20 July, 2007

Phinney Pharmaceuticals Issues Recall on Calvinix


Phinney Pharmaceuticals issued a statement on Thursday that it will recall over 50,000 bottles of Calvinix due to what the company called "defects" in the product. The company's president, Quinton LeGrange commented on the reason for the recall.

"It has been discovered that a significant number of bottles of Calvinix are defective, and rather than inhibiting Calvinist and Reformed thoughts it actually strengthens them, causing one to become more open to the reformed faith."

The problem was first discovered back in March of this year, soon after Calvinix was first released when Terry and Lynn Bishop of Nashville, Tennessee first complained that the medicine was not working properly. The Bishops, formerly Episcopalians, left their church after becoming frustrated with liberal trends in their denomination. They were attracted at first to the Presbyterian church, and liked the conservative expository preaching, but not the Calvinism. So the decided that they would take Calvinix before visiting.

"We went to one sermon. One sermon!" said Terry. "After that one sermon Lynn and I were riding home and I said to her, 'You know, it really does make sense. I can really see God's sovereignty in salvation.' And she just agreed with me."

Since then over 35,000 people who have taken the drug have reported that their understanding and accepting of Calvinism has only increased.

"We plan to issue a full refund on the product" stated LeGrange. "We are also working on a remedy to reverse the effects of Calvinism once they've already taken hold."

8 comments:

W.A. Foote said...

Hey! Late post? No full story link? I cant take it, I'm going through withdraw. I need my satire fix! how long will it be? Help!! I need the full story link. =)

W.A. Foote said...

Thank you for the full story link. My trimmers and blurred vision are better now.

W.A. Foote said...

"We are also working on a remedy to reverse the effects of Calvinism once they've already taken hold."

If Phinney Pharmaceuticals really wants to reverse the effects of Calvinism, maybe they should talk to those teaching Federal Vision theology. That method seems to be working well.

brent said...

The flaw is in trying to medicate symptoms. There is obviously a deeper issue here. Aren't they aware that Calvinix alone is only 38.4% effective. Studies clearly indicate that regular counseling sessions while taking Calvinix is the most effective means to eradicating this dreaded and debilitating disease. Also, you should never take Calvinix while drinking real wine during communion.

AConservativeBlog said...

For those who do not have an HMO or insurance that pays for this particular medication, there is a less expensive alternative. It requires that the person desiring to avoid any reformed theology to merely set aside all sound, expository sermonizing and head directly to a nice fluffy pew where you can hear 3 points and a poem followed by a rousing rendition of 17 verses of "Just as I Think I Am".

The results of such actions are quite staggering to watch unfold, and are in fact, almost as entertaining as watching TBN 24/7!!

Jim Pemberton said...

The mistake may be in confusing Calvinism with hyper-Calvinism. Created by theologians who can't tell the difference, the drug prevents hyper-Calvinistic teaching to take root in the mind of the hearer. Instead, they are getting full doses of authentic Calvinism for which they are completely unprepared.

Sewing said...

Jim Pemberton: Brilliant!

Another method of avoidance is to simply not read the Bible, or to deliberately read it out of order in bits and pieces in order to avoid the single narrative thread from Genesis to Revelation....

"The Bishops ['bishop' <== Greek episkopos], formerly Episcopalians...." Unintentional pun?

Darrin said...

Being new to the site, I appreciate the various articles regarding Calvinix, as I am now enlightened. I was wondering why churchgoers recoil at the least whisper of "Reformed" when they don't know what it means... Apparently most of the pills are effective - they make you think God's grace is not!