09 August, 2007

Zondervan Launches "Build-A-Bible"

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - TBNN has learned that Zondervan plans to launch a new advertising campaign just in time for the Christmas rush. The new Zondervan ad blitz will promote their newest, greatest product: The Build-A-Bible.

In the past, Zondervan has offered choice to customers when they are looking for bibles. Options have included various bible versions, multiple cover colors, and numerous study bibles. This has been good, but not good enough. The obvious solution, according to Zondervan spokeswoman Elaine Wallace, is to give the customer the choice in every option of the bible purchase.

Wallace told TBNN, "Zondervan has always wanted to offer the most free-choice to the customer, and now we can deliver on that. Instead of picking from one of, say, 30 different bibles, the customer can now, literally, build his or her own bible."

How does this actually happen? Wallace spelled out the process to us, "The customer will simply go to our website and fill in a Build-A-Bible form. Options are wide ranging. We will, of course, offer all of the current options. However, the greatest new tool is that the customer can pick and choose what sections of scripture he or she wants in his or her bible. We have thought a lot about this, and have some advice for folks of different denominations. For example, our Catholic customers might want to leave out passages that indicate that salvation comes through God's grace alone (Eph. 2:1-10). Methodists probably need to request that we not put Ephesians chapter 1 in their bibles because that chapter is so strong on God's sovereignty; actually we would probably also have to delete Eph. 2, John 6 & 10, and Romans 8-11. Presbyterians may want to delete passages, such as Acts 2:38, that suggest that repentance comes before baptism."

This was shocking to us at TBNN. We asked if she had any more advice.

"Of course," replied Wallace, "Southern Baptists can leave out passages condemning pride (Prov. 16:18), the Disciples of Christ can delete scripture that makes it clear that baptism is not required for salvation (Rom. 10:9-10), and Unitarians can leave out most of the bible, especially John 14:6. As for the cults, they already have their own false writings to rely on."

"Is that all?" we inquired hopefully.

Wallace responded, "Why, no. If you have a woman pastor, you can ignore/delete I Timothy 2:8-15. If your church has one strong senior pastor, then you can ignore the many N.T. passages that show that churches were led by multiple pastor/elders. If you think remarriage is O.K. after divorce, feel free to wipe out I Corinthians 7:10-11. Finally, if you are a hyper-Calvinist and think that missions is a waste of time, then we'll cut out Matthew 28:19-20 and Acts 1:8 for you.

"We can even repeat certain scriptures for emphasis, and place them at key points throughout the bible. One idea we had for our egalitarian customers is to place Galatians 3:28 at the very beginning of each of the 66 books."

Wallace concluded, "The choice is yours. You have complete free-will over this decision. Build a bible the way you have always wanted it. Meet your needs through the word of God, or at least the words you want."

You can find Build-A-Bible at www.watchoutforthelightningboltoveryourhead.com.


Brother Slawson said...

Can I add a new book or letter? Say "Slawsotians" to put in some of the things that have revealed directly to me and no one else?

Joseph said...

First and Second Opinions? The Book of Hesitations? I'm all for it. Like Build-a-Bear, you can have the Bible speak for you with a custom voice (that tickles your ear).

kentlee7 said...

I followed the link and it didn't work. I feel kinda gipped. I wanted to custom design a dispensationalist Bible, with the books and chapters reorganized in an arbitrary, convoluted manner, so as to disrupt the intended flow of God's plan of salvation. I mean, if everything's in the right order, people might interpret things according to covenant theology. Wouldn't want that, would we? (Just 'cuz the whole Bible talks about or is organized around God's covenant of grace and sovereignty...?)

Darrin said...

Good concept with this "bible" - putting in hardcopy what most of us already do in our minds and lives. I'd also suggest taking out the verses relating to the vanity and dangers of materialism, as these would trouble the vast majority of us western believers if given serious thought.

How blessed that we do have the whole counsel of God available to us ... Line upon line, precept upon precept

Soli Deo gloria

Les said...

Excellent! Does that mean I could create a Bible solely geared for women? That would go great with the Feminist movement! :) (Of course, passages regarding godly submission and the woman's role in the church would have to be omitted...)

From a woman's perspective, that particular adaptation of the Bible would be detrimental to society...just like the feminist movement has been.

As usual...great blog!

ICE said...

I laughed out loud when I read the name of the link at the end... what a hoot!

Elle/Desia said...

That was really good! Thanks for the laugh.

Tim said...

Of course, you could customize your Bible the way Rick Warren did in PDL: start with a dozen translations/paraphrases, and pick your favorite version of each verse.

Warren purposely made you do some grunt work to find out which version each verse came from, so obviously the source isn't as important as the fact that a particular version has the wording that supports whatever point you wish to argue.