11 June, 2007

Zondervan Plans Release of TNAIRSECCLKJMV Translation

GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN

Zondervan Publishing announced on Monday that they plan to release yet another English translation of the Bible in 2008. The new translation known as Today's New American International Revised Standard English Christian Contemporary Living King James Message Version will feature, what Zondervan calls "the best of every English translation out there."

The TNAIRSECCLKJMV (called the 't-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee' for short) began five years ago as an effort to produce the "absolute best and perfect translation of the Bible in English."

"This is the culmination of many years of scholarship and study" said Kurt James, editor in charge of the translation. "When this comes out next year this will be the absolute best English translation that you can buy. I have no doubt that the t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee will become the most popular and most widely read English translation in the world in just a few short years."

The TNAIRSECCLKJMV claims to be the first English translation that accurately "captures every nuance and subtlety of the original languages" making it "the last English translation that will ever need to be done." As a result Zondervan plans to also include a campaign to "trade in your old Bible."

"Once you have the t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee you will never need any other translation of the Bible" said James. "You will also never here another pastor who uses this translation ever reference the Greek or Hebrew again because this translation perfectly captures every meaning of every Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic word."

Zondervan further claims that the TNAIRSECCLKJMV is also the first English translation in which all issues of translation that were once controversial in the past have been resolved.

"There were absolutely no disputes over any translations when we got done" said James. "We feel so confident in this translation that from now when we put the Bible into any other language we're going to translate it not from the originals but from the
t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee. No other English translation can claim that."

The
TNAIRSECCLKJMV is set to be released in the last spring of 2008. The Bible will be available in bonded leather, genuine leather, calf skin, hardback, pew, wide-margin, extra large print, extra small print, and pocket sized in a variety of colors. Zondervan also plans to release multiple study versions of the Bible for teens, women, young men, old men, married men, single men, single women, married women, divorced men, divorced women, men contemplating marriage, women contemplating marriage, men contemplating divorce, women contemplating murder, teens contemplating dating, dating men, dating women, old people with pets, old people with teens, teens who live with old people, and people with lisps.


16 comments:

Horizon said...

Kick-awesome! I want a t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee! :D

Anonymous said...

What about a study versions for a young single man living with a older divorced women just out of prison for murder who has a Glass eye and lot of pets?

Les said...

Funny stuff! At last they'll be settling on one...and so many study versions to fit all walks of life! It's perfect! Too bad God didn't do it that way in the first place. It's about time man perfected God's Word. After all, God left too many "gray areas" that we need to fix to fit our lives...I mean...to provide clarity.

(Sadly, it does seem that new "versions" of scripture are released all the time. Why can't we just let God's Word be God's Word?)

Lee Shelton said...

Finally! A Bible for today's Christian!

Chris said...

"(Sadly, it does seem that new "versions" of scripture are released all the time. Why can't we just let God's Word be God's Word?)"

I would tend to agree with this with a couple exceptions. I really like the ESV, and the Reformation Study Bible (in ESV). I also like the NASB, which is also a recent translation. :)

What I tend to dislike is the paraphrases, and even more so the paraphrases that masquerade as versions!

Anyway, as usual, this was hilarious. I'm going to petition the OPC to switch to the t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee. :) I'll keep you updated on my progress. :-D

Brian Hamrick said...

I really hope they can somehow come up with a MacArthur/Sproul/Ryrie/Scofield/Swindoll/Warren/Spurgeon/Osteen
study edition so we can also get the full orb of notes to go along with this perfect text? Of course, only if it comes in lime green, left-handed bowler, mushroom haters edition. Otherwise, it won't meet my needs.

Sewing said...

Anonymous (#2): That's exactly what I was wondering!

So...if Zondervan sounds like a good ol' Dutch name and its HQ is in Grand Rapids—kind of like Rome for the RCA—why do they churn out so much of the kind of stuff that would inspire a satirist to invent the "T-nair-seckle-KJM-vee"?

Eric said...

This should go over well in all of our Independent Baptist churches in the South.

Timotheus said...

Next thing we know, there will be a TNAIRSECCLKJMV-only movement.

pilgrim said...

"Next thing we know, there will be a TNAIRSECCLKJMV-only movement."

Will be?

I just started one yesterday...

Anonymous said...

you think this is all fun andgames with this stuff but you are dealing with mens souls my friend. there is only one perfect bible out there and that is the King James 1611 which was the seventh english translation refined seven times (Psalms 12:6). we have 'that which is perfect' and all of this else is of the devil. you can laugh now but you wont be laughing one day about these bible translations.

m.p.

Timotheus said...

I...hope...that was a joke...

Chris said...

It made ME laugh.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the one for REAL Men. You can tell it easily since it comes in bonded sweat shirt. And the pages stick together so well you have to pry 'em apart.

lee n. field said...

"Why can't we just let God's Word be God's Word?)"

'Cause too few of us read Hebrew and Greek.

Say, are they planning an interlinear.....?

Kyle Borg said...

Wow! With such people as Tony Campolo encouraging this it should be a GREAT version. After all he *is* one of the leading exegetical scholars in existence today. This whole thing looks bogus.