22 November, 2007

Thanksgiving for Perfect Doctrine

NASHVILLE, TN – On this day of giving thanks, TBNN has learned that the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) is giving thanks to God for its “perfect doctrine.”


Pastor Davis Wallace, of FBC-Tyler (TX), explained, “We at the SBC are so grateful to God for blessing us with perfect doctrine. We know this is by His grace. We do not deserve perfectly biblical doctrine, but that is what the Lord has given us nonetheless. Do we have any right to correct knowledge of doctrines such as baptism, the Lord’s Supper, the incarnation, soteriology, ecclesiology, and salvation itself? No, we do not. Do we have any right to our perfect understanding of how God's sovereignty does not infringe upon man's free will? No, we don't. We give all thanks to God for His perfect blessings.”

TBNN has obtained an advance copy of a ½ page statement that the SBC will be placing in the major newspapers of 24 U.S. cities on Thanksgiving Day. Along with a statement of thanks, the SBC is, somewhat surprisingly, publishing its latest rankings for its “Denominational Likelihood of Salvation Scale.” On this scale, the SBC ranks numerous denominations, based upon their doctrine, on the chances of their members actually being saved.

The scale is based upon the idea that Southern Baptists have a 100% chance of being saved based upon their doctrine. The scale does not indicate that all members of SBC churches are saved (we all know that’s not the case). The scale, therefore, is based on doctrinal purity, not on whether or not the people actually believe it.

Denominational Likelihood of Salvation Scale:
Southern Baptist 100%

Independent Baptist 83%
Free Will Baptist 77%
American Baptist 62%
ARBCA 57%

Presbyterian (PCA) 57%
Presbyterian (PC-USA) 41%

Lutheran 55%

United Methodist 52%
Free Methodist 48%
Wesleyan 47%

Disciples of Christ 43%

Church of God 39%
Assemblies of God 39%
Pentecostal 39%

African-Methodist-Episcopal 36%

Episcopal 21%

Greek Orthodox 11%
Russian Orthodox 11%

Roman Catholic 9%

7th Day Adventist 2%
Unitarian-Universalist 1.5%
Mormon 1%
Moonies 0.5 %
Jehovah’s Witness 0%

As we would expect, leaders of other denominations are not exactly pleased about this scale. Dr. Norma Simpson, representing the United Methodist Church, told TBNN, “We just do not understand the need for this scale. The SBC has been putting this out for years, and it doesn’t do anything other than make them seem elitist, and drive a deeper wedge between our denominations.”

Rev. John Reese, of the PCA, told TBNN, “I just don’t understand the reasoning of the SBC. Our main disagreements are on secondary issues such as baptism and church polity. We may be more Reformed than they are, but does that mean that we only have a 57% chance of being saved?”

In response to Dr. Simpson’s and Mr. Reese’s comments, Pastor Henry Pullen (FBC-Pascagoula, MS) said, “The truth sometimes hurts. Some people don’t want to hear it. We have nothing against other denominations such as the UMC or the PCA. If they would just change and believe exactly what we believe, then I’m sure everything would be hunky-dory. We’re not claiming that the Baptist Faith and Message 2000 came down from heaven on golden plates, but it may have been something like that.”

12 comments:

Richard Boyce said...

Interesting post. When one comes to the understanding that perfect doctrine is unattainable this side of Heaven, it certainly makes one a little more reluctant to pull on the 'ole boxing gloves.


By the way, I have postulated a theory about how to reconcile the sovereignty of God in salvation without infringing upon man's free will. I think the only ones that will enjoy it are the "middle of the fencers" in the group, but I rather enjoyed writing it. It's found in the last half or so of my most recent blog.

www.richard-boyce.blogspot.com


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

DT said...

So, if a church is a member of both ARBCA and the SBC, does that mean its members have a 78.5% chance of being saved?

Elder Eric said...

dt,

No.

ARBCA membership indicates a belief in God's sovereignty over salvation. The SBC cannot stand for this. Thus, the members of that church still have only a 57% chance of reaching heaven.

EE

Anika Q said...

*giggles*

What about us foreign Presbyterians living all the way down here in Australia? Are we permitted to cling to the comfort of having 57% chance of salvation? Or are we immediately discounted as foreign pagans who have no hope until we move northwards?

Elder Eric said...

anika q,

Hmmmm. I'm not certain about that. However, I think your chances of being saved would definitely increase if you moved to a "Christian country." Ha ha.

EE

Anonymous said...

"Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way..."

If a Bible fell out of a plane and landed in the middle of the jungle, whoever picked it up and read it would become Southern Baptist. nuff said!

A loyal, 100% saved SBC calminian!

Anya said...

*gasp*

What about us OPC people?!? ^_^

Jacob Douvier said...

OPC-ers are right out! lol

Are Independent Reformed Baptists lumped together with ARBCA?

Elder Eric said...

Just to address any confusion out there, if you are a part of any denomination or group that is not mentioned in the above listing (or if you consider yourself to be non-denominational), let's just say that your doctrine gives you a 40-60% chance of salvation.

I hope that clears up any uncertainty.

Merry Christmas,

EE

ddd said...

Wow =),

would anyone be kind enough to reveal the equation for calculating the percentages, and the standard deviations for each of the values? I think this would be a good tool to sieve through the 33,000 denominations of Christendom. ... =P

Anonymous said...

Who does the saving anyways? I always thought the Lord did!

Andrew said...

anika q: whereabouts in Oz?