12 January, 2008

DJIA Soars to Record High

The DJIA soared 93.07 points to 983.14 in December, up from 890.07 in the September survey, according to DJIA reports announced Friday. This marks the highest average in the DJIA’s 4 year history.

Pundits suggest the results are due to a dramatic increase in pre-Christmas Sunday attendance, especially in the larger stadium churches. The Delighting in Jesus Interdenominational Average (DJIA), tracks Christian’s “Delight” in the Lord Jesus of the reporting protestant churches.

Participants self report their feelings using a 4-question survey. Surveys are collected for all those in attendance in the AM service on the 4th Sunday of each of the months March, June, September, and December.

“We attribute some of the high results to the date of our survey, which occurred just prior to Christmas, when attendance was higher,” said DJIA spokesperson, Hass Holgrembeck. “It’s not uncommon to see at least some rise during December, but this is the record.”

TBNN discovered that the Index is not based simply on attendance as one may initially expect. The bottom line is that the DJIA participant churches self-report their love for the Lord Jesus on a scale of 1 to 1000. The DJIA is a simple average of all the results. The average is weighted based on membership so that larger churches count for a larger portion of the survey.
The survey is based upon Mark 12:30. The 4 questions are:

1. Considering EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of EVERY day, how often are you loving the Lord with ALL (every single emotion) of your heart?

2. Considering EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of EVERY day, how often are you loving the Lord with ALL (every single synapse) of your mind?

3. Considering EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of EVERY day, how often are you loving the Lord with ALL (everything within you) of your soul?

4. Considering EVERY second of EVERY minute of EVERY hour of EVERY day, how often are you loving the Lord with ALL (ever physical cell) of your strength?

Participant churches are asked to have their congregations focus on the words “Every” and “All” within the 4 questions and rate each question individually on the 1 to 1000 scale.

According to Brevv (pronounced “Brett”) McCarthy, DJIA surveyor from Lipt (pronounced “lype”), Mississippi, “We find that many individuals fall short of 1000. The DJIA is usually around 900 (equivalent to participants loving the Lord, on average, with 90% of their being). Until December 2007, it had remained in the range of 850 - 940 during its 4-year history.

McCarthy continued, “Yes, it is true that the Christmas season usually triggers a lot more delight in the Lord. What better way to receive the desires of your heart for Christmas? This record numer this year is probably due to the Tuesday Christmas. With Monday as a shopping day, Sunday could be spent resting up in church before the last day to shop.”

"Also, we have found a high correlation between attendance at stadium churches and a high DJIA.” Apparently, such participants rate themselves very high in their ability to truly delight in the Lord all the time. One large 16,000 member church in Texas reported a perfect 1000 for every member during the last quarter of 2007. Rather than administer a paper survey, the pastor asked all members to hold up their Bibles and affirm the truth of the questionnaire by repeating it after him.

"Because the survey is self-reporting, we cannot be absolutely certain that the DJIA is taken seriously by everyone," admitted Holgrembeck. For example, the smaller congregation denominations, often Presbiterians and some Baptists, make up a higher percentage of the survey during March, June, and September. These two denominations, in particular, usually have a huge negative impact on the DJIA.

TBNN support staff were able to obtain individual data from DJIA reps. TBNN noticed one pastor of a small Baptist church who personally reported a score of 25 out of 1000 for himself. DJIA reps asked TBNN to give him a call thinking perhaps he meant to put 250 (representing 25% of everything is devoted to loving the Lord Jesus) instead of the paltry 25 (representing only a quarter of 1% of his life is truly devoted to the Lord.)

During a phone conversation with Dr. Elder Eric, the pastor stated, “It was no mistake. When I really consider how much time I spend thinking about myself and when I really consider how much of my energy is put into me me me vs. what it could be if I gave my 'All' to the Lord, I had to give myself a 25 out of 1000 during the last quarter. I know the Lord Jesus died for my sin and I do delight in Him. I'm glad that, because of what the Lord Jesus did, God sees me as perfect. But, the way the survey asked the questions about ALL the time and EVERY second, I had to give myself a 25. That number may be an overestimate.”

“It’s bizarre, selfish, prideful characters such as this pastor will always bring the average down for the rest of us. Such pride will make it impossible for the DJIA to ever reach 1000,” said McCarthy.


Chris said...

Wow. Satire can be convicting......

Abe Orr said...

They even have a link to a ticket broker! Wow!