05 January, 2008

Scientist: Recessive Calvinist Trait Reappearing in Certain Environments

Cambridge, WI – “The results are preliminary,” said scientist Dr. Dredley Melson of the Westford Medical Institute in Cambridge, Wisconsin, whose research may have shed some new light on the age old debate between choice and predestination.

Dr. Melson stumbled on the idea of applying evolutionary ideas to the quinquarticular controversy after his assistant, Sally Wentroupe, was saved at the end of a Joel Osteen television broadcast while flipping channels one Saturday afternoon. “Her experience was much different than I remember my grandparents describing,” said Dr. Melson. “I decided to research this salvation phenomenon by examining parental traits.”

Most of Dr. Melson’s previous research has dealt with the differences in back vertebrate of women and men. He details how evolution has allowed women to develop a particular design which allows them to carry children instead of falling over with the huge burden. “Men would topple with the same load.” (For more information, see, Melson, D.E. 2004. “Men Aren’t Weebles.” The Journal to Find Differences in Males and Females 24:379-408.)

Dr. Melson gave a little history, “Between my epiphanies of realizing that that men and women are not entirely the same, I entertained the possibility that there may also be identifiable distinctions between the Paul’s of the first century and the Caner’s of today.”

“It doesn’t have to be either-or for all men and women through history,” said Wentroupe. “Our research shows a larger number of individuals in recent times are choosing to be saved as I did.”
Dr. Melson points out the similarities between Armenians and early earth dust particles, “The early earth dust particles chose their best by choosing to live and eventually move and reason.”
“Using this reasoning, there should also be evolutions in the way we think. Once men thought up the notion of gods, the initial impulse was to imagine that their gods were in total control. Those thoughts only exist in rare sects of a few religions today.”

Although there has been speculation that a Calvinist gene exists, follow-up studies have not been as promising in isolating a particular gene.

Dr. Melson believes he has proven that the Calvinist doctrine appears in those with a recessive trait that still exists today. “We know that we are the subject of our environment and our genes.” For Calvinists to exist, Dr. Melson argues that the environment must be conducive to cultivating ancient ideas. “There is no doubt in my mind that Calvinists result from placing in a unique environment a person with recessive traits that have been inheriticed from their religious progenitors.”

Dr. Melson reminded us of that 6th grade class in Jr. High where we discovered that breeding two pink tulips, sometimes results in a white tulip. “Sure, we understand how the odds work with recessive traits, but we often fail to remember that it’s the genes plus the environment that make this possible. Attempting to breed tulips in an oven doesn’t work. You still need proper light, water, and soil,” said Melson.

Dr. Melson explained further that it is very difficult to produce a Calvinists in a large auditorium or stadium, where professional soloists entertain, while occasionally singing repetitive word songs with very few words. “Yet, no matter how much we block certain frontal lobe activity in the membership of smaller churches where simple Bible reading takes place week after week on Wednesday nights, Sunday nights as well as in the home and work, in addition to Sunday mornings, Calvinists seem to thrive.”

TBNN agrees with Dr. Melson that the existence of certain visible physical traits are counter to modern evolutionary thought. “It’s almost laughable, from the looks of Calvinists. I often a wonder how such characters continue to procreate. The laws of physical nature are broken repeated. Scientists know that the female of almost all species look for symmetrical physical traits in a mate.” Dr. Melson finds only 2.4% of Calvinists men fall in the range (margin of error +/- 3%) to be considered physically symmetrical (i.e. attractive). “It’s almost as if they are truly predestined.”

7 comments:

AspiringTheologian said...

Ack! No wonder Calvinists are the new cavemen!

Darrin said...

"breeding two pink tulips sometimes results in a white tulip" ... All I know is tulip breeds dissension, no matter what you do with it.
Lots of funny stuff here.
I still crack up about that Quinquarticular Tourette's also.

Tom said...

Armenians??!!

Jim Pemberton said...

There's a lab in Dordrecht, Holland, that has been testing the genetic structures involved. Their testing isn't complete, but their hypothesis is that there's not a Calvinist gene per se, but rather that Calvinism is a result of rapid speciation such that Calvinists are actually a subspecies. The theory includes the speculation that enough Calvinists breed with Arminians to produce traits of the Calvinist subspecies in the offspring of Arminians who have a Calvinist in their lineage.

Furthermore, since the Arminians are less speciated, they occasionally manifest Calvinistic traits. For example, they may pray and ask God to save unbelievers while maintaining that unbelievers still have to choose for themselves. It was observations like this that prompted the scientists to hypothesize that Calvinists are a subspecies.

One anonymous scientist in the lab, however, leaked that preliminary data seemed to indicate that while Arminians bear some Calvinistic traits, the two have responded to different ideological environments and are actually now two separate species. Still there is enough crossbreeding for very few to fully exhibit pure traits. For example, most have Calvinistic tendencies on only two or three points. Unfortunately, the data also seem to indicate that most crossbred offspring do not reproduce.

Darrin said...

Good one, Jim. Observation would indicate that, if both traits can coexist, the Armenian is dominant, at least in the SBC. In fact, some evidence has shown that the Calvinist gene lies dormant in "all" (kinds of) people, but requires supernatural regeneration to awaken and compel the individual; otherwise all would be lost, er, Armenian.

Darrin said...

Sorry, I accidentally perpetuated the mispelling. Now I understand what Tom's comment was about. My apologies to that fine nation.

rabbinkulu said...

Thank you , Darrin. Most Armenians are probably Calvinists. (which is probably a comfort to them, considering their church history...)