30 October, 2007

Caner Proposes "New and Improved" 95 Theses

LYNCHBURG, VA - Ergun Caner, president of Liberty Theological Seminary, stunned the evangelical world yesterday by proposing a "new and improved" version of Martin Luther's 95 Theses.

According to Caner, "On October 31st, 1517, Martin Luther protested against the abuses of the Roman Catholic Church in Europe. In the spirit of Luther, I today protest against the abuses of Calvinism in America."

What are these "new and improved" theses? TBNN has read through Dr. Caner's list, and we have listed below those we think are the most significant:

1) When our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ, said "Repent," He desired for the whole world to freely turn to Him.

5) John Piper, Al Mohler, and Mark Dever do not have the power to force Calvinism on evangelical churches in this country.

24) It must therefore be the case that the major part of the people (Calvinists) are deceived by those leaders proclaiming the sovereignty of God over salvation.

37) Any true Christian whatsoever has the right to reject God whenever he chooses.

53) Those are enemies of Christ who forbid the notion that God desires that all people everywhere be saved.

65) Therefore the treasures of the gospel are nets which are spread out everywhere for all men.

71) Let him be anathema and accursed who denies a general atonement of Christ.

92) Away, then, with those prophets who say to Christ's people, "God's grace is irresistible."

Caner concluded by saying, "May these new and improved theses lead to a new Reformation in this country. May we gain a greater view of the love and mercy of God through a more biblical view of the grace of God."

After the speech, one rebellious Liberty student was overhead asking Dr. Caner why he thought Martin Luther wrote his famous work On the Bondage of the Will. Caner responded, "Nobody, not even me, is right about everything."

Later in the day, at a meeting of the Liberty Arminian Defense Club (LADC), Caner announced that on Wednesday, Reformation Day, he will sticky-tack his document to the front door of Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, DC. What does he hope to accomplish? "We need to confront this heresy at its front door!"

When told of Caner's plan, Mark Dever responded, "The Calvinator is one tough guy. We'll have to trust in the sovereignty of God to stop him."

7 comments:

Richard Boyce said...

Hey now, play nice. Caner isn't exactly a scholar, but he did allow himself to be shot with a tazer during campus church last week. That gives him bonus points, lol.

Darrin said...

Looks like he's a leader of the Deformation.

Westmin said...

f I Only Had a…….

I can go any web board
And talk about the good Lord
Sayin stuff that's oh so lame
Talkin ‘bout the Christian victr’y
Usin’ statements contradictr’y
Cuz I am Arminy-ain

Now you needn’t be too wary
If all I say is quite contrary
And I wish you would refrain
From sayin' I sound like I bin drinkin
Cuz it’s only cuz I’m thinkin
Like a good Arminy-ain

Now all y’all just keep chillin
After all I’m just free willin
So's I really ain't ta blame
And I know you would concur sir
The situation would be worser
If I was Pelaigy-ain.

And I can’t be Calvinistic
Cuz it’s just too darn sadistic
I think all them guys insane

(they’re nuts!)

So “no thanks” is what I hand ‘em
‘Sides I just can’t understand ‘em
All them big words hurt my brain

Cuz I am Arminy-ain.

Anonymous said...

Yes, God desires all to be saved, which is WHY He judged the earth with the flood thousands of years ago..

Clay said...

Are you sure he was posting it in DC? They had the front entrance to the main building here at LU fenced off the last couple days; they told us it was for construction, but maybe it was to protect the new theses from Calvinist counter-revolutionaries.

benseventeen said...

This could have been a lot funnier... what about:

"Christians are elected because they selected."

"Calvinists are worse than muslims."

"God hated Esau because of what Esau did."

reformed trucker said...

Westmin: thanks for the laugh! [note to self:don't drink liquids while reading satire on computer...may shoot out your nose onto keyboard!]. Michael