15 September, 2007

Take A Bite Out of Thine

Arlington, VA – Pastor MacGruph, President of the National KJV Annihilation Council (NKAC), wants to encourage parents and guardians in your church to “Pray it Safe”. “There are several easy ways you can pray for and participate in the complete annihilation of the outdated, obsolete, confusing KJV Bible,” said MacGruph. “Our goal may take more than a generation, so we must begin by protecting the children.” NKAC ideas include:


· Just Say “NO” to KJV

· If You Find a KJV, Don’t Touch

· If a KJV Bully Picks on You, Stand up

· Always Memorize Verses From Your Own Bible


· Organize a KJV trade-in program or KJV safety lock program (for encouraging proper storage of old family Bibles that are kept for “Births and Deaths” or the "Maps" sections.)

· Work with local pastors to collect used, new, or unwanted KJV Bibles or distribute lock boxes.

· To encourage the trade-in of KJV Bibles, offer enticing incentives such as canned baked hams, Hee-Haw VHS videos, Ryan’s Family Steakhouse coupons, or confederate flags.

· Guarantee anonymity for all owners of KJV Bible contributors. Have a “no questions asked” policy.

· Be sure to include an educational component that reinforces the possible negative impacts of KJV memorization and the importance of safely storing any KJV Bibles that remain in the home.

· Assure program participants that most KJV Bibles are made out of recyclable paper that will not be placed in landfills.


Guardians cannot physically be present every second. Even if they were, it would not be proper for adults to openly confront a Sunday School teacher, a VBS leader, an AWANA Commander, a Pastor over for dinner, or even visiting relatives. We would never recommend that an adult attempt to forcibly remove a KJV Bible from anyone (especially a KJV-Only fundamentalist) . But with the proper encouragement, children as young as 3 or 4 can be trained to innocently and swiftly place KJV Bibles in a nearby trashcan or recycling bin. This training and alertness program (DVD only) is called TIMBER Alerts. TIMBER stands for: ‘Thy’ In My Bible Equals Removal.


  1. Bracelets: Inscribed with 'Take a Bite Out of Thine'
  2. Bookmarks: Pictorial lessons of how to 'Avoid KJV Bullies'
  3. Coloring Book: Entitled 'Real Bibles' (Note: No KJV Bibles are pictured at all; not even with a Ghost-Buster's symbol. All Bibles pictured within the coloring book are clearly labeled as NIV, HCSB, ESV, or MacArthur)


Anonymous said...

My KJV is pretty nice. It's a Cambridge with French Moracco leather. What are the chances I could get one of those spiral cut honey baked hams as a trade off? I'd only consider doing it because I have two.

Clay said...

Due to the grave community danger the KJV can pose in irresponsible hands, we should also implement at least minimal FBI background checks and a three day waiting period prior to any new purchase.

Jacob Douvier said...

Beware of reprisals from the Ruckman cartel...

Darrin said...

We should all move to the Living Bible. Much better than KJV. Just kidding.

ComputerSherpa said...

I wonder if we'll have NIV-only fundamentalists in 50 years...

Lew A said...

I think I'm a The Street Bible Version only person...

Genesis 1:1 "First off, nothing. No light, no time, no substance, no matter.
Second off, God starts it all off and WHAP! Stuff everywhere!"



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John said...

Confederate Flags? Watch out, here in the South you're gonna have a massive trade in of KJV's.

Brother Slawson said...

Anon... a difficult aspect of the spiral cut is the refrigeration

Clay... love the 3 day wait!

Jacob... I got an email from the Ruckmanites today... I'm drafting an apology letter

Darren... ANYTHING is better than the KJV

Comp... I think we have them now.

Lew... I searched on biblegateway.org but couldn't find that version.

John... seriously (may be the first time I've said that on this site), I visited a church for revival once... and the preacher said from the pulpit something like, "we are confederate baptist, we only use the King James Version."