22 September, 2007

Monetary Restitution for Sin of Adam

Atlanta, GA -- Horace Greenlee of Atlanta, Georgia has struggled his entire 45-year life... so far. And what does he have to show for it? "I've got a 900 square foot house with a subprime mortgage and a HELOC. I have a used pickup, $13,000 in credit card debt, and I pay $650 a month in child support payments. I need my roof fixed, my teeth fixed, and my dogs fixed," said Horace as he unloaded two 50-pound bags of Ol' Roy from the pick-up and carried them to the front porch, placing them between the orange cloth couch and old Maytag washing machine.

Horace paused and said with a grin, "My day will be here soon. I will have restitution. The sinners will pay." His hope for relief started about six months back when he jotted down the phone number of Martha Clarkson, his attorney, from a billboard over I-285 on his way to Conyers to visit a cousin. "My life has changed now."

Horace is referring to his $4,000,000 lawsuit against the top 400 richest Americans. He is asking $10,000 from each for restitution for the sin of Adam. "If it wasn't for their ancestor, I wouldn't be in the shape I'm in. I work. I sweat. Look at my brow. Do you see that? Do you see the sweat? If each one of the 400 just gave me $10,000, I could live. I could really live."

Horace is very well aware that his hardship can be traced back directly to one event... Adam's sin. "Sin brought all this on me. Sin is the reason I'm in debt. Sin is the reason I ache. Sin is the reason my heels are bruised. Sin is the reason my girlfriends travailed in the births of my kids. Sin is the reason I groan. Sin, sin, sin. There is no doubt in my mind as to the reason for my troubles. It's sin!" exclaimed Horace.

"Someone is responsible for that very sin that has brought pain to Mr. Greenlee's life. You know who it is? It's the direct fore-father of all those rich Americans," explained Clarkson. "It's none other than Adam."

TBNN representatives in town, had a few questions which Clarkson was glad to answer.

TBNN: "Why sue only the Americans? Why not sue the wealthiest people in the world?"
Clarkson: "That's easy. Horace is an American. We must work within the American legal system."

TBNN: "Why do you feel that the richest Americans are responsible for restitution for the sin of Adam? Why not all Americans?"
Clarkson: "What is $10,000 to a billionaire? They won't even miss it. Besides, on Friday the new top 400 list came out, the poorest person on that list is worth $1.3 billion. In the time it took me to say '$1.3 billion' each of them just made $10,000. See, they just made another $10,000.... and another... and another $10,000."

TBNN: "Have these rich Americans really done anything wrong to Horace?"
Clarkson: "Under the restitution principal of unjust enrichment, liability for doing wrong has nothing to do with it. Claims of unjust enrichment do not depend on proof of any wrong-doing."

TBNN: "Isn't Horace a descendent of Adam also?"
Clarkson: "We're not talking about Horace here. We are talking about a bunch of rich people who have unjustly been enriched at the expense of Horace. Look at their lives then look at his. There's no comparison. We're seeking restitution, but at a minimum, compensation is required. The act of their forefather is unconscionable."

Horace admits that he has been very distraught since discovering that the sin of those rich Americans' ancestor not only has been the cause of his pain, but also is apparently the main reason that he must die. "I'm gonna die! Did you hear me. I'm gonna die because of that sin! I could be living happy and free in the Garden of Eden. I know I'll go to Heaven one day because of Jesus and all that stuff, but I suffer today. I know we don't need money in Heaven, but a few extra dollars to ease my pain on earth would sure come in handy. "


Joe Blackmon said...

"...my girlfriends travailed in the birth of my children..." That brought tears to my eyes I laughed so hard. But we know this is satire because for a suit like this to take place, the American legal system would have to acknowledge God and that ain't gonna happen.

Darrin said...

As by one man's sin, many were inconvenienced, so by one lawyer, maybe a guy could get some cash out of it ... Isn't that in Romans?

Good theological satire. Wonder how much the total depravity and damnation Adam caused him is worth? At least 20 mil, I'd think.

Cristy said...

Whew, I'm so glad to see comments here. I was worried that we might have to get out the coddle cootie again for Brother Slawson. :)

Seriously, though, I thought this was funny, Brother Slawson. I particularly like the parts about child support and girlfriendS travailing in childbirth. I actually know people though that would think this was a good idea!

Clay said...

Note to self: This would make a great class-action after law school, maybe enough that I could retire on just this one case; must remember to include Greenless as defendant, though - he's obviously being unjustly enriched, himself, not sharing his 4 mill with the rest of us. . . .

Brother Slawson said...

Joe... I had it as "X-wives" in the original and changed it to girlfriends on a whim.

Darren... too funny

Clay... Hey! Add me to the suit!

Christy, my dear sister... I have no more need for the Coddle Cootie. I'm sure the lack of commenting could not be due to a lack of superior articles written by me... but rather because of Tom and Elder Eric hogging all of the prime-time article days of the week (Monday-Friday), while I am stuck with Saturday morning when we 3 and 10 other people read the articles. Therefore, I am putting Tom and Elder Eric on notice that, for restitution, I am suing for 5 comments from each (they are each to find 5 friends who will comment on Saturday).