is talking about destroying those "Men" and he is using it in a positive light!?

Byron Harvey said...

An observation: as a recovering fundamentalist (now an E Free pastor, still solidly evangelical, so don't worry), I spent some time in fundamentalist churches, and was educated at independent Baptist schools. There was much good there, but the truth is that some of the people who defended the inerrancy of the Bible the strongest did the most absolutely hideous job of actually preaching it. In that sense, this gentleman follows in a long, but sad, line...

Jim Pemberton said...

I pun and occasionally coin new words. "Squirmeneutics" is now in my vocabulary - beautiful!


Timotheus said: "He has a lot of sermons:"

Yikes! They let him get back in the pulpit? Of course I noticed that no one there loved him enough to stop him before he got too far. In fact, they kept filming!

Phil Walker said...

Ugh, it's just dreadful.

And if you look at the church's website, they have "soul-winning" every Thursday evening and twice on Saturdays. Evangelism is highly laudable, if it's truly the evangel you're preaching: but the minister has written an article entitled, "'Easy-Believism' Defended".

They claim "hundreds saved and many baptised". But from the photos, I counted about twenty adults in their services, tops.

fresnel said...

When destiny calls, you'll find me standing up to be counted among the real men. Look for me above you, on TOP of the wall.

Brother Slawson said...

I know it's been a while since this post... but my wife just walked by wearing an old camp T-shirt. On the back it said, "You can stand up in a sit-down world. (Eph. 6:13)" I immediately thought of this post, but fortunately, I had already swallowed my coffee. This preacher may have a point after all. The spiritual warfare passage in Ephesians constantly reminds us to "stand."

Jim Pemberton said...

Sings: "Stand up, stand up for Jesus..."

Team Tominthebox News Network said...

Haaaa! Good one Jim.