30 June, 2007

Travelocity Sued for $400 trillion.


Independent missionary Roby Primes is suing Travelocity for $400,000,000,001,828, his latest estimate of eternal pain and suffering for lost souls plus the cost of an airline ticket to Hong Kong, China. “When we go on mission trips, we usually see about 4 souls saved per day,” said Primes referring to himself as “we.” “Since we were delayed 1 day, that’s 4 souls lost for all eternity. What Travelocity has done is nothing less than horrible!”

When the flight was delayed, Primes was distraught. “We kept going to the counter and saying ‘we are on a mission trip’ only to get the same answer: ‘Sir, we’re doing the best we can.’ We would explain that lost souls were at stake.”

Primes believes the world should be warned about Travelocity’s false advertisement. “Travelocity repeated touts ‘The Travelocity Guarantee’ on its website as well as all the television ads with that statuesque roaming gnome. As it turns out, the chilliness of his frozen features is only surpassed by his frigid heart. He seemed so sincere to us when we booked the flight. They have a guarantee! They have a Travelocity Customer Bill of Rights! The public needs to be warned,” wept Primes.

No one seems to understand the pain that Primes has experienced as a result of his ordeal. “It’s right there in black and white. ‘Guarantee.’ A guarantee should be just that… a guarantee!" Primes continued to speak about the gnome, "Although he wasn’t moving his lips to the words ‘guarantee’, that non-symmetrical figurine was obviously the implied source of the words. You could even tell from the accent of the television voiceover that Travelocity had that intention. It’s a shame to use an innocent, though grotesque, three-dimensional likeness of a diminutive being to do your work for you.”

Primes was embarrassed in the Los Angeles airport on numerous occasions during his 24 hour delay. “Many times we received blank looks which turned into light laughter and some pointing when we left the counter.”

TBNN representatives asked Primes how he determined the exact number of $400 trillion. “This is not a pair of replaceable pants we are talking about. I’m not sure how you could even place a value on a soul lost for eternity. But we know the number has to be large,” said Primes. The $400 trillion works out to $100 trillion per soul.

"Gnomes are known for guarding hoards of money. We’re going to see just how much that shriveled little man has accumulated.” Primes hopes to put the funds to good use. He explained to TBNN that he only wants $2 trillion for his pain and anquish. “We plan to use $398 trillion to go on more mission trips and save other souls,” said Primes.

“We don’t really want to sue, but we feel we must make a statement of the importance of our work for the Lord. The Lord needs us, and Travelocity let us down. I lay in bed at night wondering which 4 souls were lost on account of that incongruous dwarf. If you consider the length of eternity, this is really a small number. What price should be placed on eternal separation? We haven’t even considered all the souls that would have been saved if only those 4 could have been saved. If each of those 4 would have been able to go and save at least 2 per month, and those could have then saved 2 per month, and so on… the exponential growth calculates salvation of the entire world in as little as 32 months. It’s disheartening. If only I could have been 'on my way' at the right time.”

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

That one was not so good. Missing the wittiness of your last post about Tourette's.

Brother Slawson said...

Hey... I do really appreciate your honest opinions. No need to remain anonymous. Thanks for reading. Thought a twist on the $54 million pants lawsuit would be timely. Used a lot of the same issues and wording as that lawsuit.

millerpla.net said...

I thought it was good! My favorite part was
"I'll only keep 2 trillion for my pain and anguish."

:)

Timotheus said...

Yeah, perhaps a link to that news story would help people who aren't familiar with it.

Sewing said...

I thought it was brilliant. Very timely and funny.

justone said...

Hey, If nothing else that picture at the top was enough to make my day. Keep up the good work!

GOODNIGHTSAFEHOME said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GOODNIGHTSAFEHOME said...

Wasn't there somebody a few posts ago looking financial help with his mission to the super rich millions i.e. how he had to keep up with the Jone's and every one else who was his neighbours? €398 trillion could at least get him started...

Brother Slawson said...

I guess this Travelocity lawsuit wasn't so "over the top afterall"...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,321246,00.html