07 November, 2007

Get Your Honorary Doctorate Today!

Have you always wanted to add the title "Doctor" to your name but didn't want to go through all of the schooling and studying to get there? Now here's your chance. Welcome one and all to the Team Tominthebox News Network College of Theological Bloggery.*

As President of the college, I Tom hereby declare the first order of business to be the bestowal of the title of "Doctor of Theological Satire Bloggery (D. TSaB)"* upon myself and our other distinguished authors, Brother Slawson and Elder Eric. From this point forward I shall be known as Dr. Tom, D.TSaB.

And today here's your chance to receive an honorary doctorate from TBNNCTB, plus become a guest writer for a day. Here's how.

1. Simply post a comment in response to this post with your best one-paragraph theological satire news brief (a paragraph constitutes 8-10 sentences). Be sure to include a catchy title for your article. Posts must be made before 12AM CST November 11, 2007
2. Be sure to include a link to your blogsite. All comment posting rules apply. On Monday, November 12th the new "Doctor of Theological Satire Bloggery"* will be named, and a date will be set for you to submit your article for posting. You'll also get a nifty little JPEG image of your "diploma" that you can put up on your blogsite for all to see and be in awe of.

Also, with your honorary doctorate you can proudly refer to yourself as "Doctor" with all of the rights and privileges hitherto pertaining thereof and forthwith unto.*

That's it. We look forward to hearing from you.

Dr. Tom Slawson, D.TSaB

*The Team Tominthebox New Network College of Theological Bloggery is not an accredited institution in any way shape or form. It's actually not even an institution. The degree of "Honorary Doctorate" does not entitle you to any federal, civil or legal benefits of any kind. The nifty little JPEG you will receive if you win will not be a legal document. Upon receiving the "degree," refer to yourself as "Doctor" at your own risk. Your "Honorary Doctorate" will have about as much value as an "Honorary Doctorate" from Hyles-Anderson College or Texas Baptist College.


Brother Slawson said...

Wooo Hoooo!
I'm at a loss for further words.

van walker said...

New Album Hits Stores Today

“Covered By The Blood,” an album of secular music with the lyrical content changed to reflect Christianity, hits Lifeway stores today.

The brainchild of Calvary Baptist youth worship leader Randy Bass, “Covered By The Blood” represents an attempt to engage the minds of our youth with Christian content, through the medium of popular music.

“We got our feet on the Rock and our names on the Roll,” Bass said while flashing the ‘devil’s horns’ hand sign.

Song titles include the following: “Freak On The Cross,” a cover of KoRn’s “Freak On A Leash;” “CominBack,” a cover of Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack;” “Communion Juice,” a cover of Snoop Dogg’s “Gin and Juice;” “Sympathy For The Savior,” a cover of the Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy For The Devil;” and “Highway To Heaven,” a cover of AC/DC’s “Highway To Hell.”

“I mean, you aren’t going to reach today’s youth with stuff like “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God,” Bass said, strumming the tune on his Stratocaster to prove the point. “Sure, it’s all theologically sound and stuff, but it just doesn’t kick aaa…I mean, the kids don’t dig it, dude.”

Calvary Baptist’s pastor, Paul Llewellyn, had this to say: “Our Friday Night Youth Jams have been packed ever since Randy started playing the new music. I don’t know, but it sounds like a night club to me.”


Joe Blackmon said...


Rick Warren, Senior Pastor of Saddleback Community Church, announced the beginning of a new ministry at his church.

“For years, we’ve known that dolphins are mammals,” said Warren “and we’ve suspected that we could communicate with them as shown in the Scooby Doo episode ‘Scooby’s night with a Frozen Fright’. Therefore, we thought God might want to do a new thing in our church. If we could talk to dolphins and share the gospel, perhaps they could be saved.”

Therefore, Warren and his church have started a new ministry called “The Porpoise Driven Life”. Members will swim with dolphins in an attempt to communicate with them to share the gospel.

“We know this will be a challenge,” said one member. “We think we are up to it, even without having invented a Marine Life Communicator like on the Scooby Doo episode. The souls of these mammals are just too important to not take the chance.”

Warren said they plan to expand the ministry to include whales, but that they will have to raise money to expand the pool and have a savings account set up to buy food for the sea creatures.

TBNN will follow this story closely and will continue to update you on this important evangelistic effort.


Jason McNutt said...

Van Walker's only problem is that it is not satire it has already happened. The group Apologetix did this several years ago and probably still does.

Richard Boyce said...


What started as a Spirit-led desire to not resemble the worldly mannerisms of the unsaved population has led the sect of Independent Fundamental Baptists to paint themselves into the proverbial corner.

One spokesman for the group, Jim "My 1611 got me to Heaven" Bob Billy Jones, tried to explain what had happened.

"Welp, we knew that as new creatures with a new song, we couldn't for a moment tolerate this garbage they call contemporary 'christian' music. The WORLD has guitars, we don't need 'em! The WORLD has flashy lights in their 'churches', we don't need 'em!"

Then things went downhill, Jones said. "We realized that the WORLD wore clothing, so we had to stop doing that. We realized that the WORLD ate food, so we quit doing that. Many of us quit working, quit walking, quit showing affection to our families, all because the WORLD did that too. By God, we're Separatists, we're not like the world. In fact, some of our members started killing themselves, just to completely separate ourselves from the WORLD.".....

...."Welp, as our numbers dwindled, we hit the crossroad. We could obey the Bible, be separatists and die, or we could become atheists and not believe that we have to separate like the good ole' sixteen 'leben says. SO we're atheists now. All three of us."

Richard Boyce said...



Chris said...

Joshua Project Update: Southern Baptists Declared 'new unreached people group'.

The popular Joshua Project website recieved a controversial update today. A new people group was added - the Southern Baptists of the United States. The new group has a status of 2.1 on the scale of 'unreachedness', with 100% adherents, but only 15% evangelical. The groups's size is estimated to be between 15 and 17 million; poor reporting of transfers from one 'village' to the next has left the exact number hard to discern. Most Southern Baptists have drifted into a strange new religion known as Americanism. In this religion, a framework of Christian beliefs is used to encompass worship of other gods, such as self, materialism, local church autonomy, and the pursuit of new proselytes. While most of the new group rarely attends an evangelical church, they can often be found in bars, movie theaters, and masonic lodges. Favorite pastimes of the group include arguing about minutae of Biblical trivia, gossiping against intruders (often known as 'Jesus Freaks' or 'Calvinists') into their social structure, and speculating on the exact date that their Savior (but not Lord) will return. A large missions group, The International Missions Board, has pledged to reach this new people group with the Gospel by the year 2018.

(sorry, I have no blog yet...)

DarrinBSEE said...

These guys are good. I definitely don't qualify as I don't even have a site yet, plus I have no imagination, and I'm starting to teach "The Christian in Complete Armour" at church, so I'll be busy with that!

Dr Mike said...


A new study reveals that the tomb of Jesus Christ, found empty by his followers just days after his crucifixion, was actually vacated by God's use of dynamite.

In his new book, Blowing Up for Jesus, Rev. I.B. Wright argues that the Bible itself provides proof of his assertion that a specially shaped charge of spiritual dynamite vaporized Jesus' body prior to the amazed disciples' discovery.

"We all know," said Wright, "that the gospel is dynamite: it is the Greek word dunamis, which means dynamite. But Scripture also tells us that Jesus was raised by the dunamis of God! It was God's dynamite that freed Jesus from the tomb and, probably, what blew the door off!"

This sheds new light into the resurrection, says Wright.

"The miracle of the resurrection is greater than we ever imagined," he declared. "Not only is Jesus alive but God found all the fragments of his body and re-assembled them so he could appear to people during the next few weeks.

"Even better," he concluded, "that power's working in us, too! We're sent out to make a difference, like unstable powder kegs in the world!"

Buyers of the book also receive a music cd produced by Wright, "There's Dynamite in the Blood, Dynamite in the Blood!"

Dr Mike said...

Oh. http://lordofthekingdom.com/.

Henry (Rick) Frueh said...


A new Christian bookstore is offering some new bumper stickers:

Pray this prayer now - I believe. (for assurance call 1-800-678-9090)
Get Rich Now - Ask Jesus How
The Gospel - If You Cannot Understand It - You’re not Supposed To
Submerging into the Emerging
Jesus, Mohammed, Moses - Same Team
Bring Back Concubines
Eunuchs Rule!
Forgiveness/overrated - Revenge/underrated
“Eel symbol” (Emergents are Slippery)
There is one true God and Warren is His messenger
Go Ye into All the World and Bring Democracy
(Christians for Bush)
This Same Clinton Will Come Again
(Dems for Hillary)
Vote For Romney
(Indians for Jesus)
In Case of Rapture I Was Wrong

Book collaborations:

Your Best Life…Later.
By Mother Theresa and Joel Osteen
The Election Driven Life
By John MacArthur and Rick Warren
A Generous Hell
By Brian MacLaren and Fred Phelps
Working Through Sovereignty
By John Calvin and Charles Finney
Cigar Night
By Cosmo Kramer and Charles Spurgeon
Just As I Was
By Billy Graham and Shirley McLain

Order now!

Nora Beerline said...

"Baptist Church Switches to More Biblical Name"

Pastor Ed Stewart of the church formerly known as First Baptist Church of Little Rock, Arkansas, informed TBNN that the name of the church has been changed to Last Baptist Church of Little Rock, Arkansas. "It all started when we formed a committee to review our bylaws," said Pastor Ed. "Sister Martha suggested that this would be a good time to change our name to something more Biblical. She pointed out that Jesus said, 'The first will be last, and the last will be first.' Fearing that the name "First" would make us last, we renamed ourselves "Last" so that we would be first, you see? The only problem is that some of the other Baptist churches in town are now trying to get in on the act, and have named themselves "Last" too. We are now considering changing our name to "Last Last Baptist Church of Little Rock, Arkansas" so that there will be no doubt about who is first, er, last in this town!" TBNN will be keeping its readers updated on this developing situation.

Labels: Could Happen, Biblical Misinterpretation, Just Plain Silly

(Sorry, I don't have a blog!)

Jacob Douvier said...

Compassionate Calvinism

WASHINGTON, DC - Former White House strategist Karl Rove met with leading pastors and theologians Wednesday. In light of declining church membership and attendence, Rove was asked by John Piper, John MacArthur, Mark Dever and other leading members of the Reformed community to formulate an effective strategy to recover lost numbers. Unveiled as "Compassionate Calvinism," Rove's bold plan involves projecting a change in how people view Calvinists. "Everybody knows that Calvinists, like Conservatives, are mean-spirited, tight-fisted and uncaring," one Rove aid said, "Our plan involves redefining Calvinism, making it more accessible to women, undecideds and Arminians." Details of the plan are still being developed, but initial proposals include offering free, fuzzy blankets to vistors on sunday morning, and establishing a sunday school lunch program. "There needs to be a fundamental shift in the way Calvinists run their churches," Rove's aid concluded, "Our plan asks a bold and dramatic question, 'Ask not what you can do for your church, ask what your church can do for you.'"

For more news as this story unfolds, go to http://jdouvier.blogspot.com

Drew Pearce said...

My Entry:
Liberty Does Not Mean Freedom
At least that’s the word from Lynchburg, VA. Liberty University administrators have recently petitioned both Merriam-Webster and the Oxford English Dictionary to change the definition of the word “liberty”. Current definitions include “autonomy” and “freedom of choice”. This concept of liberty has been plaguing the administration at the university for some time. “Students were arriving on campus thinking they could just exercise their supposed freedoms” said LU Provost Ron Godwin. “This is not the impression we want to give them.” Indeed, the University had to pull its old marketing campaign “Liberty means Freedom” after students complained about the abundance of rules and regulations, many of which they felt to be extra-biblical. Some of the replacement definitions that have been suggested are “freedom to obey the rules”, “blind belief in what you are told”, and “unquestioning adherence to authority”. “We’re still waiting to hear from the two dictionaries, “ said Ergun Caner, Dean of Liberty Theological Seminary, “but if all goes well, we’ll also petition for changes to the definitions of ‘election’ and ‘sovereignty’.”


benseventeen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
benseventeen said...

Liberty University: Redefining idol worship

In a recent convocation, Liberty University's administration decided to encourage the student body to engage in idol worship. Normally, God is the focus of worship at Liberty University, but as Jonathan Falwell explained, "God is always going to be there. He never changes, and He loves everyone unconditionally. So we thought it would be a good idea to give our praise to something that might not be around as long... the United States of America."
The idol worship ceremony took place early Wednesday morning. Features of the service included patriotic songs, a video about D-day, and a veteran of the Vietnam war as the keynote speaker. All received a tremendous outpouring of applause from the student body.
Although it was idol worship day at Liberty, the speaker did include a gospel presentation towards the end, which received a lukewarm response. Some of the students even applauded when the speaker said "Jesus Christ died and rose again to conquer sin and death forever!" Clearly though, Jonathan Falwell was right. "We needed something new, something fresh, that will get students excited and pumped up. We thought we could get people stoked about the power of the United States, and we were right."


The Girl in Grey said...

Church of England announces new Christmas publicity Campaign. Attracts Criticism.

Every year the Church of England tries to boost interest in churchgoing with its advertising. Previous campaigns, including the 'Bad Hair Day' campaign have attracted media attention and mockery. This year, however, the Church shocked everyone.
"It's not embarassing, and it's not silly," Dr. Norman Trevelyan of the North Wales College of the Bible said. "That's quite a change."
Others are not so impressed. "Where's the Imagination?" Canon Sandra Byrne complained. "It doesn't engage with popular culture! We could have had an 'Eastenders'-linked poster, but instead we have to have this!"
An official spokesman explained. "We feel that Christmas is over commercialised, and that a fresh, Biblical approach is what is needed. The Bible is the inerrant Word of God, after all, and the Church has to get back to the Bible in order to survive."
So this Christmas the Church of England posters will be boldly proclaiming that "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners."

Label: Never going to happen

apostle paul said...

Strange things are happening around TBNN. It all began after Elder Eric and Brother Slawson accidentally attended a Sword of the Lord conference.
“ We thought we were going to a MacAuthor conference. Boy, we found out real quick we were at the wrong spot” comments Slawson. Known for their Calvinism and disgust for the KJB, the staff of TBNN felt oddly out of place.
“ I think it was when they played a tape of Jack Hyles that things really started to shift” recalls Eric. Soon after, a message was brought on the superiority of the KJB. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Eric and Slawson agree “ I felt as if I where holding a lump of dirt or something- I mean, it just felt so wrong!” Realizing that they needed a KJB, they desperately searched for one in pews. Upon finding one, they made a frantic search for someone that knew Jack Hyles from the past..
Slawson explains,” What we really wanted was a Bible signed by Hyles himself. We knew that was next to impossible, so we settled for the next best thing.”
Recently the staff of TBNN was contacted for another interview. The message on the voice mailbox went as follows: “You have reached the staff of TBNN. We are currently attending Hyles-Anderson College. It then event of an emergency, we can be reached at 555-1611. If you are calling about Calvinism, stop wasting your time. We were dreadfully wrong, If you are calling about Bible versions, throw everything out but the KJB. Thank you, and remember- God loves you, no matter who you are!”


Lance said...

Since 1987, the United Church of Christ (UCC) has been following its mandate to be an open and affirming fellowship. In recent years the UCC – whose roots include various Reformed traditions – has generated considerable media buzz with its ad campaign depicting church patrons being ejected from their pews. The UCC has prided itself in its open and affirming posture towards people of all sexual orientations. So it came as no surprise this week when UCC spokesperson Rev. Jenda Ambigus announced the UCC's latest strategy to add conservative Christians to the list of affirmed people.

“We realized we couldn't continue to call ourselves open and affirming if we didn't include all theological options. Beginning next month, we'll be welcoming our first token conservative into our fellowship. We're not sure why he wanted to join us, but we welcome diversity as long as he joins us for our gay pride parade.”

Reaction to the news has been mixed. Exuberant conservatives from other churches hope for great reforms in this mainline denomination. Longtime UCC members, however, are skeptical.

“We're open and affirming,” said Houston church member, Mauri Bund. “But I'm not sure so sure about these conservatives. The way they insist on getting in your face with their Bibles just makes me feel sick. If they want to read Paul or Peter behind closed doors, that's fine. Just don't subject me and my partner to that kind of stuff. We don't want to see that sort of thing out in the open.”

Rev. Ambigus sympathizes with such concerns, noting that the UCC is currently designing a mandatory sensitivity training course which will aid conservative pastors in creatively “reinterpreting” key biblical passages that might otherwise create disunity.

Blog: http://nhoriginal.blogspot.com

Pastor Erik DiVietro said...

Jesus' Resurrected Blog
Reports of the blog authored by Jesus himself have been circulating around the internet after it was killed by internet authorities. The blog address has been seen in the midst of chatrooms, and when participants click on the link they are often asked if they have anything to eat. The blog can pass through secure firewalls without any sign of hacking; and recently a group encountered the blog while phishing. At least one group of internet experts have already chalked up the blog as a hoax perpetrated by people not willing to admit the blog's demise.

mikeb said...

Joyce Meyer Stuns Colleagues

St. Louis, MO-In a stunning announcement earlier this week, it was revealed that Joyce Meyer, prominent author often associated with the “prosperity gospel”, has decided on some unorthodox cover art for her upcoming book, “I Dare You”. This single act has sent the whole prosperity movement into a whirlwind. “I have decided it may glorify God more to remove my smiling face from the front of the book in an effort to advance the prosperity gospel’s message of Jesus. Therefore, I have moved my picture to the first 15 pages of the book itself.”

As you can imagine, this turn of events has shocked fellow colleagues of Meyer and has caused them to question her salvation. TD Jakes told TTBN, “clearly Joyce doesn’t have enough faith, otherwise she would continue to put her face on the front of the books, God wants us to portray His glory and make much of him through our big heads.” “God does declare that she should smile, and Satan wants this truth defiled. She will not smile on the book, her salvation has the devil took” said Robert Schuller in an odd Dr. Seuss manner, present ever since his proclamation of believing in “Green Eggs and Ham”.

Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, TX, had a little different tone, “I am not mad at Joyce, we are called to love all people, but seriously, why wouldn’t she want to bless everyone who sees her big smiling face by putting it on the cover of her new book. I figure we just need to give everyone a big smile and let them know God loves them.”

Joyce said that she started thinking about a Bible passage in which God declares that “he will not share his glory with another”. “How can I continue to plaster my big face on the front of every book I write if God doesn’t want to share his glory? It hit me that maybe the only reason I was putting my face on the front of the book was to advance my own glory. What is more, it seemed to me that among the "Seven Things That Steal People’s Joy (a recent book of Meyers), my picture tops the list and I couldn’t bear the thought of that any longer.”

Kenneth Copeland, upon hearing Meyers’ statements declared that he himself struggled with the thoughts of taking away from God’s glory but after much prayer was convinced that God wanted him to face his fears and declare victory over the traditional book covers, which declare nothing more than mundane artwork. “We are made in the image of God and I have declared victory over the fear of putting my face on a book. I have claimed it in the name of Jesus and have resolved to establish my face as God’s viceroy to sell books.”

As you can imagine, this single act of self sacrifice has even caused fans of Meyers to question her and their own faith. “I simply cannot believe that after all of these years, Joyce is waivering in her convictions. I feel like I have been duped into believing a lie, and all because of something she read in the Bible.”

Benny Hinn believes that this change in heart is do to demon oppression and has already begun planning a conference in which he will slay Joyce in the spirit once again and free her.

Meyer has defended herself and her decision and points to the fact that the first 15 pages will be dedicated to as a “picture portrait” for the Lord to use as he wills. Clearly, this is unprecedented in the prosperity realm and many are questioning whether any of their claims of victory are even true at all. “If Joyce can remove her picture from the front cover, I may not even be able to fight the battle in my mind and be the best me I can be”, exclaims a disenchanted follower, “her picture was the reason I bought the book, it was cathartic to have her looking at me.”

It is clear that for some time, the authors of this movement have had very little substance to offer in the form of writing and have used their powerful image to invoke a sense of relevance. TTBN asked Juanita Bynum, the newest member of what they deem as “the big face club”, whether or not this would have an adverse effect, “the questioning of this practice is detrimental to all of these theologians who have not been gifted with a theological foundation to ministry and rely on other means to move people”.

Only time will tell whether this act has a ripple effect on the movement itself, but one thing is for sure, Joyce Meyer has created a much needed examination of the theology behind the big pictures, and now it seems it will finally be had.

Jim Pemberton said...

Joel Osteen Repents

In a new book by Joel Osteen, entitled Still Living an Average Life, Osteen reveals that a study by the Barna Research Group discovered that the people who followed his teaching were no wealthier than people who didn't. In the book Osteen wrote, "I repent that I have not spoken clearly enough in the past. The fact that I have the largest church in the United States is evidence that the message of prosperity works. However, my followers must not be applying this truth effectively." Osteen says he plans to restore the use of his church as an arena for sports and concerts during the week and give the money to the people who attend his church so they can show financial gains. "God will bless this effort and prove that He wants us to have all that we desire," said Osteen in a press release following the release of his book in stores.