29 September, 2007

Truth Better Than Satire: eU2charist

WARNING: Some serious NON-Satire to follow:

eU2charist
A U2Charist (also spelled eU2charist) is a communion service, or Eucharist, accompanied by U2 songs in lieu of traditional hymns and sometimes as part or all of the service music. The music can be played from a CD or, in less common cases, performed by a live band. See also: Wikipedia

Romanian Convict Sues God For Breaking Baptismal Contract
A Romanian convict doing time for murder tried to sue God for breaking the contract they allegedly concluded at his baptism and not doing enough to protect him from Satan. The public prosecutor turned down the case -- because God does not have a home address.

Bookmark these for later if you have anything else to do today:

Nobody Goes to Hell: Minister Labeled a Heretic

Beer Glass Jesus to Lead Christmas Campaign

Our Lady of the Underpass

The Alligator's Skin that Spells God

Religion off the Agenda in "church of laughter"

*** SATIRE ACTUALLY BEGINS HERE ***

Since you've gotten this far in the post, you no doubt are wondering what is going on. Well, last week I successfully installed the Satire Sniffer. I was relieved when I realized I could now laugh at so many things that once appalled me when I thought them true. The Satire Sniffer attempts to continuously indicate whether the current webpage is satire or truth as I cruise the web. It does a fine job. I did, however, encounter a few glitches.

Before I go any further, I must say that the Satire Sniffer has properly indicated "truth" 100% of the time when I am reading actual truth. I fully recommend the Satire Sniffer for elimination of all Type I errors, where the null hypothesis is: Current Website = Truth. Satire Sniffer never returns a false positive. In other words, in every incidence that Satire Sniffer recognizes a website as "truth," the website is actually truth.

I have, however, discovered Type II errors. In such cases, the Satire Sniffer returns a false negative. Those stories were given above at the beginning of this post. Each of the true stories above is an instance where Satire Sniffer indicated "satire," while upon further investigation, the stories were found to be true.

What I think is fun... is to read the articles as if they are TBNN satire web pages. As I read them, I'm thinking, "Those guys are jeanuses!" Then I realize, "Wait a second, this is for real!"


*** SATIRE ENDS HERE***

I know this may be confusing, but again... the above stories are really true stories (unless I need Satire Sniffer 2.0). Thanks to my friend Doug (a faithful reader of TBNN) for sending these to me.



28 September, 2007

Sickness, Poverty and Hardship Gospel Not Catching On

Atlanta, Georgia - When the Reverend William Constantine Lester began his ministry three years ago he started it with one goal in mind; to be "as broke as possible." After 25 years of running a successful business in which he had amassed a tidy portfolio, purchased two houses and enjoyed regular vacations abroad, Lester came under the intense conviction that to have any wealth whatsoever was sin.

"I just kept reading in the Bible where Christians were poor" said Lester. "Jesus was poor, the disciples were poor, Paul was poor, so if I really wanted to be a true Christian I needed to give it all up."

And that is exactly what he did. In a period of one week, Lester sold off all his worldly possessions, emptied his bank account and gave away his life savings keeping only enough to buy an old 1987 Yugo to live out of with his wife. Lester then started his ministry called Today Ain't Your Day (And Tomorrow Ain't Looking So Good Either) which takes the approach that the Bible teaches that true Christians will suffer sickness, poverty and hardship constantly.

"The righteous will suffer and be miserable and will do so constantly" stated Lester from the back of his Yugo. "Many of these modern Christians out there thinking that they can get away with their riches with the excuse that God has 'blessed them.' And some, though they aren't rich by the world's standards, still think it's okay to have a little bit, and to live in a house. That's just plain foolishness. If Jesus didn't have a place to lay his head, then neither should Christians."

But despite Lester's passion his ministry has failed to catch on over the last three years. The "church" currently meets in a park on Sunday afternoons, with about 6 or 7 people in attendance.

"We function just like every other church out there, just without all that fancy stuff like roofs and electricity and books" stated Lester. "We sit on the ground, we sing and I preach."

During a sermon Lester passionately poors out his heart to his humble congregation.

"The Lord wants you to be miserable and poor. If you haven't received your poverty today then you just don't yet have the faith you need, you haven't truly trusted in God to take away everything you have and leave you with nothing."

As the service winds down a man from the congregation, visibly moved, takes a moment to confess his "sins" openly.

"I don't know what to do" said the man, later identified as simply as Alex. "I'm the spitting image of health. I've got low cholesterol, I'm thin, blood pressure is fine, If I could get have a heart attack or come down with some kind of disease or something I'd feel so much more accomplished."

Despite the low turnout from week to week and the lack of overall interest in his ministry, Lester has pledged to continue his work.

"So many people out there are living the good life when they ought to be in a constant state of misery" said Lester. "That's my message. That's what I'm all about. How I would loved to just see this park filled next week with hundreds of people dying from cancer, starving, dirty and depressed. Then I would know that I'm really accomplishing something."

26 September, 2007

Church "Throwed Communion" Stunt Proves Disastrous

Falls Creek, Florida - Over the past five years The First Baptist Church of Falls Creek has been looking for new and creative ways to "beef up" their worship services and to attract new faces to their church. So they adopted a policy of "whatever works" into their collective vision. What resulted was a church that borrowed heavily from pop culture.

The church's first adjustment came in 2003 when the congregation replaced the existing praise ensemble with a five member teenage male heartthrob group known as The Golden Street Boys. Soon thereafter, the church did away with general deacon elections and began holding an annual competition called Survivor, Fall's Creek in which those nominated for the office of deacon competed over a period of 40 days. The last person standing was automatically named head deacon and was then able to pick five more people to serve with him. And just last year the church installed an Olympic-sized swimming pool under the floor of their sanctuary and held their first ever swimming service in which all of the members of the congregation swam during the worship time.

"We are lively, upbeat and always down with the latest trend" said Pastor Larry Hillenburg. "We look around us and when we see something that works, we just Christianize it and plug it into our church."

All seemed to be going well for the church and its "do what works" philosophy, that is, until recently when the church started a new program they called "Throwed Communion."

The idea was conceived by Hillenburg and several of the deacons during a recent trip to St. Louis. During the trip the group passed through the small Missouri town of Sikeston and ate at the famous Lambert's Cafe, known for their "throwed rolls."

"We were sitting there eating at Lambert's just enjoying ourselves" said Deacon Marty Mitchell. "It's such a hoot when they come through with those hot rolls. You just hold up your hand and they'll throw them at you. We had the best time, and just laughed and laughed about it. Then we all started thinking about how good this would be if we could somehow incorporate it into our own church."

So the group put their heads together and came up with an idea that they were certain would be popular.

"We had been looking for a way to really spice up the Lord's Supper time" said Hillenburg. "We do it once a month, and I'll tell you, it can really get dull. It's the same thing. We pass out the bread and grape juice while the boy band sings something slow and soothing."

The group came to the conclusion that they would try the idea of "throwed communion" during their next Lord's Supper. But unfortunately, the idea did not work out as well as the group would have hoped.

"Their were a couple of things which we didn't think through too well" noted Hillenburg. "Namely, we never discussed what to do about the little cups of grape juice or what to do if people dropped the bread, how they were supposed to get another piece."

The service began with Hillenburg and the deacons literally throwing the bread to the congregation. Unfortunately, though, a large number of the bread pieces were not caught and ended up all over the worship center floor. Furthermore, in an effort to catch the flying pieces ten boys from the youth group were injured making tackles. In addition, members complained of finding pieces of bread in their hair several hours after the service had ended.

As if the flying bread chaos was not enough, the situation only degraded further when it came time to pass out the "wine."

"I could tell things were not going well" stated Hillenburg, "and all I wanted to do was get this thing over with. But before I could say anything the deacons picked up the little cups of grape juice and started throwing them at people too."

The members of the congregation soon discovered that flying cups of grape juice, whether the cups are caught or not, ultimately result in spilled juice going everywhere. And everywhere is where it went. When the service was over no pew was left untouched by grape stains, the beige carpet was ruined and ever member of the congregation had purple on their clothes somewhere. In all the church will have to spend $50,000 for new carpet, $50,000 to have all of the pews reupholstered with dry cleaning receipts still being turned in by members of the congregation, and another $2000 for the ant extermination.

"We made a mess with this one" said Mitchell, looking back on the event. "I think if this situation taught us anything, it's that not every good idea will translate from one situation to the next. In light of this we've decided to scrap the "Church Versus Nature" campaign we were going to do this fall in which we would have dropped the whole congregation off in the Everglades to see if they could find their way home. I've got a feeling that one wouldn't turn out so well too."

24 September, 2007

Ahmadinejad Speaks to Unitarian Congregation

New York, New York - The visit of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been surrounded by controversy. Since becoming president of Iran in 2005 Ahmadinejad has made statements denying the Holocaust and calling for the destruction of Israel. His recent visit to the United States in order to address the U.N. General Assembly and planned visit to speak at Columbia University has been the focus of many debates. The question as to whether an avowed enemy of the United States and flagrant anti-Semite should be allowed to speak openly at an American University has been questioned by many. But one other public appearance by Ahmadinejad upon his arrival in the United States managed to slip by virtually unnoticed to the public and the entire media, the entire media, that is, except for TBNN.

In an exclusive investigation, TBNN was able to discover that President Ahmadinejad's first speaking engagement upon arriving in the United States on Sunday was at the Baker Street Unitarian Unaversalist Congregation. Ahmadinejad addressed the congregation during their regular Sunday morning "time of gathering."

"I thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today" stated Ahmadinejad. "It is a comfort to know that there are still some left in America who stand for freedom of speech and the right to think and believe according to one's own conscience."

Ahmadinejad spoke for over an hour to the packed house of over 500 people. After he was finished he received a standing ovation from the congregation. At the end of the "service" the entire congregation joined hands with Admadinejad and sang "We Shall Overcome."

While this first speaking engagement of Ahmadinejad's went largely unnoticed, some who were privy to the events ahead of time were "deeply troubled" by his appearance.

"I for one am not pleased" said Evylyn Pietrewlevski, a member of Baker Street. "I understand the importance of diversity and tolerance. I don't want to offend the Iranian people in any way, but I don't think this was the right person to have."

Still, the Rev. Odessa Alma Jennings-Hardworth, pastor of Baker Street, defended the decision to have Ahmadinejad speak.

"We realize that President Ahmadinejad has made some statements which could be considered by some to be intolerant" stated Jennings-Hardworth. "Indeed, that might be true. But one must examine his overall demeanor. While Mr. Ahmadinejad is intolerant towards good things, he is also intolerant of those whom we consider intolerant in even more important matters, namely those of the far-right agenda. So we share a common intolerance of unfavorable intolerance and his intolerance of intolerance far out weights, in my opinion, his intolerance of those things tolerable. If there's one thing we cannot tolerate, it is intolerance, unless a greater intolerance exists towards those with even greater intolerance. I think our motives in having him speak, speak for themselves."

22 September, 2007

Monetary Restitution for Sin of Adam


Atlanta, GA -- Horace Greenlee of Atlanta, Georgia has struggled his entire 45-year life... so far. And what does he have to show for it? "I've got a 900 square foot house with a subprime mortgage and a HELOC. I have a used pickup, $13,000 in credit card debt, and I pay $650 a month in child support payments. I need my roof fixed, my teeth fixed, and my dogs fixed," said Horace as he unloaded two 50-pound bags of Ol' Roy from the pick-up and carried them to the front porch, placing them between the orange cloth couch and old Maytag washing machine.

Horace paused and said with a grin, "My day will be here soon. I will have restitution. The sinners will pay." His hope for relief started about six months back when he jotted down the phone number of Martha Clarkson, his attorney, from a billboard over I-285 on his way to Conyers to visit a cousin. "My life has changed now."

Horace is referring to his $4,000,000 lawsuit against the top 400 richest Americans. He is asking $10,000 from each for restitution for the sin of Adam. "If it wasn't for their ancestor, I wouldn't be in the shape I'm in. I work. I sweat. Look at my brow. Do you see that? Do you see the sweat? If each one of the 400 just gave me $10,000, I could live. I could really live."

Horace is very well aware that his hardship can be traced back directly to one event... Adam's sin. "Sin brought all this on me. Sin is the reason I'm in debt. Sin is the reason I ache. Sin is the reason my heels are bruised. Sin is the reason my girlfriends travailed in the births of my kids. Sin is the reason I groan. Sin, sin, sin. There is no doubt in my mind as to the reason for my troubles. It's sin!" exclaimed Horace.

"Someone is responsible for that very sin that has brought pain to Mr. Greenlee's life. You know who it is? It's the direct fore-father of all those rich Americans," explained Clarkson. "It's none other than Adam."

TBNN representatives in town, had a few questions which Clarkson was glad to answer.

TBNN: "Why sue only the Americans? Why not sue the wealthiest people in the world?"
Clarkson: "That's easy. Horace is an American. We must work within the American legal system."

TBNN: "Why do you feel that the richest Americans are responsible for restitution for the sin of Adam? Why not all Americans?"
Clarkson: "What is $10,000 to a billionaire? They won't even miss it. Besides, on Friday the new top 400 list came out, the poorest person on that list is worth $1.3 billion. In the time it took me to say '$1.3 billion' each of them just made $10,000. See, they just made another $10,000.... and another... and another $10,000."

TBNN: "Have these rich Americans really done anything wrong to Horace?"
Clarkson: "Under the restitution principal of unjust enrichment, liability for doing wrong has nothing to do with it. Claims of unjust enrichment do not depend on proof of any wrong-doing."

TBNN: "Isn't Horace a descendent of Adam also?"
Clarkson: "We're not talking about Horace here. We are talking about a bunch of rich people who have unjustly been enriched at the expense of Horace. Look at their lives then look at his. There's no comparison. We're seeking restitution, but at a minimum, compensation is required. The act of their forefather is unconscionable."

Horace admits that he has been very distraught since discovering that the sin of those rich Americans' ancestor not only has been the cause of his pain, but also is apparently the main reason that he must die. "I'm gonna die! Did you hear me. I'm gonna die because of that sin! I could be living happy and free in the Garden of Eden. I know I'll go to Heaven one day because of Jesus and all that stuff, but I suffer today. I know we don't need money in Heaven, but a few extra dollars to ease my pain on earth would sure come in handy. "





21 September, 2007

Pastor Claims Pedicure as "Ministry Expense"

Bangor, Maine - A scandal broke at St. Luke's United Methodist Church in Bangor when it was recently discovered that the church's pastor, the Reverend Howard Lee, had been claiming a number of personal expenditures as "ministry expenses." Many of the alleged charges are still being disputed, including the purchase of an iPod, which Lee claims he uses to "listen to sermons" and several expensive watches, which Lee claims he "needs so he can know when to end his sermons on time." But of all the expenses being question, one stands out as particularly odd; the pastor's weekly pedicures. When confronted about the expenses Lee justified his actions with Romans 10:15 which reads "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news."

"It is important that a minister have good healthy feet" stated Lee. "In getting these weekly pedicures I'm only following Scripture. The Bible says that those who bring the good news need to have beautiful feet, so therefore I keep mine beautiful."

The investigation has revealed receipts dating back to 2003 showing that Lee has visited a local establishment known as "Tammy's Nail Salon" and received full pedicure treatment with massage costing $100 per session. Lee had been turning in the receipts each year classifying them as "medical ministry expenses."

"We have been spending over $5000 dollars per year for our pastor to go get his toenails filed!" stated an angry Paul Woodward, one of the church's deacons. "I can't believe we let this slip by us for so long."

The issue has since been taken up by the region's head bishop of the UMC, but many fear the damage has already been done in regards to Lee's reputation amongst the congregation.

"The congregation is furious with him too" stated Woodward. "Last week almost everyone stayed home from church in protest. There were only like 10 people here, and we normally have 90-100."

Among other items that are still in question include numerous bottles of Cool Water Cologne which Lee had recorded as "anointing oil." Also under investigation now is Lee's 2005 trip to Tahiti which he had recorded as a "missions trip."

19 September, 2007

First "Mega" Church Plant in Laos a Success

Ba Na, Laos - The village of Ba Na is small and simple. The residents are poor and rely heavily on their annual rice crop to feed and sustain them through another year. The people of Ba Na often struggle with finding adequate drinking water and basic health care. Most of the residents have no education and live in simple, small grass and wooden huts. The infant mortality rate is high, and the average life expectancy for men is only 39 years.

It was statistics like this that caught the attention of one church, Parkview Heights Christian Assembly in Dallas, Texas. Three years this church of 18,000 members sent a small medical missions team to Laos. When they returned they recounted tales and showed pictures of the sad state of life for the Laotian people. Debbie Armstrong was one of the members of that team.

"I was deeply affected by that trip more than any other thing in my life" said Armstrong. "These people didn't even have toilet paper. In some of the villages we went to they didn't have ice for their drinks and it was over 100 degrees outside. There was no air conditioning, no sodas or even electric fans. The conditions were miserable."

For a year the church prayed about how they could further help the people of Laos until finally
they believed it was time to go.

"As a church we caught this vision" stated pastor Rick McElhannon. "We had a number of people who were willing to go, and even a pastor ready to make the commitment. So we began a fund raising campaign to send the people and start up a church."

Over the course 18 months the church raised almost $47 million dollars toward starting up a new work in Laos. The village of Ba Na was picked because many of the residents remember the extremely poor conditions there.

"Ba Na was horrific" said Merrideth Barber, who also participated in the missions trip. "I didn't know people could live in such a terrible place."

After the fund raising campaign ended, the church immediately set about securing all of the necessary paperwork and visas to begin building Parkview Heights Christian Assembly of Ba Na. Nine months later a dream was a reality.

"The structure is amazing" noted McElhannon. "It stands in the midst of a rice field and rises out of the ground like a beacon for all to see."

The church structure includes a sanctuary that can seat 1800, complete with 40 Sunday School rooms, a youth center, 55 bathrooms and church offices with wireless internet access. There is also a fellowship hall and kitchen.

"Our first Sunday was a tremendous success" said the church's pastor, Rev. Patrick Clemens. "I think the entire village of Ba Na showed up for our first service this past Sunday. The praise band did an excellent job. I'm a little concerned that the people didn't pay attention that well during the sermon, but all things come in good time. They all attended the dinner on the grounds afterwards and seemed to really enjoy themselves."

TBNN was able to catch up with some of the residents of Ba Na and interview them with the help of our own correspondent Brother Slawson who is fluent in Laotian.

"There is not a soul in Ba Na who can refrain from this place" commented Khamkong Xok, an elder in the village. "The waters are pure, and on days when the sun is very hot, inside of this place there are refreshing winds, cool and pure. I will go to this place. These people speak in a strange tongue, but I will go to this place and drink and not be thirsty. And I will go and not be hungry."

"We saw them make this place for a long time" said a man simply known as Phant. "We all wondered for so long what they are doing. Then four days ago we all hear a sound, like a bell from this place. We all began to walk toward this noise and we see that the doors are open to this very big house. When we go inside the people are all smiling at us, and the house is like nothing we have ever seen before. Everything shines like the sun. These people make strange music and a man stands and talks for a long time. We do not understand him. But like Khamkong, I too will go to this place, for if I go I may live longer."

"We are excited about the future of our church" said Clemens. "We really feel like we're reaching these people. As long as we get our weekly airdrops of supplies like Coke, Hershey bars and other necessities, and as long as the generators keep the AC running, we'll be alright. This is what missions is all about."

17 September, 2007

Church Holds Day of Prayer for "Persecuted Blogs"

Sally, Indiana - Ellen Crossworth, a young mother of four loves her hobby of blogging. Each day, faithfully she gets up early, fixes herself a cup of coffee and sits down to read her Bible. After that she dutifully sits down in front of her computer and updates her blog site. It is a simple site entitled "Cross Words" and is comprised mainly of her thoughts and inspirations she finds daily in Scripture. Over the past two years she has gained a daily readership of about 75 persons. While not a huge number, for Crossworth she feels it is an accomplishment.

"I'm not a so-called uber-blogger by any means" she says. "But it's exciting to know that there are about 75 people out there that think of me every day, and that what I'm writing is actually impacting someone's life. That really blesses me to think about."

But lately Crossworth has found herself a little "down" about her blog. The trouble all started about two weeks ago when an anonymous commenter began making upsetting statements about her blog.

"There was this one commenter who started replying to posts, telling me how stupid I was" she said. "He called me ugly, and said that I was a 'weak-minded fool.' That really hurts and cuts me to the quick."

Unfortunately for many Christian bloggers, Crossworth's story is not unique. With a rise in the popularity of blogging over the past five years, many people are having the face the harsh reality that not everyone likes what they are saying.

"I get hate emails now" said Lucas Thompson, whose blog, Theology for Today averages almost 900 hits per day. "People leave nasty comments all of the time. People curse me out. I've even had death threats."

With the popularity of blogging becoming even more and more widespread in Christian circles, many churches have begun to address the issue of "the persecuted blog." Crossworth's own home church of Temple Baptist has taken this issue to heart.

"We know from Scripture that those who seek to live truly Christian lives will face persecution" stated Crossworth's pastor, Andrew Perry. "The blogosphere is no exception to this. Here are the faithful servants going out there day after day, fighting for the truth only to be ridiculed and scorned by the masses."

So, in an effort to raise awareness around the world, Temple Baptist held its first annual "Day of Prayer for Persecuted Blogs" this past Sunday.

"The whole service was a tremendous success" stated Perry. "We sang lots of praise songs with a blogging theme such as It is Written, and Thy Word is a Lamp unto My Feet. We even had one of our own praise band members write a new song for the occasion entitled I Will Never Stop Blogging About You. I gave a special message about persecution, and at the end of the service we had an especially moving time when we all joined hands and gathered around worship center and prayed for persecuted bloggers throughout the world."

"It was moving" said Crossworth. "Everyone was so encouraging to me telling me to 'Never give up' and 'keep fighting the good fight of the blogosphere.' I couldn't have been more moved."

15 September, 2007

Take A Bite Out of Thine

Arlington, VA – Pastor MacGruph, President of the National KJV Annihilation Council (NKAC), wants to encourage parents and guardians in your church to “Pray it Safe”. “There are several easy ways you can pray for and participate in the complete annihilation of the outdated, obsolete, confusing KJV Bible,” said MacGruph. “Our goal may take more than a generation, so we must begin by protecting the children.” NKAC ideas include:

SIMPLE TO MEMORIZE, EFFECTIVE SLOGANS

· Just Say “NO” to KJV

· If You Find a KJV, Don’t Touch

· If a KJV Bully Picks on You, Stand up

· Always Memorize Verses From Your Own Bible


ORGANIZE A KJV TRADE-IN PROGRAM

· Organize a KJV trade-in program or KJV safety lock program (for encouraging proper storage of old family Bibles that are kept for “Births and Deaths” or the "Maps" sections.)

· Work with local pastors to collect used, new, or unwanted KJV Bibles or distribute lock boxes.

· To encourage the trade-in of KJV Bibles, offer enticing incentives such as canned baked hams, Hee-Haw VHS videos, Ryan’s Family Steakhouse coupons, or confederate flags.

· Guarantee anonymity for all owners of KJV Bible contributors. Have a “no questions asked” policy.

· Be sure to include an educational component that reinforces the possible negative impacts of KJV memorization and the importance of safely storing any KJV Bibles that remain in the home.

· Assure program participants that most KJV Bibles are made out of recyclable paper that will not be placed in landfills.

TIMBER ALERTS

Guardians cannot physically be present every second. Even if they were, it would not be proper for adults to openly confront a Sunday School teacher, a VBS leader, an AWANA Commander, a Pastor over for dinner, or even visiting relatives. We would never recommend that an adult attempt to forcibly remove a KJV Bible from anyone (especially a KJV-Only fundamentalist) . But with the proper encouragement, children as young as 3 or 4 can be trained to innocently and swiftly place KJV Bibles in a nearby trashcan or recycling bin. This training and alertness program (DVD only) is called TIMBER Alerts. TIMBER stands for: ‘Thy’ In My Bible Equals Removal.


3 FUN INEXPENSIVE ITEMS

  1. Bracelets: Inscribed with 'Take a Bite Out of Thine'
  2. Bookmarks: Pictorial lessons of how to 'Avoid KJV Bullies'
  3. Coloring Book: Entitled 'Real Bibles' (Note: No KJV Bibles are pictured at all; not even with a Ghost-Buster's symbol. All Bibles pictured within the coloring book are clearly labeled as NIV, HCSB, ESV, or MacArthur)

14 September, 2007

Pastors's Supposed "Speaking in Tounges" Actually Quenya

Calvert, Maryland - Scandal broke this past weekend at First Pentecostal Holiness Church in Calvert. The incident centered around the churches pastor, Rev. Art Lofton, and his supposed tremendous gift of "speaking in tongues." Lofton, who has been the pastor of the church for over five years, often amazed and charmed his congregation with what many called "a truly spectacular gift."

"Brother Lofton had the most amazing gift of tongues I had ever heard, so I thought" said member Emma Harris. "So often I have heard people speaking in tongues and, while I don't want to be critical, it just sounds like they're saying the same thing over and over again off the top of their heads. But when brother Lofton spoke it really sounded so real! It sounded like he was speaking real sentences with a smooth flow to them. And the words sounded smooth, beautiful and truly angelic. We all thought he truly had the gift."

But what many considered a "beautiful gift" was discovered this past weekend to not be as "miraculous" as many people thought. As it turns out now, for the past five years Lofton has been charming his congregation with the language Quenya. Quenya is an artificial or "constructed" language invented by famed British author J.R.R. Tolkien. The language is one of the tongues spoken by the fictitious people of Middle Earth in his series, The Lord of the Rings.

In Lofton's case, his "secret" was discovered during a morning worship service in which a number of new college students visited the church. The discovery was made by Brent Perkins, a freshman at Calvert Community College.

"I'm a pretty die-hard Tolkien fan" said Perkins. "A couple of years ago I started to learn the Elvish tongue. So, the service was going well and all that. Then during the pastor's sermon he started getting really emotional and started speaking in tongues. Everyone around me just got so overwhelmed. I thought it was some kind of joke though. I leaned over to my friend Tricia who was with me and I said 'Hey, he's speaking in Elvish.' She didn't believe me at first, but then my friend Chris realized the same thing."

After the service the kids talked with Lofton.

"I went up to the pastor and asked him 'Did you know you were speaking in Quenya?' " said Perkins. "Like all of the blood just drained from his face, but some of the other people around us heard us and asked us what Quenya was. So we told about The Lord of the Rings and stuff and they seemed to get really upset. By the time we turned around the pastor was gone."

"As word begin to spread around about what was going on everyone was getting pretty upset" stated Harris. "We felt deceived, cheated and swindled. Here we were thinking that our pastor had this magnificent gift of tongues and all he had done was learn this fake language."

TBNN received notice that the congregation has since caught up with Lofton and that he has confessed to his "sin." At the writing of this article the church has not decided what they are going to do in regards to his status as pastor.

"We just don't know what we're going to do yet" said Reynold Farris, one of the church's deacons. "How could we ever trust him? Since no one ever knows what anyone else is saying when people speak in tongues, how could we know for certain he wasn't speaking Klingon or something up there. Speaking in tongues is the most genuine and real only when it is spontaneous and makes no sense to anyone else."

TBNN will continue to monitor this situation.

13 September, 2007

Church Gets Honest about Room Names

BRATTLEBORO, VT - When pastor Wilson Davies first arrived at Highland United Methodist Church, he told himself that he wouldn't change anything during his first year there. According to Davies, "I wanted to gain the trust of the people, and it seemed best to me to leave everything as it was for the first year. Well, I managed to make it through seven months, but then one thing in particular just had to change."

Pastor Davies has told TBNN that just before he moved to the church earlier this year, the previous pastor decided to re-name the "Sanctuary," which is now called the "Worship Center." This seems to be a more honest name. Mrs. Sandra Baker, a long-time member of Highland UMC, informed TBNN, "Ever since we moved to contemporary worship a few years ago, our main meeting room has not been much of a sanctuary. However, we all agree that there is a lot of worship going on. We sing at least seven praise choruses each service."

In light of the change to "Worship Center," Davies has proposed that the church should be more honest about the names of the other church rooms. "Why be honest about one room, but cover things up about the others?" he asked TBNN.

Some of the new, proposed names have caused a stir within the body, but Davies thinks it's for the best. "We have a special church meeting scheduled for this coming Monday night. At that time, we'll discuss the new names for a bit, and then vote on the changes room-by-room. I'm praying for a 100% change."

Pastor Davies' proposed changes (in no particular order) are as follows, with the old name first, followed by the proposed name:

Church office - Administration Center

Prayer room - Meditation Center

Gym - Fun Center

Kitchen - Gossip Center

Fellowship hall - Gluttony Center

Board room - Pride & Power Center

Nursery - Daycare Center

Children's Sunday School rooms - Craft Center

Youth room - Carnality Center

Mrs. Baker, who was quoted earlier in this article, has seen these proposed names. "I can't say I'm too thrilled with all of them, but there is certainly some truth mixed in to some. I have to admit that I am a bit scared to venture back into the Youth room."

We at TBNN asked Pastor Davies how he thought the church would respond to him personally at Monday night's meeting. He answered, "Oh, I think they will be pleased by this. We all know that it's critical to tell the truth, so I think they will both applaud the move and vote for all the changes."

12 September, 2007

Vatican Announces Plans for Vatican III

Vatican City - An official statement from the Vatican was released on Tuesday announcing the Holy See's preliminary plans to hold a third Vatican council in the year 2962. Due to take place exactly 1000 years after the second Vatican council in 1962, early plans for Vatican III foresee possible changes taking place within the Roman Catholic Church.

"We are excited about these preliminary plans" stated Cardinal Benito Cuilasso, a spokesperson for the Vatican. We know that we are some time away from the actual date of this event, but in the Roman Catholic Church we think not in terms of today or tomorrow, but in terms of centuries for changes to take place.

Issues already slated to be discussed at the council include the possibility of delaying the subject of married priests until a fourth council can be convened, the question of whether or not Protestants can truly be saved, and the question as to whether or not Purgatory has ever really been an official doctrine of the church. Other issues that are still being examined are whether or not restrictions on eating meat should be reinstated for Fridays, the pay scale for priests, and possibly expanding church parishes to other currently "closed countries."

"Part of the difficulty of such a task as this is that one cannot predict the future" stated Cuilasso. "We know that some things will remain the same. Everyone will be wearing the same outfits, of course, and I'm sure the same furniture will still be here, but one cannot say what the world will be like."

Many have wondered, though, why the church is already looking forward to a third Vatican council when questions surrounding the the second council still remain.

"It's too soon for this" stated one priest who wished to remain anonymous. "Vatican II was only 45 years ago, and it's still being worked out even as we speak. I'm just very apprehensive as to whether we will be ready for another council in 955 years."

Others, though, see this as a step in the right direction.

"I'm glad we're thinking ahead" said Rev. Mark Anthony Hodges, of St. Isaac's Parish in Newport Beach, Virginia. "I really was expecting them to schedule the next council for sometime around the year 3500. I'm glad it's going to be sooner so that some of these other issues can be resolved more quickly."

10 September, 2007

VHS-Onlyism Becoming More Popular

Pensacola, Fl - It's Sunday morning at Bible Believers Baptist Church in Pensacola, and the congregation has gathered for Sunday School. Recently the class started a new video series on the book of Mark taught by one of their favorite preachers, Dr. Peter S. Ruckman. David Peidt, the Sunday School director settles the class, opens the time in prayer, and then pulls out the VHS tape that contains Dr. Ruckman's message. "You know, some folks don't even believe in using VHS tapes anymore" he comments to the crowd. A soft series of agreeing responses follows, and the group settles in for the message.

Bible Believers Baptist Church is not alone. Recently a number of independent fundamentalist churches have begun to go on the offensive against what they feel are "threats to the distribution of Biblical truths through the medium of VHS tape." One of the leaders of the movement is pastor Mike Paulmon of Wichita Bible Church.

"We are staunchly VHS only at our church" stated Paulmon. "For fifteen years the VHS tape was used to mass distribute preaching throughout the world. Then they started coming out with all of these new forms of media, DVD and now all of these digital forms like AVI files and MPEGs. These are nothing but a trick from Satan to confuse and deceive people."

Paulmon went on to further explain how the use of other forms of media causes confusion.

"You take for instance this VHS tape" he said. "It's just perfect. All I do is pop it in my VCR and record whatever I want. Or if I need to I just set up a VHS camcorder and record something. I can then take that very same tape and pop it into any VCR around the world and it's good to go. Now, all of this DVD business, not every DVD player can play every DVD. Some of them won't work. Besides, to be able to record a DVD you've got to have a special recorder, and a special player. Now the DVD is bad enough, but you take all of these electronic files that you got to have a computer to play them on, like the AVI, MPEG, WMV and VID, it's nothing but confusion. You send someone a file and you've got to have the right program or else it won't play."

Giving further fuel to their cause, some notable figures in the fundamentalist world have joined their cause. One in particular, Dr. Peter S. Ruckman himself, recently spoke out in favor of using only the VHS.

"The VHS is perfect in every way," stated Ruckman. "There's no need to improve upon that which is perfect already. Those who are putting out all of these new deforms of media are all part of the Californian Cult, lusting only after money."

Ruckman went on to further state that he intends to write a book on the subject, due to be released at the end of the week.

08 September, 2007

The Coddle Cootie

Lifeway plans to begin promoting another program aimed at assisting pastors and deacons in an often overlooked church ministry opportunity. No, it is not an evangelistic program like F.A.I.T.H. or one of the more comforting spinoffs of E.E. or Roman Road. No, it is not a discipleship program like the successful How to convert your KJV church to HCSB. And no, it does not involve an insightful book of spiritual depth such as the Prayer of Jabez or At Parbar Westward.

This new program aids in workable solutions for the most common problem that exists within every church in America—the membership’s need for coddling. The Coddle Cootie is designed to be a high-visibility, focused, people intensive ministry program to help all church members (from new believers to even the most spiritually mature) engage in positive openness about their feelings with the goal of restoration to the body. “Pastors agree, nobody is immune from the need for coddle time. It’s not a matter of ‘if’ as much as ‘when,’” said Marlene Thornburg, Coddle Cootie spokesperson.

Lifeway began testing the Coddle Cootie program during the 2006 Southern Baptist Convention in Greensboro, N.C. “The Coddle Cootie got off to a slow start,” said creator Jack Floyd Dennis. “Most people were not instantly drawn to it.” It took Sandy Blackstone, a tester from West Grenadere, Alabama, a while to warm up to the idea of even touching the bug. “Although I was hesitant, the first time I held it, I immediately felt more loved,” said Blackstone. “If it was not so…so… gremlin-looking, I probably would have grabbed it sooner. I have no problem picking it up now. My spirit is always soothed by the calming effects of Coddle Cootie.”

How does it work? The Coddle Cootie comes in an attractive Coddle Cootie Cocoon that can be placed in a corner of the church foyer so it is available to anyone entering through the front doors. Participants in the program, referred to in the brochures as Coddle Cootie Cuddlers, simply remove it from the Coddle Cootie Cocoon, hold it in their arms where it is visible for all to see, and carry it with them wherever they go on the church property. By carrying the Coddle Cootie, Coddle Cootie Cuddlers signal their imminent need for coddling. All members (and even visitors) are encouraged to coddle and comfort anyone cuddling the Coddle Cootie.

“It’s nice to get to church early and lay claim to the Coddle Cootie,” said Willy Desmond, who felt the pastor should have shown him a little more respect as he passed him in Walmart on Saturday afternoon. “Yeah, Willy laid first claim today,” said Nelson Howard, Willy’s best friend. “He had good reason. When he tried to speak with the pastor, he didn’t really seem to have time or interest. I’ve noticed that Pastor Bartlet has that attitude more and more recently. He just may be losing touch with our needs and understanding of our pains. He apparently thinks they are minor compared to all the important things he has to do. Sometimes it just hurts so bad. I hope to get here early next Sunday to claim the Coddle Cootie.”

The Cootie Cocoon is a colorful container containing everything necessary for pastors, deacons, and leadership to minister to those with a need for emotional coddling. For the most part, it appears ministers absolutely love the program. “I no longer have difficulty determining those who have hurt feelings,” said longtime deacon, Heulan Adrian. “If the Coddle Cootie is removed from the Coddle Cootie Cocoon, I just look around for the Coddle Cootie Cuddler and make it a point to give them a hug and ask them how they are doing today.”

The quickstart guide strongly suggests that the leadership choose a Coddle Cootie Coordinator (alternately called the Cocoon Curator) to oversee the distribution of the Coddle Cootie and create a necessary barrier between the current Coddle Cootie Cuddlers and the other church leaders, especially the pastor. Pastors, deacons, and other committee heads who themselves have attempted to coordinate Coddle Cootie cuddling, have unintentionally become instant targets of Cootie Cuddlers and Cootie Cuddler wannabees.

There have been some problems. For example, the Coddle Cootie at the First Baptist Church of Cold Barn, Tennessee remained in its cocoon the entire Sunday last week. One of the deacons discovered on Monday morning (through a helpful, informative conversation with his wife, who had found out from a friend in the women’s Bible study, who had found out from her husband, who had found out from his best friend, who had found out from a discussion in a men’s Bible study) that one of the members who had just arrived home from the hospital and was back at church for the first time in 3 weeks, was upset at the pastor for not recommending that she take the Coddle Cootie. "She apparently desired for someone to recognize that she needed coddling and invite her to use the Coddle Cootie rather than get it on her own. The process does have a flaw. Those needing coddling have to actually pick up the Coddle Cootie. If you don’t pick it up, we can’t help you,” said FBC Cold Barn’s pastor.

The program is currently designed to help those who have the need for occasional coddling. Nothing yet has proven to be successful in helping those in need of constant coddling. Experts say the only inroads to helping those with Constant Coddling Deficit Disorder, or CCDD, remains switching churches every 6 to 12 months. “By changing social associationas approximately once per year, a victim of CCDD is able to find a fresh set of smiling faces and open ears to help with his or her pain,” said Agrawl Apun, Assistant Professor of Emotional Disorders at the University of Kentucky.

With this need in mind, Cootie creator Dennis informed TBNN that the next version, the Coddle Cootie Constant Companion, is more technologically advanced and is intended to be carried at all times, even when not at church. The Coddle Cootie Constant Companion version will play a calming song to the tune of Jesus Loves Me

If you're feeling down and low
Grab me and your needs I'll show
Don't be shy, please be direct
They'll feel your pain through this insect
I'm Coddle Cootie
No need to worry
I'm Coddle Cootie
Hold me, you'll see who cares

There are also plans to insert a cell phone within the new version. "We want pastors, deacons, and other ministers and members to have a way to immediately reach the person in need of coddling," said Dennis "even when they are not on the church property." Equipped with a phone, the Coddle Cootie Constant Companion Cuddler should be reachable 24/7. The church leaders and members will be able to call the Coddle Cootie Cell and know their ministry efforts are getting straight through.

Preliminary help guides for the Coddle Cootie Constant Companion include a list of important things that Cootie Callers should remember when calling the Cuddler:

(1) Put no pressure on the Cuddler to do ministry. This could lead to negative consequences.

(2) Assure them that everything will be okay and you totally support them 100% no matter what they do.

(3) Try to schedule a time to meet them at work or home. Or, have a reaffirming meeting in a neutral coffee house, a movie theater, or their favorite restaurant.

(4) If you determine that there is any hint that anyone has hurt their feelings in the slightest way, try to arrange for the perpetrator to call the victim cuddler. Encourage the perpetrator to give the cuddler time. They may not be emotionally ready to talk to the perpetrator about it, but they still need to know that he or she is thinking about their pain and concerned. Encourage the perpetrator to call each day and not stop until the victim cuddler feels 97% better.

(5) Church leaders should place a followup call each day to the Cootie Cuddler. If possible, send at least two quick emails of reassurance.

So, the next time you visit a church, check to see if there is a Coddle Cootie Cocoon in the foyer. It’s a good sign that this church is not only ready to minister to you, your spouse, and the needs of your family, but they are signaling something much deeper. A Coddle Cootie in the foyer signals that this church is also prepared to coddle your every bad feeling, every bad feeling of your spouse, as well as every bad feeling of everyone in your family.

07 September, 2007

New from Kenneth Hagin Ministries!

Now you too can experience the fun and the excitement of name it and claim it with Standing on the Promises, a new game from Kenneth Hagin Ministries.

This game is fun for the whole family or for a group of friends. Whoever gets the most riches without falling down because of a lack of faith wins!

Just spin the arrow on the game board for each player's turn, and that player gets to name and claim any promise taken directly from Scripture regarding health, wealth and prosperity that corresponds with the color that was spun. The object of the game is to get as much wealth and prosperity by the end of the game without falling over because of a lack of faith.

"This game will teach people everywhere that having the good life of ease, money and worldly possessions is just as easy as laying your hand on it or standing on it. People just need to claim what God has in store for them." - Kenneth Hagin

"I'm still waiting on Australia." - Kenneth Copeland


"That's some pie baby. Haah!" - Creflo Dollar


Be sure to contact Kenneth Hagin Ministries today to order your copy of Standing on the Promises.

$19.95 + 9.95 shipping & handling

06 September, 2007

San Francisco Bans Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - First it was plastic shopping bags. Then is was plastic water bottles. Now it's marriage.

TBNN has learned that the City of San Francisco is planning to ban marriage as of January 1, 2008. The city council announced today that since the city's gay citizens cannot be legally married (at least according to national standards), then no one can be legally married. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) applauded the move, saying, "We, like the founding fathers of our country, believe that all Americans are created equal. Thus, all should be treated the same. If marriage is denied to some, then it should be denied to all."


San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom, who can be seen here marching in a gay-pride parade, pushed the city council to ban marriage. In speaking to the press today, Newsom said, "We desire that our country be tolerant and accepting of all lifestyles. What we really want is for anyone to be able to marry anyone else. In fact, I'm fine with a man marrying his dog, cat, tree, or piano. Even the bible tells us all to marry. Why can't we just be loving and accepting toward everyone? However, if we are going to discriminate against some of our people, then we have to discriminate against everyone. That's why no one can any longer be married."

Nancy Pelosi could not have been happier. She exclaimed, "Although I am married, I give full support to my home city's decision. If this means that I am no longer married, then that is just the sacrifice that my husband and I will have to make. Sometimes civil service requires great sacrifice."

All 28 heterosexual, legally married couples still residing in San Francisco are now faced with a difficult decision. Because the city will no longer recognize their marriages, they may have to move. At the very least, they won't any longer be able to rely on their spouse's medical insurance.

On the campaign trail in Iowa, Hillary Clinton said of San Francisco's decision, "When I'm in California, I'll champion this decision. When I'm here in Iowa, I'll condemn it."

Bill Clinton, on the other hand, responded, "Wow, that sounds like a great idea to me! Whoops, was my mike on when I said that? What I really meant was that it sounds like a good idea if most of the voters in that particular area think it is a good idea. Actually, it really depends on what the word 'great' means."

In New Hampshire, Barack Obama was asked what he thought of San Francisco's decision. Obama responded, "Let's not make this a race issue."

Back in San Francisco, Mayor Newsom is proposing a permanent solution to the problem. "Let's call on the U.S. congress to ban all marriage for all time in our country. Then this annoyance will just disappear."

The United Church of Christ (UCC) of Northern California released the following statement, "The UCC still likes the idea of marriage. We also agree with the mayor that any two objects who love each other should be allowed to get married. However, in light of the Nazi-like bigotry of the governments in Sacramento and Washington, we will no longer allow anyone to be married in our churches. Yes, it is a financial sacrifice on our part, but we will do it in the name of love, acceptance, and tolerance. Remember, the bible tells us that God is love."

05 September, 2007

Church Leaders Raise "Age of Accountability"

Savannah, Ga - A group of over 300 church leaders from around the country met in Savannah last week to discuss an ongoing problem in their churches. The gathering, made up of mostly independent, fundamentalist churches, discussed everything from liberalism to bus ministries. But one issue that came up frequently during the week was that of the "age of accountability." The "age of accountability" is a doctrine that teaches that children are not accountable for their sins until a certain age. But for many individuals the exact time of this age is often disputed.

"It is obvious that a child as young as six cannot be held accountable for their sins" stated Mark Horne, pastor of New Falls Bible Church in New Falls, West Virginia. "Prior to the age of six all children have no sin accounted to them. In effect, they don't sin."

But several disagreed with Horne's position.

"I would say that the age of accountability goes up even higher, maybe even to eleven or twelve" stated Everett Colley, pastor of Mt. Pisgah Baptist Church in Athens, Georgia. "I've got two boys at home, one seven and one ten, and it's obvious that they don't understand the difference between right and wrong. I don't see how they could be counted as sinners yet."

Numerous informal debates were held regarding the issue over the course of the week until finally a general meeting was called to discuss the issue.

"We knew we had to get everyone together and finally settle this thing" said Charlie Benton, the moderator of the conference and pastor of Chestnut Road Freewill Baptist Church in Savannah. "We called a general meeting of all the delegates on Thursday and stated that the issue was going to be discussed and debated on Friday."

Friday came, and starting at 8AM the subject went round and round. Numerous positions were presented, with the average age of accountability being proposed as 12. But it was when one delegate in particular, Rev. Hue Cresswell, pastor of Lilly of the Valley Bible Church in Thomasville, Alabama spoke that the tone of the debate began to change.

"Friends," began Cresswell, "we have yet to take into account the rebellion of many of our teenagers. So many of them get caught up in smoking, drinking and dancing in their early years. What of them, I ask you? It happens time and time again! And it can't be bad parenting can it? I would say that the age of accountability is much much higher than we think. That's why all of these teenagers act like pagans. They just don't know what they're doing. They don't know right from wrong!"

Cresswell's impassioned speech was followed by numerous responses of "Amen!" from the audience and ultimately changed the course of the issue. The debate went on for another three hours until finally a consensus was reached. The proposal was drafted and voted upon.

"This delegation of pastors has voted unanimously and in one accord" stated Benton who announced the results. "The age of accountability is hereby stated and agreed upon to be ten years and eight."

Applause and sounds of "Amen" sounded as the results of the vote were announced.

"I'm so happy we got this settled" stated Horne. "There are going to be some very happy parents when I get back to New Falls and tell them the good news."

"This is a blessed event" stated Cresswell, whose fervent speech prompted the move. "For so long Christian parents have struggled as to why their kids act so bad. Well now we know that they just don't know any better."

04 September, 2007

Pope Says Protestant Blogs are not "Real" Blogs

VATICAN CITY - In July, Pope Benedict XVI declared that Christian communities outside the Roman Catholic Faith are not real churches. Read more about that by clicking here.

Today the Pope took his agenda to an even further stage by declaring that Protestant blogs are not "real" blogs. In a move not even predicted by the body of Cardinals, the Pope released a statement to the press that reads, "The Mother Roman Church is the source of all truth and light in this world. Therefore, a blogger has to be affiliated with the Catholic faith in order to post anything truthful or of real substance. By definition, then, all Protestant blogs must not be real blogs. In fact, many of them are what we would call false blogs."

The reaction was swift and strong from prominent Protestant bloggers. For example, Al Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, told TBNN, "This is another example of the Pope's desire to set up the Catholic Church as the one true faith. He is further alienating himself from Protestants who would like to work with Catholics to serve our communities. He is taking us back to before Vatican II."

In this latest Papal Bull, named Exsurge Bloggerae, Pope Benedict claimed that Roman Catholic salvation is based on a combination of faith and the sacraments. This is because, "God needs our cooperation in these acts of grace, shown by us when we partake of the wine and cookie." He stated that Protestant salvation is based on faith alone, which is "ridiculous."

The Vatican has previously listed several blog topics that it encourages Catholics all around the world to read about. According to Pope Benedict, "We desire that Catholic bloggers read and post about our key doctrines and practices such as the Mother Goddess, the Eucharist, Purgatory, prayers to the saints, prayers for the dead, the blessings of repeating the Rosary 666 times, and, of course, Papal infallibility."

Benedict went on, in his bull, to name several Protestant blogs in particular that are of extreme concern to the Roman Church. As certain writings were banned in the past (Luther, Calvin, Zwingli, and, oh yes, the Bible), certain blogs have now been banned to all members of the Catholic faith.

TBNN has learned that the banned blogs, which have all within the last day received a sharp upward spike in number of hits, are the worst in the eyes of the Pope. He has deemed them the Sinister Seven. The 7 are: Al Mohler, Desiring God, Founders Ministries, Provocations and Pantings, TBNN (naturally), Tom's Blog, and Elder Eric's blog.

Another list of the next seven banned blogs may be released on January 1st. Our sources tell TBNN that there may even be an Arminian blog on the new list. Stay tuned for details.

03 September, 2007

Creflo Dollar Proposes New Creflo Dollar


Internationally known minister Creflo Dollar announced over the weekend that he is proposing that the United States government put his picture on the front of a new Dollar bill.

"It's only fitting" stated Dollar. "Who else would be better to put on a dollar except the main Dollar himself?"

Dollar submitted the idea to the United States Treasury Department who was unavailable for comment.

TBNN will continue to monitor this story as more details are expected this week.

01 September, 2007

Make Her da Mommy of Your Life


Dear Wittle Brudder or Wittle Sisser,

I doughno who you are yet. Are you a boy or are you a dirl? I pwayed for you so you can play wiff me, see? Dey say I can’t play wiff you until you are borned, see? I now pway for you to be borned an now I need you to be borned so we can play. It make me happy dat you can be borned cuz I want you to be borned so I pwayed for you to be borned. I love you alweady. I want to play wiff you alweady.

But I can’t play wiff you til you are rweawy borned. I trying to tell you, see? Dis so you can know what to do to be borned. I know you are in dare because mommy is fat an you are in dare. I was where you are, see? I know what you haff to do.

You need to make my mommy da mommy of your life. I know you can do dis. If you don’t make her you mommy wike I made her my mommy den we can’t play. If you don’t decide to be borned she can’t be your mommy. You rweawy, rweawy, rweawy need to make her da mommy of your life. Only you can do dis. I can’t do it for you. Pwease make her de mommy of your life wike me did.

You need to cept my mommy as da mommy of your life. If you will only cept her as your mommy, den dats wike mwaking her your mommy too, wike me, see? Tink about it in your bwain. Tink about it and just bwieve it and you can do it too, see? You need a mommy. Everybwody needs a mommy wedder dey know it or not know it. If you shews to cept her as you mommy, den you can be my brudder or sisser and we can play.

Pwease don’t nore mommy. Sometimes I busy and play and I nore mommy. I nore her and she tink I busy. If you nore her, she may never be you mommy like she my mommy. I know you can feel her if you try. When I in dare, I sometimes nore mommy. But, eventrwee I cide to cept her and make her da mommy of my life. I cide to cept her in my heart as my mommy.

Da wight time may be wight now. If you shews to make her your mommy wight now and if you cept her wight now, you can do it wight now and we can play. I hope you can come wight now. I rweawy want you to come out wight now so we can play wight now. If you don’t come wight now I hope you come out soon. Maybwe you could come out t’night if you want to come out t’night.

I tell you how I came out, see? One day when mommy was fat I cide to come out because I saw the pitcher of when I was not come out. I shews to cide to come out and you can shews to cide to come out too, see? If you shews to cide to come out wike I cide to come out then you can make her your mommy too, see? I was kickin and kickin and I did not know what to do. I did not know how to come out. I tawt I was stuck. I could not see what I doing. I could not see. I tink you can’t see now eidder. You rweawy need to make her you mommy. You need to shews now to cide now to cept her.

Pwease, pwease cide to cept her and come out now. I know you kick. You need to shews to be borned. I see you kick. I see you move. I know if you only bwieve she will love you wike she love me. She has many many love. She a good mommy to me. I know she a good mommy for you too if you bwieve her. You can do it. I can help you if you can hear me in dare. Come out and be borned. You rweawy need to make you be borned now so we can play. I know if you don’t come out den you die an I sorry if you die. I so sorry if you die. If you know you are not borned right now, den you can shews to be borned. Do you know dat? Do you know you are not borned yet and you need to be borned? Please shews to be borned.

You rweawy need to know my mommy want to be you mommy too. She talks to you and sings to you too, see? She wait for you. She rweawy rweawy want to be you mommy if you cide to cept her. If you cide to cept her, she will be your mommy if keep bwieving she rweawy rweawy is you rweal mommy. Don’t stop bwieving. You need to cept her in you heart and not stop, not ever. If you bwieve it one time I hope you keep bwieving it. Bwieve, bwieve, bwieve. It easy to bwieve and shews to cept her. Pwease cide wight now. I want to play wiff you. Make her da mommy of your life.

Wove,

Krissy

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