18 April, 2007

Get Your Doctorate at The Ruckman University of Street Preachers

Are you tired of liberal, so-called "Bible colleges" that do nothing but put out your gospel fire? Are you sick of know-it-all professors who use Satan's translations of the Bible? Does Calvinism just plain make your stomach churn? Now there's an alternative to those bunch of ejukated smarty-pantses who think they know so much.

The Ruckman University of Street Preachers, founded by Dr. Peter S. Ruckman, is now accepting applications for the degree of Doctor of Street Preachin' with classes beginning this fall.

Dr. Ruckman will personally teach you all of the tricks of his trade as you study under his wisdom in classes like...
  • Basics of Yelling
  • Sign Making 101
  • Cuss Words That Are Okay for Preachers to Say 101 & 201
  • The King James Bible Basics
  • Advanced King James Bible Stuff
  • How to Make Fun of James White 101 & 201
  • Why Calvinism is Evil
  • Why Calvinism is a Lie Out of Hell
  • How to Yell at a Calvinist
  • Lies That Are Okay to Tell in Order to Accomplish Your Goal
  • How to Make People Hate You So That They Persecute You So That You Feel Good About Yourself
At the Ruckman University of Street Preaching you can study just one short semester and receive your official and authentic Doctor of Street Preachin' degree that you can proudly display.


"I got my Doctorate from the Ruckman University of Street Preaching in just five weeks. Thanks brother Ruckman!" - Lonnie Pursifull, Street Preacher

Space is limited, so fill out your application today!

20 comments:

Jeff Voegtlin said...

Are there really 201 cuss words that are okay for a preacher to say in the pulpit?

I can't believe it.

Tominthebox News Network said...

For Ruckmanites there probably are.

Lawrence said...

Do they only offer "Street Prechin'" or can i get a Doctorate in "Bible Thumpin'" as well??

Tominthebox News Network said...

Lawrence,

"Bible Thumpin'" is a totally different degree track which is made up two extra courses;

-Fried Chicken 101
-Flying Spit

Lawrence said...

I heard they may be adding a new class this year...

- How to pick the right Bible for thumpin'

Lectures include:
How do i know my Bible is heavy enough for thumpin'? (it's heavy enough to knock someone down, but not heavy enough to knock someone out)

How to pick the right color. (Red because if you accidentally shed blood with your thumpin' it won't show up as easily)

Bible thumpin in the 21st century. (How to use Bible audio cd's as throwing stars)

Richard Boyce said...

Hahahahahaha.

This one left me laughing while shaking my head. What else can I do, ya know?


Sad part is, many of the preachers I enjoy listening to would call this website nothing but damnable heresy right out the fires of hell itself.


Tom, are you saved? Would you like to repeat this little prayer after me?

Lol.


And Ruckman? Come on, man. Way to ruin it for KJV users like me.

Jeff said...

Do they offer transfers of credit from Rev Phelps' How to picket Military Funerals course-work?

Jacob Douvier said...

I wonder if they will add "How to Sue Intimidating Wheel-chair bound Mormon Grannies?"

pilgrim said...

Wow--that's good stuff--especially the courses about James White--I'd like to sign up just so I could get kicked out.

Sewing said...

Tom, I laughed before I even starting reading the article! This one needs no explanation—so brilliant because it's so simple!

Thank you for this bit of sunshine on such a dark, sad week. It brought a tear of laughter to my eye.

Fred Butler said...

I am curious of Dr. Ruckman's long list of "preacher" apostates who are yellow cowards with brains less than a brass monkey. Usually, all his material lists the sort of guys I should avoid who fall into that yellow coward, brass monkey brained category.

Fred

Jessica said...

Is there a class in bumper-sticker-makin'? Or at least the art of covering your entire bumper in ruckmanite stickers?

You've missed a class in the Street Preachin' degree: How to use your 15 children in street preachin'

I love this site... I'm so glad I found it. My parents are a part of this crazy man's cult. When I was a teenager they used to make me go to the church. The "N" word is used OFTEN there. Sad, sad, sad.

The Girl in Grey said...

Sounds a fun course! Guess I wouldn't be allowed in, though.

B Nettles said...

Wow! I didn't realize this was a real guy. I wondered where you got the picture. Better watch out that you don't get sued for false advertising or something. Those Alabama guys can be mean.

Anonymous said...

My parents just got me a megaphone for high school graduation. If they offer this course during the summer I will really be ready to sock it to 'em on campus in the fall.

Anonymous said...

Wow what a bunch of conceited "jack asses"
did you not know every man of God in the Bible was a street preacher or are too stupid to read it?

Bro Ken said...

Someone must got their sissy little feelings hurt...so sorry.

Adrian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adrian said...

Wonder if the Ruckmanite University offers classes in

-"Dressing up in a devil costume and yelling at bar patrons 101." <-- (It's a link!!)

and

-"How to spraypaint your vehicle with King-James-Only statements and pronunciations against various 'heretics' such as James White and John Piper."

fred said...

Just for the record:

1)Lonnie Pursiful did not attend school nor received any instruction from Peter Ruckman

2) Every Bible preacher preached in the open air

3) I know of no Christian that has 'spraypainted their vehicle', but I know many who have magnetic scripture signs or bumper stickers on their vehicles

4)It probably is not wise to castigate many people by the actions of a few. While many streetpreachers do not show a great deal of wisdom, is it fair to cast all in the same light? For example, Fred Phelps (rightfully derided by a commenter here) is a Calvinist. Does that make Calvinism false? Of course not.

To make silly statements at those we consider silly may make you and your friends laugh, but really doesn't show a lot of intelligence.