Dear Mr. A________
Thank you for your recent email expressing interest in our product "Net Finney." I found your personal testimony regarding how Calvinism and Reformed theology has negatively affected your family to be strangely touching. I am sorry to hear that it has brought a division between you and your wife, and I do sincerely hope that she will be free from the "spell of that cursed Frenchman" soon. Perhaps in time she will come to her senses.
I am thankful, though, that you have decided to stick by her side even though she has slid off into "rank heresy." I would suggest that you do all you can to understand what she's going through. You should definitely read whatever books she reads (so that you can gather polemical information against her position of course). I would also suggest listening to the very preachers she is listening to so that you also can understand what they are saying. Only with careful examination and study of her position will you be able to show the obvious unbiblicalness of the insane notion that God is sovereign in salvation.
Your enthusiasm over our product, though, only makes what I have to say all the more difficult. Unfortunately "Net Finney" is not real. The article which you read on our website is also merely a spoof or satire to show the great need out there for such a product to exist. Perhaps, one day soon, someone with some computer programming skills will pick up on this tremendous idea and finally develop it. Until such time it must merely remain a dream that perhaps one day might come true.
I am returning your check in the amount of $59.99. But with that money might I suggest several authors that will definitely help your wife understand things more clearly. Anything by Charles H. Spurgeon would be helpful, or John Murray. Others might include John Owen, Abraham Kuiper or Matthew Henry. I can promise you that writings by any of these men would certainly help to further put your wife on the "right path of thinking."
So please accept my apologies if our article raised your hopes. I will most certainly contact you if there are ever any further developments regarding "Net Finney."
"Calvinix" is also not real, though many of our readers have found that two Tylenol PM™ taken right before a Calvinistic sermon greatly decreases one's ability to absorb logical exposition.