23 June, 2007

Quinquarticular Tourette's

Pastor Wilkinstonson has been at the Routesville Methodist Church since August of 2000. In hindsight, the very first sign of the disorder was around the time of the Bush vs. Gore controversy at the end of 2000. No one knew he had any disorder at all, much less that it was related to Calvinism. For about 1 month, when he would say the word “election” it would come in threes. For example, he would say, "During the recent election election election…" and then continue with his sentence as if everything was normal. "We knew it was not a stutter," said longtime member Rosalee Plains. "It was just an odd burst of two extra 'elections', and it only occurred with the word 'election.' It never occured with any other word. The furthest thing from my mind was the connection with those vile Calvinists. He never once mentioned the word 'unconditional.' We just assumed he was stressed about the election."

Many people seem to think of bursts of profanity when they hear “Tourette’s Syndrome” (TSD). Researchers now know that TSD (a.k.a. Tourette’s Disorder, Tourette’s, and Tourette Spectrum Disorder) is a relatively common childhood onset defined by persistent motor and vocal tics and frequently associated with obsessions, compulsions, and attention difficulties. The truth is that the "tics" can be either vocal or motor (muscle), and the vocal tics need not be profanity to be classified as TSD. TSD is apparently much more common in children than originally thought. This however, is the first documented case of Quinquarticular Tourette's, or QT.

Dr. Mathias Cornwell, the J. L. Middleton Distinguished Professor of Neurological Surgery at Syracuse is a well-known and respected researcher with over 25 publications in the Journal of Neurological Disorders. "During a wedding performed by Pastor Wilkinstonson for my niece, Grace, in 2006, I knew immediately that the Pastor had a form of Tourette's. I, however, cannot take credit for discovering the quinquarticular connection. That credit belongs to my research assistant, Phillip Blackstone, who was raised Presbyterian. After our joint discovery of the pastor's unique theme, I decided to name his condition Quinquarticular Tourette's. His case is a remarkable one where the tics are unquestionably confined strictly and solely to the five points of Calvinism. Perhaps not coincidentally, if we observe his particular outbursts in light of strict Arminianism, one may consider it profanity."

The doctor's first known encounter with QT came in the summer of 2006 when Grace Jordan married William Teznel. "The crowd chuckled a few times at first because he kept referring to Grace as 'Irresistible Grace,'" said Dr. Cornwell. "There was an obvious change in tone and inflection with the phrase. 'William, will you take irresistible Grace to be your lawful wedded wife.' She was like a daughter to him, so no one suspected anything other than his complement of her and that he was a little odd." "I thought it was an inside joke or something," said Shelly Jordan, Grace's sister.

After Dr. Cornwell mentioned the possibility of TSD to Grace and her family, he discovered that several other bizarre instances had occured through the years. With the help of Pastor Wiklinstonson, Dr. Cornwell was able to able to make the link to what is now know as QT. Everyone remembered a funeral where the Pastor had repeatedly made a series of hand gestures. Pastor Wilkinstonson allowed them to review a tape of the funeral. "We were fortunate to find video of the funeral. As I stared at the video, I knew right away that it was TSD. After many obeservations, it came to me. 'Try sign language,' I said to Phillip." Phillip was able to decipher "total depravity" and almost immediately made the connection with irresistible grace as a Calvinist term. "Pastor Wilkinstonson was shocked when we gave him the news. He was totally unaware of this persistent theme himself. He wanted help."

In attempted discussions with Pastor Wilkinstonson, Tominthebox was able to determine that he had attempted some self remedies. "One of my bunyan members tried to help by spurgeon ordering for me a bottle of Calvinix hodge. Despite the odd flavor, I mather managed to take the entire bottle mohler. I was sproul able to avoid saying anything zwingli unusual for a while sproul jr. In fact, edwards I avoided saying anything at all for 3 days. Apparently, my brain fell asleep falwell, um piper, without any Calvinistic thoughts in my system."

Millie Riftrigger, representative for the church Ladies Group said, "We have spoken with Pastor Wilkinstonson about his apparent problem with Calvinistic profanity. We feel confident that he does not want to say these things. We have tried to work to help him. We have begun a prayer group that meets every Thursday night to pray for him for two hours. We pray for healing from this affliction. If we are not able to see progress soon, we will have no choice but to ask for a change."

There are many other instances. For example, during one Sunday Evening service, he began yelling Bible verse references. "I don't remember all of them, but two of them were Romans 8:29 and Ephesians 1:5," said Jennifer Martin, 16. "I looked them up and both of them contained that 'P' word. You could tell by the way he just screamed the references that it couldn't be something good."

Although Pastor Wilkinstonson had trouble speaking with Tominthebox, he wanted to make one final point. “I know I can persevere choose. I know I have a choice. I know I persevere have a choice in what I say. But the Calvinism just seems to burst out persevere. I can’t explain it persevere. I’m clueless as to how this stuff even got in my head. Tulip.”


Seth F said...

Very clever. I enjoyed that one arminius a lot. =)


Sewing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sewing said...

"Perhaps not coincidentally, if we observe his particular outbursts in light of strict Arminianism, one may consider it profanity."

Bwahahaha! Those vile Calvinists!

Casey said...

Oh my goodness, I think I nearly died laughing at this one! I find nearly all of your posts funny to hilarious, but I will honestly say, I have never laughed as much as I did when I read this post. I could hardly breathe! If this is what "Tominthebox 2.0" has in store for us readers, then it is going to be very good indeed.

Josh said...

Oh if we could only figure out how to secretly spread QT throughout the evangelical churches in America!

Maybe Rick Warren will come down with it after he joins Together For The Gospel!

Anonymous said...

You think one of his questions at that wedding was:

"Do you choose to love this woman Grace with all your heart, or were you predestined to and have no choice at all about how you feel or who you marry?"


Brother Slawson said...

Good question. As the church is often described as the bride of Christ, it is the husband that is doing the choosing. The bride is the one wooed. Whether she knows it or not, he choose her and called her (or courted her prior to phones).

Anonymous said...

Ah. Nothing like forcing someone to love you against their will, lol.


Brother Slawson said...

It's great! Target, pursue, and woo. With my wife, the key was wooing her in such a way that she could say nothing but "yes!" Of course, by the way she was cornered, there was no other option. At the time, she actually thought it was her decision!!! It worked. 18 years as of today!

Sewing said...

Congratulations, Brother Slawson.

When I was reborn in Christ (all of five months ago, but it seems like an eternity), I thought I chose him...but then the Holy Spirit helped me to discern the pattern of God's hand at work in my life for decades before he saved me, and the combination of crises he used to break me down to the point that yes, technically, I chose to surrender to him, but I had absolutely no logical choice but to surrender! ;)

Soli deo gloria.

Joseph said...

Another pertinent question to the husband: "William, before you receive your bride, I must ask you... did you do anything in order to deserve Grace?"

Of course, the Arminian will frequently deny that they have done anything to merit grace, but when you get down to the nitty gritty, and the Arminian system is one based on Christ making salvation possible and us making it actual, one has to admit that our response somehow is both not a work and yet essential to allowing God to save us (according to the system).

millerpla.net said...

I think God predestined me to be Arminian.

Tominthebox News Network said...


You're actually saying the right thing and you don't even know it! Your being an Arminian is under God's sovereign control and will. The only way you or I can ever come to a correct understanding of anything is if God enlightens our understanding.

So in a very real sense, God did predestine you to be an Arminian, though I do hope and pray you don't remain one.


millerpla.net said...

Thanks! I definitely believe God controls everything in the universe. So I'm sorta’ Calvinistic... But I also think it’s our own faults when we sin, which sounds kinda’ Arminian to me. I think I’m somewhere in the middle.

I know God knew all history when he made the universe. Obviously, he knew who would end up in heaven and who wouldn't...

And my train of thought always seems to derail somewhere around here… Since God’s power is irresistible, why isn’t everyone saved? Etc…

So, I’m in a sort of limbo. I know Christ’s blood is powerful enough to take away everyone’s sin, yet I know some are lost, and all the while God is in total control.

Do the lost reject God or, or did God reject the lost before time began? I’d like to pick the first one, but I really don’t know... God does know, however, so I’ll be satisfied with that.

P.S. I have a feeling that if I asked Jesus this when he was here, I’d get some sort of response like, ‘sell your possessions and give the money to the poor’. :)

P.P.S. I think your website is the best kind of funny. Keep it up!