21 July, 2007

So Easy A Calvinist Can Do It

Once again, it appears Calvinists will be the center of ridicule on a national scale. One of our TBNN investigators was somehow able to obtain preliminary ad campaign information from GEICO.

A source within GEICO, who wished to remain anonymous, did admit that Calvinists better fit the type of sapiens GEICO is targeting. "First of all, our research indicates that Calvinists are not very bright. One brilliant theologian and leader of a major university was recently quoted as saying 'Calvinists are Stupider than Cavemen.' Second, from our understanding, the Calvinist beliefs may be a better analogy of the way in which GEICO chooses customers. We are the selectors. The insured are the selected. Our insurance is not available to all. A Calvinist mascot helps us to better get this point across."

Sources also report if the preliminary ad campaign is successful, future anticipated campaigns include: "Don't Call GEICO, GEICO will Call You," "You Can Run, but You can't Hide from GEICO," and "Once Insured with GEICO, Always Insured with GEICO."

But, why the cavemen emblems and extra hair on John Piper? "We've kept most of the old Caveman symbolism and brands for ease of recognition," explained the anonymous GEICO rep. "We are confident the switch from Caveman to Calvinist will go unnoticed by most non-Calvinist."

We at TBNN can only imagine the potential negativism and rumors that may be propagated by the non-Reformed: "Will our small world be able to absorb the impending backlash of those vile Calvinists? Given the blog-blazing and overruns levied by Calvinists worldwide after the airline industry adopted a Calvinist-mocking trifold (by one "Tom S" who, for safety, has since fled the country with his family), Armenians everywhere should be on red alert."

Sunday July 22, 2007 2:30pm

Tom: Please rise and state your name?
Brother Slawson: um… Brother Slawson
Tom: You may be seated. Brother Slawson, are you aware of the nature of the charges against you?
Bro: I think so.
Tom: Brother Slawson, you are being charged with the crime of “going too far.” How do you plead?
Bro: Not guilty, sir.
::skipping other preliminaries::
Tom: Brother Slawson, you were entrusted with passwords and code so that you could personally post and edit information on TBNN, is that correct?
Bro: Yes, but…
Tom: Are you the sole author of the post, “So Easy a Calvinist Can Do It” published on July 21, 2007 at Tominthebox News Network?
Bro: Yes, but..
Tom: Brother Slawson, are you secretly an Arminian?
Bro: No sir. I am not an Armenian, um… Arminian. I am a Calvinist. My beliefs are reformed.
Tom: um… yes… Brother Slawson, will you please explain how you can call yourself “reformed” and post an edited photo of John Piper wearing caveman hair?
Bro: It was meant to be a play on Geico’s fictitious reliance on the consult of Ergun Caner, who, fictitiously had made the statement “Calvinists are stupider than cavemen.”

Tom: And that was supposed to be funny, why?
Bro: Well, Caner has been quoted in real life as saying “Calvinists are worse than Muslims.” It seemed funny on that Saturday night around midnight when I wrote the article, to imagine that Caner convinced Geico that they should have a theme consistent with “Calvinists are stupider than cavemen.”
Tom: And, you believed this to be funny?
Bro: Yes. My wife and I had a real good laugh at the thought.
Tom: What were your consumption habits on that evening?
Bro: All we had was stir fry with chicken. Oh, and for dessert I had corn flake peanut butter bars. Admittedly, it was a double helping. Also I guess, earlier in the day I consumed a 20-oz sugar-free “Rock Star” energy drink around 4 that afternoon on the way home from work.
Tom: “Rock Star” hmm? I see. Have you been experimenting with any Calvinix lately?
Bro: Absolutely not. I like and welcome reformed thought.
Tom: So, you say you attribute the statement “Calvinist are stupider than cavemen” to Caner. Why didn’t you put this citation in the article?
Bro: I did, but it was not explicit. There were imbedded links within the article. For example, the “secret” Geico source who supplied the preliminary ad to TBNN was really the Geico Gecko. If you clicked on “source,” it took you to a picture of the Gecko. Likewise, if you clicked on “brilliant theologian and leader” it took you to Ergun Caner’s website.
Tom: And you believe Caner to be a brilliant theologian and leader?
Bro: NO! It was a fictitious quote within the satire that the Gecko source had ratted out.
Tom: I see. But none of this explains how you could mutilate a picture of John Piper.
Bro: Ok. I admit I’ve had second thoughts about that particular picture. Piper is in the top 10 of my favorite teachers of all time. He is truly my favorite living human teacher. I’m sorry to those I offended.
Tom: So you admit the post was a mistake?
Bro: Well, Calvinists are traditionally studiers and readers and seekers of truth. I thought our Calvinist readers would read the article carefully and realize it was a slam on Caner. Besides, in my humble opinion, would anyone actually believe that an Arminian could develop a cartoon of that caliber?
Tom: So you are saying the cartoon was, in part, a slam on the inability of Arminians to write such cartoons?
Bro: Sure. It was also in the vein of the airline’s trifold explaining how to avoid Calvinists. It was in the vein of Calvinix, with the goal of avoiding Calvinist thoughts. It was playing on the how Arminians would like to make fun of Calvinists, though most don’t have the horsepower.
Tom: That clears things up some for me.
Bro: Thank you.
Tom: However, you are on probation and must put a disclaimer at the bottom of your posts until such a time that I deem it can be removed. Also, you must re-label the post in question as “Way Over the Top”
Bro: Yes Sir.


W.A. Foote said...

Oh! now I understand its not assurance of the saints, its insurance of the saints. How ever, how do I know if I've been predestined for GEICO insurance?

W.A. Foote said...

Brother Slawson,

I have to say this one is priceless. I have had to go back and read it several times now, each time I laugh even harder. Do you know what it fells like to have coffee come out of you nose? It really burns but I have to say it was worth it. Great work with all the extra links, Ergun Caner "One brilliant theologian and leader" LOL. And don't worry I think Toms location is safe for now, I know I'm not going to tell.

Once again this one is priceless! Keep up the good work. I have come to need Tom in the Box in the morning as much as I need my coffee.

God bless all who participate in this site.
W.A. Foote

Brother Slawson said...

W.A. Foote,

I knew I was taking a chance of being misunderstood with this one. Thank you for the careful read and the encouragement.

Sola Scriptura,
Brother Slawson

Jim Pemberton said...

It makes me wonder if some Arminians will now think that Calvinists will be able to be insured whether or not we pay our premiums.

DT said...

Was this post really that misunderstood?

Peter Kirk said...

The disclaimer "Not Available to Certain Individuals" is a great touch here. Surely consistent five point Calvinists should put this disclaimer on any evangelistic literature they produce.

Lincoln said...

This is bar none, one of the funniest satires I've ever seen on Calvinism. Brilliant. :-D As one who is sick of the overexposed presence Calvinists have in the blogosphere, this was a much needed antidotal post on the subject!

Lincoln said...

It's too bad you're really a Calvinist though, methinks the humor would shoot up tenfold the day you abandon this racist Reformed nonsense. :-)

Anonymous said...

I don't think lincoln gets it. The funniest satire is that which is so clever that even the subjects of the joke don't get it. That being said and given a couple of the comments above, this is HILARIOUS.