22 May, 2007

Unitarians Discover "Real" Reason for Misery in the World

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI

The question as to how there can be an all-powerful creator of all things and how there can still be suffering in the world has baffled countless people throughout the centuries. Some say that the cause of death, destruction and misery on the planet earth is caused by "sin." Others argue that man is inherently good, and that "sin" is really simply a lack of enlightenment in the human mind. But recently representatives of the Unitarian Church came up with their own explanation - trans-fats, greenhouse gases and the lack of homosexual relationships.

"As we examined history we came to some surprising conclusions" said Rev. Meredeth Causey-Hicks, of The First South Harbor Unitarian Church in St. Louis. "Throughout the centuries there were these common threads that revealed the causes of human misery and suffering. Humans have always been essentially good, but things have crept in that have caused them to do bad things to others."

According to Causey-Hicks the first cause of human misery has been trans-fats.

"The twentieth century was the deadliest century in history," said Causey-Hicks. "And it was also the century that we saw the advent of trans-fats in foods. The connections are indisputable."

The second cause that was discovered was greenhouse gases.

"Recent history has proven that emissions of greenhouse gases have caused more and more human misery over time. Before we started burning fossil fuels to run our machinery the world was a much happier place."

Causey-Hicks explained the final cause of world suffering, and it is probably the most controversial of all; the repression of homosexual relationships.

"The Roman Empire was one of the greatest empires in history," she said. "But it was also an empire that embraced the love between the sexes. When this kind of love is repressed misery and strife invade and intolerance reigns."

As a result of the "research" done by the church, the Unitarian Church now plans to start a campaign to spread the "good news" of ultimate happiness to the world.

"We're so excited now," said Causey-Hicks. "We now know the source of evil in the world, and if we can simply put an end to these three things then we can finally bring lasting peace to this world."


9 comments:

Malachi_Abaddon said...

And what exactly happened to the Gospel?

Oh, I forgot, these are liberals.

Reformed Pastor said...

Oh, come on! I knew that World War II was caused by trans-fat long before they "came up with their own explanation." I guess I should have documented my findings earlier. Oh, well:(

Religion Roundtable said...

Maybe Al Gore is the real Messiah after all.

Wait. If people are basically good, then there is really no need for a Messiah.

Sewing said...
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Sewing said...
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Sewing said...

Did not the Lord say to Adam that he may eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil he should not eat, for its fruit is laced with trans fats, and in the day he eats of it he would surely die?

Jeff said...

sick... but funny!

Robin Edgar said...

"Throughout the centuries there were these common threads that revealed the causes of human misery and suffering. Humans have always been essentially good, but things have crept in that have caused them to do bad things to others."

Robin Edgar said...

"We're so excited now," said Causey-Hicks. "We now know the source of evil in the world, and if we can simply put an end to these three things then we can finally bring lasting peace to this world."