12 March, 2007

Church Tries out "Pastor Blaster" for Long-Winded Preacher

PORTSMOUTH, VIRGINIA

The members of Lake Vista Baptist Church like punctuality. But recently the church has gone through some tensions with their new pastor. Rev. Charles "Chuck" Waggoner joined the congregation 6 months ago and the people immediately took to him.

"He was great when he first came." Said Maggie Crimm, the church's pianist. "He visited people, and his sermons were great. But around Christmas time things just started getting out of hand."

The trouble began when Waggoner's sermons began getting longer and longer, often going past noon.

"We were getting out at 12:10 and sometimes 12:15!" Said Crimm. "We'd all go down to Alice's Cafe to eat lunch and there were no tables available because all the Methodists and Lutherans were already there! By the time we got a table, ate and got home we'd already mis
sed some of the football game!"

"The service begins at 11:00 and ends at at 12:00!" Said Bill Horton, the church's head deacon. "We give the preacher 25 minutes to preach, and if he can't say everything he needs to say in that amount of time then he don't need to say nothing at all!"

"I just get going sometimes and lose track of time." Said Waggoner. "I suppose I'm just engrossed in what I'm preaching about. I get passionate sometimes."

In an attempt to rectify the situation people began "dropping hints" when Waggoner would go too long.

"Several of us would set our watch alarms for noon so that they'd all go off at the same time." Said Crimm. "But that didn't seem to work. Then several people started pretending to have coughing fits hoping to distract him, but it was no use."

To hopefully solve the situation the church has invested in a new product that is taking the evangelical world by storm.

Pastor Blaster attaches discretely to a pastors leg. The remote control is then given to a member of the congregation who monitors the length of the sermon. The monitor is then able to deliver a light electrical shock if the preacher begins to go over time.

"I've agreed to do this, but it bothers me." Said Waggoner. "I don't like the idea of someone out there having the ability to shock me."

In addition to being able to shock a pastor who goes overtime, the Pastor Blaster can also be used on pastors who have a tendency to "meddle."

"We don't need no meddling, long-winded preachers." Said Horton. "We're excited about putting this thing to work next Sunday."

9 comments:

pilgrim said...

I'm not a preacher but I have filled in a handful of time--once going for about 45 minutes, but then another was only about 20, so it evens out...

tuxini said...

I'm so glad that my church folks do not know of this website. I know they would love to have one of these for me.

Fred said...

Make sure you're not wearing it when in the baptismal pool!

Pastor Bob said...

My church will be very interested in this new product. I do have one question: Will this product, when activated, automatically make the preacher seem charismatic?

I am concerned about first time guests seeing me start twitching and flopping around in the middle of my sermons. What if it shocks me and I mutter something out of pain, and my baptist congregation assumes I am speaking in tongues? What if I fall in pain, and they assume I am "slain in the Spirit"? Is there any instructions included to prevent this?

Jeff said...

Pastor bob...
IN combination with teh bottle of CALVINIX, those symptoms should be easily relieved...

Anonymous said...

I just can't believe that this congregation is so worried about what time they want to get to lunch, and not going over noon, that they would resort to a shocking device to get the attention of their Pastor. This is the man that the Congregation has elected to fill this position and the man that they feel the Lord has put in this position. There is probably nothing written in their by-laws as to how long the sermon may go. Why interrupt the Pastor when delivering his sermon, you may miss the part of the sermon that will change your life. Just typical want to be in the world and not in the presence of the Lord kinda church that I am proud not to be part of. You people need to be more worried about what the Lord is giving you than that noon lunch appointment that is probably with other members of your congregation, it's not like they are going to start without you, since you'll all get out at the same time.

David Copeland said...

this is perfect gift for a congregation of dead religious folks who have a "hireling" mentality

Anonymous said...

Anonymous: are you familiar with the general concept of "satire"?

Just curious.

Other Anonymous Guy.

Anonymous said...

I think all of these people that think ministers and god should be on a time line of sorts for them them to able to get to the local lunch bar is disgraceful.If you look at times jesus preached and the the apostal paul preached many times it was late into the day and night.may some of you, no maybe all of you who feel this product would be good for a minister of the gospel of jesus christ need to make sure that youre really saved by the grace of God,or just playing church.check yourself before its to late.why if you put your pastor on a time frame why bother going at all,just go to many different web sites of churchs and set there in the comfort of your on homes,what a shame the american church has become,no wonder the lost dont want anything to do with God or the church,may God have mercy on all of you.the church is not the building it is the people inside that make it up,you are going to church to worship God and learn more from his word,it is not a social club where you go and meet your friends and do what ever makes you feel good about yourselves. i am glad God didnt give all of us 25 minutes to get born again or spend eternity in hell.think about it.steven sinclair