ST. LOUIS, MO - Self-tasing has become a common practice these days. For Christians, it started in earnest just after Thanksgiving this past year. Now that Christmas is behind us, you can purchase the Self-Taser for bargain-basement prices.
According to its manufacturer, the Self-Taser can be set to tase based on a variety of behaviors. For example, if an alcoholic reaches for a bottle of beer, his pre-set taser will zap him. If a dieter tries to order a hot fudge sundae, the taser will spring into action. If a liar is determined to quit, but lets a falsehood slip out, his new tool will place a hefty charge right in his mid-section.
So why is the Self-Taser on sale now?
TBNN has discovered that many Christians were purchasing this device with one specific purpose in mind: reminding themselves to say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays." Apparently many of them were setting the control feature to automatically tase if they let loose a "Happy Holidays.”
Why would someone do this? Rachel Harris (pictured here), of Lexington, VA, told us, “I just felt like I had to do something. Every time I went into a store before Christmas, the workers would say, ‘Happy Holidays!’ Any time I turned on the TV, I heard, ‘Happy Holidays!’ Even my mail offered all sorts of ‘Holiday’ sales. After a while, I couldn’t help but respond with my own ‘Happy Holidays.’ I realized the problem I was in, and wanted to do something about it. I was just distraught and hit rock-bottom. That’s when I got a Self-Taser. It is the best purchase I ever made.”
Ralph Spencer, residing in Topeka, KS, informed TBNN, “Like Mrs. Harris, I started to fall prey to the ‘Happy Holidays’ slogan. However, I was convicted of it. I felt something like Peter after he denied our Lord. I refused to any longer bow to the ‘Happy Holidays’ machine. That’s why I bought a Self-Taser. It worked so well. After three or fours zaps, all I could remember to say was ‘Merry Christmas.’”
Now that Christmas is behind us, sales of the Self-Taser have dropped off by over 50%. Some churches are encouraging their congregations to buy the tasers while they are cheap. We have learned that several pastors are exhorting their congregations to now set their tasers to zap if they forget to tithe that month. Other health-conscious pastors have implored their people to tase themselves if they break their New Year’s Resolution/Diet plan.
Although this is rare, some churches have even purchased several tasers to use when church discipline is needed. On a related note, sales have actually jumped in the last month amongst Charismatics; apparently the charge causes people to jump and yell. Some even fall on the floor and writhe in pain.
Some churches have even started using a new slogan: “Tase me, Bro!”
Buy your Self-Taser now. Accountability is a wonderful thing