02 August, 2007

Try Invitationall!

(And now an important word from from our sponsor...)

At the end of the church service are you too exhausted to stand?
When the final hymn drags on and on, do your legs feel like they are about to give out? What can you do when you are a Southern Baptist and cannot take Spiritryl? If this describes you, then you need the new steroid
Invitationall.

By the time Sunday morning rolls around, you need a break. If you are anything like the typical American family, you have it rough. From Monday through Friday, you work hard to support your family. On Saturdays, you play hard with your kids all day. Sunday should be a day of rest. Don't forget the fourth commandment - "Remember the Sabbath day."


By Sunday morning, you are wiped out. Our guess is that you rush around to get ready for church, toss the kids in the van, paint on a smile, and arrive at Sunday School late because one of your children would not stop crying at the nursery drop-off. During the AM service, you are a bit refreshed (that Sunday School coffee and donut helped perk you up), but you also know the dreaded invitation is coming.
We know what you are thinking: "I just can't sing twelve verses of
Just as I Am or Trust and Obey. I want to do my best, but I just don't have it in me this morning." Never fear, Invitationall is here.

We know that if you are a Southern Baptist, you probably aren't allowed to speak in tongues, so you can't take Spiritryl to get you pumped up. You may already be taking Calvinix, but that won't help you with "end of service fatigue."

Invitationall
is a minor steroid that is simple to use, and you can even buy it legally over-the-counter at Wal*Mart. You only have to take it twice a week, on Friday and Saturday nights right before you go to bed. It works whether you are singing old hymns or new remixes.

The results have been outstanding.
Sarah Jacobs, member at First Baptist Church of Jacksonville, told
TBNN, "I used to have to sit down after seven verses, but now I can make it to the end every Sunday. I can't explain it, but I have more stamina and energy. My legs feel great. Last week we went through 17 verses. I hope we can break the record this week with 20!"

Try new
Invitationall and boost your performance during the longest service!


Side-effects include irritability, reduced fertility, anxiety, and a craving for at least one more re-dedicated soul.

Invitationall is co-sponsored by the First Baptist Church of Jacksonville and Southwestern Baptist Seminary.


8 comments:

DT said...

If only they had Invitationall back when I was Arminian! I remember invitations that lasted over an hour - and that's not an exaggeration!

Les said...

This would have been great to use when I was in college and we had 5 services a day during our "spring break".

BTW - Love the side effects!!

Lee Shelton said...

Available only to whosoever will.

darrin said...

Those look like my fish oil capsules: Are you just another fish oil salesman? But I might suggest instead that the congregation just take a break and be permitted to visit the espresso bar in the foyer before the invitation.

Sewing said...

What would you do that had someone like Edwards ("Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God") or Spurgeon ("Election no Discouragement to Seeking Souls")? Man, you'd need to down a whole bottle of the stuff!

Sewing said...

Understanding what "Invitationall" would mean from a Calvinist point-of-view, that is....

GOODNIGHTSAFEHOME said...

I don't know whether the Romanists give appeals in their churches, but one of the side effects effectively means that you can't market Invitationall outside Mass on Sundays.

John said...

As an actual member of FBC Jacksonville, I can agree that under our previous pastor that product would have been very well received! Especially during those pastors conferences double sermons.


Keep up the good work. Your posts have been great to read.