25 May, 2007

From the Editor

Dear Mr. A________

Thank you for your recent email expressing interest in our product "Net Finney." I found your personal testimony regarding how Calvinism and Reformed theology has negatively affected your family to be strangely touching. I am sorry to hear that it has brought a division between you and your wife, and I do sincerely hope that she will be free from the "spell of that cursed Frenchman" soon. Perhaps in time she will come to her senses.

I am thankful, though, that you have decided to stick by her side even though she has slid off into "rank heresy." I would suggest that you do all you can to understand what she's going through. You should definitely read whatever books she reads (so that you can gather polemical information against her position of course). I would also suggest listening to the very preachers she is listening to so that you also can understand what they are saying. Only with careful examination and study of her position will you be able to show the obvious unbiblicalness of the insane notion that God is sovereign in salvation.

Your enthusiasm over our product, though, only makes what I have to say all the more difficult. Unfortunately "Net Finney" is not real. The article which you read on our website is also merely a spoof or satire to show the great need out there for such a product to exist. Perhaps, one day soon, someone with some computer programming skills will pick up on this tremendous idea and finally develop it. Until such time it must merely remain a dream that perhaps one day might come true.

I am returning your check in the amount of $59.99. But with that money might I suggest several authors that will definitely help your wife understand things more clearly. Anything by Charles H. Spurgeon would be helpful, or John Murray. Others might include John Owen, Abraham Kuiper or Matthew Henry. I can promise you that writings by any of these men would certainly help to further put your wife on the "right path of thinking."

So please accept my apologies if our article raised your hopes. I will most certainly contact you if there are ever any further developments regarding "Net Finney."

Sincerely,
Tom Slawson
http://tominthebox.blogspot.com

P.S.

"Calvinix" is also not real, though many of our readers have found that two Tylenol PM
taken right before a Calvinistic sermon greatly decreases one's ability to absorb logical exposition.

14 comments:

Stephen Newell said...

If this is the real deal, you have forever lost the ability to top it. Excuse me while I pop my ribs back into place, wipe up the tea off of my computer screen, dab my eyes generously, and tuck the neighbors back in bed.

Pastor Bob said...

The only intelligent thing I can think to say is: "No Way!!!" LOL

Rev. said...

Ummmm.... so.... was this parody or real life?!?

Joshua A. Hitchcock said...

yeah....now even I am confused...did someone actually think Net Finney was real? If so...the church is in serious trouble

caleb said...

i would like to note that the first time i saw your website, it was the one about a youth pastor adopting all the kids in his youth group. i am part of an online community of youth pastors, and someone on the list had seen the post and thought that it was a real news story. needless to say, there was much discussion about how ridiculous that youth pastor was. it was well into the double digits of posts before someone actually read that your site was satire. it was great times.

ajlin said...

Wait a minute... Does this mean no Armini-ohs?!

Sewing said...

In case this is a reply to real letter, I want to be respectful to the person who wrote you.

But did someone really describe "Calvin" as "that cursed Frenchman"!? I'm suspecting that this just might not be a real letter on the basis of that.

Sewing said...

"Whose fault is it then? That
cursed Frenchman's; he taught three fine things, that miserable dog--that pagan...." (Alexander Pushkin: Marie)

"'It's that cursed Frenchman,' he went on, in a voice that sounded like the groan of one in pain. 'He's a villain. I know he's a villain; and I've had a warning against him ever since the first moment he came among us. He'll make her miserable, and break her heart some day....'" (Amelia B. Edwards: "How the Third Floor Knew the Potteries," from All the Year Round)

Jeff said...

(Laughter overpowers any typing ability)

Religion Roundtable said...

Is this for real?

Sewing said...

Tom is mysteriously silent on this....

Tominthebox News Network said...

The question as to whether this letter is real or whether it is true is subjective. It's real to me. It's true for me and that's all that matters. If it's not true for you then you must find your own relevant letter.

Emerging Tom,

=)

Steven, said...

Ok. Of all the fun in all the world, you did it.

If this post wasn't the "funny" straw on the "Funny" camel's back, ya had to write the comment.

The comment did it. It brought me to the floor. The comment was the crescendo of crescendos...

thanks. It made me laugh..

Sewing said...

Should "Dear Mr. A___" be understood to mean "Dear Mr. Arminius"? Well, that's my interpretation, man.